As I sit here on my couch debating whether or not I want to
begin reading a new book, I have all these thoughts racing in my head. I am the
product of years and years of issues, challenges, and the like. It shocks me
that at 46 years old, I finally found my way back to me. Incredible. Granted, I
still struggle – mostly with conflict and voicing my own opinion, but I get out
there. I do things. I go places. I have friends. If I feel like being a silly
ass, I will be a silly ass. If I want to sing in public, I will sing in public.
If I get up on the bar and start dancing…well, by god, one of you better drag
my drunk butt off the counter before I fall on my face!
Sometimes I feel like Sandy from Grease. All goody-two
shoes, but then out comes the wild child. I have done a fantastic job of hiding her
all of these years. She has always been there, right under the surface,
screaming and clawing her way to the top. Which leads me to the person I am today. I am in control of my
life. I have a few things that make me very happy, but I am not defined by
those pieces. I am smart, I enjoy learning, making friends, taking chances, and
have become well rounded. Take me or leave me.
I once had a dream that I was going to lose someone very
precious to me, and I curled up – very small in a ball on the floor in that dream and I cried
as if my heart were shattered. When I woke, I had tears streaming down my face
and I was curled up tight in a ball on my bed. I feel strong emotions even as I sleep. Does
that make me weak? No. I am emotional, I am passionate, and I don’t regret
those feelings. I cry at sad movies, stories, and have even welled up over a
few commercials. The positive, secure girl I can be would push away her doubts
– but will the slightly insecure person ever truly leave me forever? And if
that insecure girl ceases to exist, will I no longer feel emotions as strongly
as I do?
I am going through a period of introspection. Nothing to be
alarmed about, folks. I just want to be the best me that I can be. I accept
(begrudgingly) that I can’t turn off emotions at times, and that my brain has its
flights of fancy like anyone else. Yet, I trust. I love. I believe. I can’t
sprint to the finish line. I need to ride the wave, reveling in the ebb and
flow of it all. That’s my biggest problem. I tend to want everything right now.
However, that being said, I know that I need to be persistent, as some things are truly worth the wait. So, stuck in the middle – between right now and someday. Isn't
that a good place to be though?
Torn by who I am now, and who I want to be. Both one and the
same person, but the person I want to be has ideas. Notions. Schemes even. She
wants to write for a living, or teach, or the like. That girl wants to
incorporate all of the best qualities she has into something great. The today
Angie wants to meet future Angie right away. I know that I need to wait it out. It gives the current me a chance to develop
the skills I am best at – to learn, to grow, to let my confidence soar to new
heights. I am going to reach that brass ring. Whatever I choose to become or
explore or develop – it’s my choice. Those that support my decisions or
encourage me to become better, more confident, more intelligent – those are the
people I want to share my passions with.
Probably more of Angie’s brain than you really wanted to
know about. Thank you all for listening to my rambles.
Until we meet again,
Angie