The Yin Yang principle

Good evening,

This will be my last post of 2015. It's been a year of ups and downs, mostly good. So many wonderful adventures that I have shared with all of you, my opinions, my hopes and dreams - honestly, I am surprised that you still read my posts.

I am still trying to figure out my place. I have things I want to believe, dreams that I hope will come true. I am seeking enlightenment. Everything good or bad that has happened in my life has done just that - happened. It is great to have wonderful memories and experiences. I also realize that life is going to happen. You can dwell on the negative, rejoice in the positive, but all in all, it goes on. You can't apologize your life away, nor can you cry it away. Yes, some things hurt. Nothing is perfect. Just hope that the positive moments outweigh the negative. I am toying with new philosophies in life,

On that note, I am sharing poetry as my last post. I hope you like it. Here's to 2016.

Up in her ivory tower she sat,

Surveying the world.

Melancholy had become commonplace,

She longed for peace.

Her mind whirled a mile a minute,

She wanted to silence the hurt.

Wishing for it to go away,

To feel nothing.

In the calm of a moment,

Her thoughts washed clean.

She relied too much on the beliefs of others,

Her timetable was her own.

Shedding the expectations,

Releasing the anxiety,

Her heart suffered less.

She still wants,

But doesn’t make herself crazy anymore.

She deserves more,

Earns respect.

She is beautiful,

Even if no one tells her so.

She is compassionate,

And helps others first.

She is adventurous,

Always seeking something new.

She is intelligent,

Her wit a challenge.

Her mind is full,

Fighting to survive.

Above all,

She is determined.

She does not give up.

Life doesn’t come easily,

But she is resolute.

Her desires will happen,

She just has to stand tough.

Until we meet again, my friends.

Angie

Santa's Coming! I know him!

Good afternoon on Christmas to one and all.

It's a difficult thing to feel like Christmas with no snow and having it be warm outside. Quite the struggle. Little pieces of Christmas are coming to me today.

I am watching"While You Were Sleeping." There is a scene at the beginning of the movie where Lucy (Sandra Bullock) is mistaken for the fiancee of the man she saves. Peter (Peter Gallagher) is in a coma, so he can't confirm or deny this, and Peter's family insists she celebrate Christmas with them.
She is sitting there, holding a gift, looking at this family activity going on at this Christmas gathering with a rapt look of joy on her face. Lucy has no family. The look on her face and the feeling it gave me reminded me of spending Christmas with the Thomas family last year. If it could have been captured, I think that may have been a look on my face at one point of the day. Special.

Last night, I had Christmas Eve with my dad and my step mom. We aren't big on Christmas, we don't do the whole fancy Christmas dinner (we had tacos), but it felt good. I posted pictures on Facebook of me with each of them. It felt like something I needed to do. I love them very much.

I got a lovely Christmas greeting via Messenger from my friend Melissa. At that moment, I think someone sensed I needed it. Melissa, your timing was better than you know. Thank you.

Many greetings from friends and family, loved ones near and far. You all give me a piece of Christmas cheer. Reminded of my favorite line in "It's A Wonderful Life" - No man is a failure who has friends. I like to think that, like George Bailey, I have touched all of your lives in a good way.

Little things make me cry. The scene where everyone sings in "Elf", the moment that Sheldon hugs Penny in "Big Bang", listening to Faith Hill sing "Where are you,Christmas?" the moment that the Grinch's heart grew 3 sizes that day, the cane in the corner in "Miracle on 34th Street" - all teary eyed moments for me. I am richer for my emotions, even though at times it feels like my emotions get the best of me.

Getting through Christmas the best I can. I have one more holiday to get through, then on to 2016. I hope 2016 is the year that enhances my life. I want a few things to happen, and I am going to do everything in my power to make it so. Just let me be tough enough to make it there.

Until we meet again,
Angie

The Snow Doesn't Give a Soft White Damn Whom It Touches

I felt a lot like Lorelei Gilmore this morning. As I took my walk at RVC, I could smell snow in the air. Silly concept, but dead on today.

We are experiencing the first snowfall of the year. People are being overly dramatic as to the amounts, which is said to be 6-10 inches by the time it is all said and done. So what? We live in the Midwest, kids. Snow is a given. Please learn how to drive in this. Don’t be a fool.

I have this giddy feeling inside with the snow. Driving home from the store was the best kind of beautiful. I think when you drive and the snow is coming at you, creating kind of a magical vision, it is an amazing thing. I also stood outside, watching the flakes fall around me, smiling at the whiteness enveloping my hair. Snow is something magnificent. I hope it covers every piece of ugliness out there, coating the ground with something pure. A clean slate, if you will.

I am snuggled up in my apartment, watching the snow fall out the patio door. The trees are already beginning to coat with their first fleece blanket of the year. I am looking forward to going out tomorrow and taking the first snowy pictures of the season. Last year, I went to Rock Cut, and the pictures I took made me smile.

Some facts I know about snow? How about this one: Snow is actually not white. The complex structure of snow crystals results in tiny surfaces from which light is reflected. What little sunlight is absorbed by snow is absorbed uniformly over the wavelengths of visible light, which gives snow its white appearance. Incredible, isn’t it? How about all snowflakes have 6 sides?

We can ski, sled, walk on snowshoes, ice skate, make snow angels, snowball fights….

We can be indoors with hot chocolate, hot toddies, hot apple cider, bake cookies, sit by the fireplace…

We can wear those warm snuggly sweaters, curl up with a blankie and a good book…

Hoodies, gloves, hats, winter coats with the Eskimo fur hoods…

If we are lucky, there might be someone to snuggle with.

Nothing, NOTHING is more magical that Christmas snow.

So, embrace it. Don’t hate it. Part of the four seasons. We must have snow for the rebirth of everything else. If you hate it, move. I choose to give snow a chance. I want to let out the little kid with the goofy grin and let her run free in it, coming in with wet mittens, and rosy cheeks.

 Until we meet again,

 Angie 

Watching the Leaves of Life Fall

Good evening all.

A little visit back to my roots - poetry. I hope you enjoy.

Colors engage my eyes,

Crisp air tickles my nose.

The aroma of apples tempts,

Pumpkin envelops all.

The cycle of life continues.

Beauty in change,                  

Holding the promise of rebirth.

Embracing the future,

Growing from the past.

Curling up

Knees to chest

Eyes closed.

Envisioning potential,

Bursting forth from neglect.

The little girl hides.

The grown up woman shows.

Little girl keeps the fears,

Knees to chest.

The woman shines.

She believes.

She dreams.

She loves.

Head up,little girl -

Hurt goes nowhere.

Fill the void.

There are words,

Thoughts,

Dreams.

Life is miraculous.

Come on, little girl-

Take my hand

I want to show you the world.

Shall we explore?

Little girl-

The grown woman wants to hug you,

To dry your tears.

The little girl keeps the questions

The grown woman is afraid to ask.

How will it end?

Only time will tell.

Until we meet again,

Angie

Peter Pan Syndrome

It’s been a while. I think it’s like riding a bike – I’ll just climb back on and go like hell.

My last post came from a difficult time. I lost a dear friend, and it shook me to my core. I wanted to shut off so I didn’t hurt. Actually, I had done that one other time in my life. At least with Robin, I knew it was coming. With Debbie, she just had a heart attack, and died. I turned off emotionally for a long time. I just didn’t care. It was way easier just not to deal, not to feel, not to care. I was completely numb. I didn’t realize it for a while. Finally, I broke through that shell – just in time to experience all the pain of my first marriage ending. Swell.

Fortunately, I recognize those parts now. Instead of shutting down, I pushed through. Now my mind is focused elsewhere. The title? I think maybe it’s time to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I don’t know that the “growing up” part is going to happen, but wanting to know what I can see myself doing with my life – that’s a big one. The desire to learn and grow has always been there for me. I am not one to sit still and just do a mind-numbing job for eternity.

 I have a good job. This is not said as a slam on my current employer, or my current position. It’s an extension of the explorer within me. Where can I go? What can I do? What limitations do I possess? I’m not sick, I have a great attitude, and learn easily. There are a thousand things rolling around in my head that I could do. What am I not going to do? I refuse to live with regret.

So, what does that mean? Honestly, it means a lot more thinking. Planning. I am at this crossroads for a reason. Where will it take me? I don’t know yet. I am looking to others for inspiration, and maybe watching their success will push me even further than I have ever dared possible. There’s a great big world out there. Waiting. Watching.

Pretty soon, I will spread my wings and soar with the eagles.

Until we meet again,

Angie

Ode To A Friend

It has been a very, very long couple of weeks. One of the people who I admired greatly and who was an incredible supporter for me passed away. I have only known Robin well for a few years, but she was one of those people that you never forget. I have known her since working at Blue Cross and we became better friends in the past 2 years.

Robin and I began the Customer Advocate Specialist position at the same time. We went through training together, and leaned on each other through the struggles of a new position. The days were long, the concepts sometimes difficult, but at the end of the day – I could count on her to have my back, as she did with me. I learned about her love for her family. It was a beautiful thing. I also knew that she was a no nonsense kind of gal. If she had a problem with you, you knew it. Straight shooter.

When I was going through some of the toughest times of my life,  Robin was my cheerleader. She was one of the people that made me realize that life is short. She gave me courage, and made me see that I am not a doormat. I needed to be appreciated and loved – and I needed to be with someone who knows that this is not something to take for granted. My ex-husband took me for granted, and made me feel like I was not worth the effort. I spent many nights at Blue Cross, talking through this with Robin because I didn’t want to go home. I was less than nothing in my mind then. Robin made me realize that to be cared about means that you know you are cared for. You show the other person you care.

Robin left Blue Cross right before my personal D day. I still called her the day I left him, and told her I was ok, and that I had finally done it. It was an incredible rush. There are still not enough words to thank any of the people who led me to where I am now.

I had been to Robin’s home to see her after she left Blue Cross, and she got progressively worse. I was angry with myself for not going to see her when I wanted to after I got back from my trip to Hawaii. Unfortunately, life gets in the way. When I was told that Robin was very bad, and it would not be long, it was one of the hardest things for me to cope with. It hit me that this wonderful person would no longer be the rock for others to lean on. I was able to go see her the Wednesday before she passed away. It was difficult, but I am glad I was able to see Robin one last time.

Talking with her is something I will miss. She gave me advice, shared wonderful stories of her family, told me about some of the trips they took, and let me know that I had a gift. Robin told me that I could make the ordinary beautiful. One of the things she liked most was the photos of my Sunday adventures. She let me know that I could truly help others see the beauty in what we look at every day.

My love and support to the members of her family.

To Robin herself: I miss you a lot, my friend. I will remember the lessons you taught me. I am grateful that I got to know you. When good things happen, I will think of you and smile. I know I have one incredible lady up there, looking down and cheering on my successes. Be at peace. No more pain.

Have a great 4th, my friends.

Angie

Saturday Walks and Music lead to Reminiscing

I think listening to music is putting me in touch with the inner demons. It’s crazy. It’s powerful.

I woke up on a rainy Saturday morning, and went for a walk. This is not unusual, other than I was forced to carry an umbrella. I’ve discovered in the course of many early morning neighborhood strolls that I need music. If I walk with another person, I’m fine. If I walk by myself, music is a requirement. I lose myself in the music, and that’s a good thing.

I’ll even age myself a bit – “We’ll go dancing in the dark, walking through the park and reminiscing.” Reminiscing can happen. It often depends on the song, the lyrics, and my mood. The combo of the three can make me remember good times or bad times. I can be emotional, and from time to time, music has moved me to tears. Again, not unusual. Heck, I can watch a commercial on television and be moved to tears. Even animated films that I know are not real have made me cry. Tears are good. We should never be ashamed to cry.

This morning’s memory was a moment I will always remember. I listened to the song “Just the Way You Are” by Bruno Mars. I was taken back to the performance on television in December of 2010, where he performed the song acoustically on the Grammy Nominations show. If you have never listened to it performed this way, I recommend it highly. I got the chills the first time, and I still do. Here's the link: Bruno Mars "Just The Way You Are"

You might think – It’s only a song. It is and it’s not. The lyrics are important.

Oh, her eyes, her eyes
Make the stars look like they're not shinin'
Her hair, her hair
Falls perfectly without her trying
She's so beautiful
And I tell her everyday
Yeah

I know, I know
When I compliment her she won't believe me
And it's so, it's so
Sad to think that she don't see what I see
But every time she asks me, "Do I look okay?"
I say,


When I see your face (face, face...)
There's not a thing that I would change
'Cause you're amazing (amazing)
Just the way you are (are)
And when you smile (smile, smile...)
The whole world stops and stares for a while
'Cause, girl, you're amazing (amazing)
Just the way you are (are).
Yeah

Her lips, her lips
I could kiss them all day if she'd let me
Her laugh, her laugh
She hates but I think it's so sexy
She's so beautiful
And I tell her everyday,

Oh you know, you know, you know
I'd never ask you to change
If perfect's what you're searching for
Then just stay the same
So don't even bother asking if you look okay
You know I'll say,


When I see your face (face, face...)
There's not a thing that I would change
'Cause you're amazing (amazing)
Just the way you are (are)
And when you smile (smile, smile...)
The whole world stops and stares for a while
'Cause, girl, you're amazing (amazing)
Just the way you are (are)

The way you are
The way you are
Girl, you're amazing (amazing)
Just the way you are (are)


When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
'Cause you're amazing (amazing)
Just the way you are (are)
And when you smile
The whole world stops and stares for a while
'Cause, girl, you're amazing
Just the way you are

Yeah

When I listened – really listened – I knew that my life would never be the same again. I have spent most of my adult life in the shadows of other people. I was just there. But to be amazing – was I? Was I more than just a mom, a wife (at the time), a daughter and so on? Accepting compliments was something I could never do. Now I blindly grasped the fact that I might be amazing. I might also be beautiful. There might actually be someone out there that thinks that about me, or could someday. Wow!

This was another turning point in becoming who I am today. I thought, I can really ask a guy if I look ok, and he could tell me I’m  amazing and he wouldn’t change a thing?  Guys can love the things you think are wrong with you? Am I awake, or is this Bizarro Rockford? I’d become accustomed to having flaws, or told I needed to lose weight, or I couldn’t possibly be right. I looked at myself in the mirror. I was able to see beyond the shell that I put there. You know what? I was amazing.

From that point, I moved forward. Now I am unstoppable. The best gift this year for my birthday (and a lot of stiff competition there) came in the form of words. I was told that I am beautiful.  I may not be perfect, may not be a size 6, and can be a little kooky occasionally – but I am 100% me.

All of you that play a part in my life are amazing. Just the way you are. I wouldn’t change a thing.

Enjoy your weekend,

Angie

The Purple Passion Pride Project

                                        A special hello to all of my friends. 

Sometimes you get an idea in your head that can't be easily removed. Today, that thought was of my grandmother, and her love of the color purple. Everywhere I looked, there seemed to be purple flowers smiling back at me. 

Then I decided not only was I feeling loved, but that I was wanting to share all of those good feelings with others. So naturally I decided to do a bit of research. What can I say? I can't help myself.
                                
 Purple's rarity in nature and the expense of creating the color 
gave purple a supernatural aura for centuries. Purple is the
most powerful wavelength of the rainbow. It is the most
powerful visible wavelength of electromagnetic energy.

Purple symbolizes magic, mystery, spirituality, the sub conscious, creativity, dignity and royalty. Appropriately on Memorial Day,the Purple Heart is the American award for bravery.                               

The flowers are from around the neighborhood and the toes - duh, purple! I smiled a lot, so I wanted to share an idea:

The Purple Passion Pride project!

My idea is that every single time that any of you see a purple flower over the next few months, you think of one thought. It can be something you have a great passion in life for: a job, a hobby, a person. It can be a passion, or a pride of yours. The point is to make you smile.

One smile creates a tiny flutter of happiness. That tiny flutter can grow into something bigger, causing that smile to grow and become contagious.  What will we do with a whole lot of happy people? Promote good will and good feelings!

See that purple flower as the day's inspiration. Share love, friendship, faith, confidence, pride with those that mean the most to you. It will spread like crazy.

I am the crazy optimistic nut who wants people to be happy. Guilty! If happy is a crime, then I should have a rubber room waiting for me. Life is a good thing, people! Don't get bogged down in the negativity. No matter how bad you think you have it - I guarantee that someone else has it worse than you.

I miss my grandma. In life, I'd say she is the person I related to the most. To her, I was always her little angel. In this small way, this project is in memoriam of her.

So, let's purple it up.
Smile, be passionate, and be proud.

Have an excellent week!

Angie

Kevin Cronin is a God

As I get closer to a year removed from a bad situation, it’s the little things I am reminded of most that stand out. I was walking today, and this song came on my IPod. Many things were the beginning of the end in my marriage, but this song sticks with me to this day. I bought an REO Speedwagon hits album, and this was one of the songs. It was all there – every negative thing I had in my mind, how I was being treated, and the total disregard for my feelings and opinions. A reminder that if I pretended he was right, I was clearly living with his misconceptions of how love should be. He had all these grandiose ideas of how life could be better, but was unwilling to change, or to listen. Well, Kevin Cronin…you are right. That ain’t love.

You tell me what you think I'm feelin'
You know why I do what I do
Why should you listen to a word I'm sayin'
When it's already so clear to you

You tell me 'bout my bad intentions
You doubt the very things I hold true
I can no longer live with your misconceptions
Baby, all I can say to you

That ain't love, I believe you've got the wrong emotion
That ain't love, at least it doesn't feel like love to me
As long as I say what you wanna hear
Do what you wanna do, be who you want me to be
You think that's love, well baby that ain't love to me

We've got to talk it over sometime
These feelings won't just disappear
I'm just gonna keep telling you what's on my mind
Even if it's not what you wanna hear

Ooh, right now your world and mine are such different places
Through yours I wander lost and confused
And I feel like I'm speaking in a different language
And the only words I haven't used, are

That ain't love, I believe you've got the wrong emotion
That ain't love, at least it doesn't feel like love to me
As long as I say what you wanna hear
Do what you wanna do, be who you want me to be
You think that's love, well baby that ain't love to me

You keep tellin' me, you know a place
Where your life would be better
You're makin' plans long-range
But I don't know how you expect to get there
When you refuse to change, yeah

Ooh baby, that ain't love, I believe you've got the wrong emotion
No baby, that ain't love, at least it doesn't feel like love to me
As long as I say what you wanna hear
Do what you wanna do, be who you want me to be
You think that's love, well baby that ain't love to me

Ooh baby that ain't love, that ain't lo-lo-love
That ain't love, oh no, baby that ain't love, that ain't love

That ain't love
That ain't love
That ain't love

So if these lyrics ring true to you, you deserve better. I know I deserved better. My opinion mattered. Love is accepting the person you are with, and not thinking that they need to be something they clearly are not. I am a unique individual, not a Stepford wife.

Do I like my life now? Hell yes. Figuring it out is all part of the grand scheme. Every day is a new adventure. Where am I going? I am enjoying the journey. I have a few thoughts on this subject of what will happen, but they are thoughts. I know a few things (and people) that are constants, but I want to give everything a chance to grow into the best it can be. I think I’m a grown up. Who’d of thought?

Enjoy your weekend.

Until we meet again, my friends.

Angie

Teacher says I'm a sharer :)

I feel like sharing.

This is the point that I actually give you something I've written. I know - my blog IS written by me. Not what I mean. Today's excerpt began as an emotional exercise for me when I was struggling in my marriage. Just like the painful poem I shared with all of you, this sums it up pretty well. It was a tool to grow and connect with my own emotions. I was trying to swallow them. By writing this, I was able to step out of myself and see my pain. I hope that you enjoy it.

Life, Love and Other Lessons

What is love?

   Love is...the way you feel after an amazing date. It is the wonderful combination of coffee and cream. It can be passionate, it can be bittersweet, and it can be life changing. A spark can create it, or can ignite a flame of the past. It is like a flower that begins to bloom - looking innocent, but needs tending to make it grow into a beautiful plant. The stars align by it, songs are written of it, cards by the hundreds laud it, a whole Valentine’s Day exists for it, but what is it really? Do we fall into it? Do we grow into it? How does it begin?

   Does love come from mutual attraction, friendship, or sexual escapades? All have valid points, but is it merely chemical? Are we programmed to seek love? Children learn love from parents, but romantic love comes much later. Do we have this ingrained from watching our parents? We all know that procreation does not require it, so what causes a human being to be hardwired to search for love? For that matter, when we do "fall in love", how does one know that it is truly love? Could it be merely a passing fancy or a distraction? Is it our brain telling us that this is now - our desire to be wanted, to be needed - is answered?

   I think that true love is a goal our soul sets forth for us. It is what we strive to achieve, just as much as success or wealth. Now our soul may perceive a relationship as "true love", but as the relationship unwinds before our eyes, the structure may unravel, much as a worn rug, or favorite sweater. Question is at this point, do we pick up a needle and repair the damage, or do we toss it to the curb? Learning to adjust to the flaws is a major component. If you cannot see beyond the shabbiness, how can you continue to care?

     Seeking the answer to relationship problems – this seems like a vast task, but I have theories to test. When you tell someone you love them, and the relationship ends, do those feelings just go away? Do they lay dormant in your subconscious, lurking beneath the surface? Is there a vast storage facility for those feelings to go to?  I wonder. Is there the "love room" in your mind?  This would be the place of forgotten emotions, a place with a lock and key, where we hide the feelings that can ultimately hurt us, should we decide to dwell on said feelings.

     Relationships are hard. They test the idea that love is patient and kind, forgives all things, and endures all things. Some of us live for that feeling - that initial "wow, I am seeing cupids and stars floating around" feeling in the pit of your stomach. But how can one make that feeling into something tangible, something that lasts for all time? That is the true question, as love seems to be a fleeting emotion, replaced by our friend comfort, and his companion, consistency. We can love a new puppy, we have love for our family, love a song, food, etc., but what of romantic love? How do we make that part of everyday life?

   I believe that your partner, be it man or woman, is seeking answers to the same question. It is a human emotion, flawed thought it may be, to desire romantic love. We get it, and the feeling is incredible, you go around with this silly, sappy grin on your face, and your heart says, “Yes, this is the one for all time.” Maybe it is, but that feeling fades, and you are left with the mask being pulled away from that fantastic love. You then are able to see the little flaws that lie beneath the surface. Our minds think "Wait, this wasn't what I signed on for", and your heart, still in its love-filled stupor, says “Ok, I can make this work. I can change my mate to make them who I want them to be.”

    But this is not reality talking, it is desperation. It is human nature to not be able to admit there was a mistake made. It is your need, as a normal human being, to be right or to prove others wrong for doubting your connection. So the struggle continues - you want so badly to capture that feeling you once had, and your partner being oblivious, not realizing the pain or irritation, as you swallow those true feelings whole. When you find that you are becoming a martyr to your real feelings, you should have the common sense to end it for the sake of sanity. Yet relationships such as these have been going on since the beginning of time. Husbands with a mistress, and the wife having complete knowledge, going along with it for whatever rationalization, and vice versa.

    Are we destined for one person? Do any of us believe in fate, or destiny, or the like anymore? I know that when you are with certain people, your heart pounds, your palms sweat, and you have that slightly nauseous feeling in your stomach. Is that the sign? Or does a great relationship start with common interests, friendship, and then love? These are many valid questions.

     Watching a couple in the initial phase of love is beautiful. There is much affection - much hand holding for some and long meaningful glances. Young love? In today's society, this aspect of love is not the same. Girls are having babies at younger and younger ages, but they mistake sex for love. What is left is a child, born out of passion, yet the child resented for the father running the other way. Sad really.

    Does anyone know what will make them truly happy? Does love have to exist for us to be happy? I think it does, but not necessarily in the romantic vernacular. I am not knocking romantic love. When it exists, it is mind blowing. However, the love of family and friends can be satisfying as well. I know I have put on my cynic's hat, but sometimes love in the romantic venue comes at a price. You have to decide what drives you.

     Now sometimes we want what we cannot have - or maybe should not have. At some point in everyone's life, you have experienced this. Maybe it is because you are lonely, or your current relationship is not satisfactory - either in the physical nature or in the emotional one. Some love, but do not grasp the concept of a partnership. Their emotions could be expressed, but yet they hold back out of fear of getting too close, or showing a weakness inside, or thousands of other pointless reasons. These people communicate, but the things they share are trivial. The unsuspecting partner is more of a sounding board than a true romantic companion, and this person becomes disillusioned with love. They seek an emotional connection - somewhere, anywhere.

     I will say this though, if you do not enter a relationship for the right reasons, it is destined to fail. The hardest part is deciding when to walk away. How do you do that without being emotionally scarred? For some, this is a repeat of a repeat - why does this keep happening? You begin to blame yourself - am I not pretty, thin, nice, sweet, and easy to get along with? Maybe it's me, am I the damaged one? I do not deserve to be happy. That's a load of crap. Everyone deserves to be happy, and some of us need to learn how to ask for what we really want. Period. It does not have to be a fantasy, it can be real, but you have to go get it. Don't let your dream walk away.

   True romantic love is something that happens. It is a love that is not forced. Each partner is there because they choose to be. These lovers share a connection on a physical, emotional, and intellectual plane. They do not have to define what they have, as the connection is enough. The two of them are there for each other, even if things are hard. It would be nice if it were easy, but the mere fact that it is a challenge is a key facet in the equation. Right or wrong, I think that this is the feeling worth having, and one worth fighting for. Don’t you?

Domo Arigato, Mr Roboto (and 4G)

Today, I looked at the world around myself and found myself both happy and sad at the same time. Why, you ask? In a word – technology.

I know that we have so many possibilities in our lives because of technology. We are tuned in, turned on, and instantly up to date. If you need to understand something, you turn to your smart phone. It is incredible. It can keep track of your day, allow you to look up things you don’t understand, help you translate languages you don’t speak, and lets you follow friends/acquaintances/work colleagues via applications such as Facebook or Twitter.  It has almost magical, mystical powers. In a word, that’s great. Or is it?

Is it a good thing that we are so technologically dependent? Sometimes. Technology allows us to communicate with those far away, gives us the ability to remain connected to those we love. It also allows us to manage out time, keep track of our appointments or meetings, and do a whole lot of incredible stuff.  The smart phone gives us options, gives us that step up from email – instant messenger! Text messages are also a great improvement from email. Thank you, cell phone providers. Giving us unlimited messaging and data allows communication to be instantaneous.

Those are the perks. Now, the downside.

I am saddened by the fact that two people can be together, yet conversation is horrid because neither of them can leave their phones alone. Is it impossible to be device free on a date? Do we even remember how to talk to each other face to face? Imagine this: Two young people are on a date, and he is ready to tell her that she is the only one and say those three little words. He’s nervous, and has been rehearsing this for a while. She looks into his eyes across the table, he holds her hand, begins to speak and –bzzzzzzzzzzz. Her cell vibrates on the table. She looks away, at the phone, and says “Oh, so and so is having problems. I need to call her.” What? He shifts his eyes downward, and every bit of confidence he once had is now gone. Come on!

When did we become addicted to our phones? It seems to be an epidemic sweeping the nation. I can see both sides. All I can say is this: Take time to talk – really talk. I know that your long distance connections require technology for you to remain close, but I am referring more to physical proximity. If you want to keep your friends, your family or your loved ones, you need to know how to carry on a face to face conversation. What happened to fun? Do we play games anymore? I am not talking about apps or Facebook. I am talking about card games or board games. I don’t care that everyone is playing that game on their phones. I don’t care that he’ll give you 10 lives so you can keep playing. Interaction! Face to face interaction. Imagination! What of games like Pictionary, Charades, or Dungeons and Dragons? Remember Mad Libs and the giggling we all did once our words became the most ludicrous story in the world? How about I Spy? What about the games that require physical interaction, such as Hide and Seek, Tag, Duck Duck Goose, or Twister? Is the game genre dead? I hope not.

The next time you are with a loved one, I want this little rant of mine to come back to you. Instead of reaching for that cell phone, reach for each other. If you are with a friend, remind yourself that you wanted to get together with this person and be considerate. I know, I know – there are times that it is important that you answer/look/react. If you think about it though, is it really crucial? I’ll be dating myself a little bit, but remember the days before cell phones? The world still spun, life still went on. Guess what? It’ll still be that way. I am just as guilty as everyone else, but I try to be conscious of it. I have had so many amazing experiences in the past 9 months. One trip I took last year, I stubbornly refused to take a lot of pictures and post them. The reason? I wanted that trip to be a special memory for me (and Duffy too, of course) without sharing every detail. All of the trips Duffy and I have taken are special, but those moments that are just between the two of us mean a lot to me.

There is nothing wrong with sharing on Facebook or Twitter. It is actually quite fun. The problem lies in when doing so overshadows everything else, and sometimes overshadows the whole experience. Does everyone really need to know all of your business, both good and bad? That’s for you to decide.

I am not bashing cell phones, smart phones, computers, tablets or any other technological gadget. I did praise them at the beginning of this rant. I am advocating one-on-one conversation, time spent together, game playing (board and card – not emotional!), and physical activity. I recommend reading books in whatever method you choose, even if it is electronically. You have an imagination. Use it! You’ll find that once you flip that switch, you won’t want to turn it off.

And that, in a nutshell, is my rant.

Until we meet again,

Angie

Birthdays Are An Acceptable Reason To Eat Cake

Age is only a number, right?

I have been having a week full of angst over my upcoming birthday. Turned 30 - no problem. Turned 40 - not thrilled, but I lived. 45 - I was already in a crappy marriage, so I wouldn't have noticed a small thing like a birthday. Explain to me in logical terms why 47 is upsetting to me. It's not even a milestone birthday. I feel a bit ridiculous, but I think this year's birthday is bothering me a little bit. Maybe it's the realization that 50 is coming, maybe I'm just depressed  - it could be a million little things.

Don't get me wrong -my life is pretty amazing most of the time. I have absolutely loved every single minute of the past year since late June. I have taken these incredible trips, met fantastic people, reunited with all sorts of past relationships, and developed into a confident woman. This birthday is just a little itch under my skin and I just want to scratch it until it goes away. I have threatened to remain in bed all day, creating a blanket fort, and taking a coloring book and crayons with me. Ok...let's be realistic. It's more likely that I would stay in bed and take several books with me, and a lovely bottle of wine. Yet, it's there. The anxiety over this year's birthday.

I went out tonight after work with my friend Rachel, and I did buy myself a birthday present. Nothing extravagant, just enough to make me think happy thoughts. I think I have decided that I can have a birthday, but maybe if I don't think about the age portion, I'll do better. Upon reflection, I think the thing is not that I am turning 47. I honestly think that the part that bothers me is that Jess will be 25 this year. What. The. Hell. How is that even possible? She was just born yesterday...or that's how I see it.

It's time to embrace all of it. My age, my spirit, my aging daughter...just because that's all happening does not mean I am in the twilight of my life. The best stuff is beginning. I am a young looking 47. There's that. I have hit my stride. I am more confident now than I have been in over 30 years. I have some things I want in my life. I know the people that make me smile, and that I can depend on. I have to remember that there are things worth waiting for. I need to quit trying to speed things up. Even in fairy tales, the happy ending is on the last page.

So, on April 6th, think of me for a minute, and know that I am going to be just fine. I promise. And - if you want- take a minute and send me a message. It will make my day.

Thank you.
Until we meet again,
Angie

Grasp the Who's on First Experience and Don't Let Go

Returning from vacation blows. There is no easy way to say that. This is exponentially increased when the vacation you are returning from is like heaven on earth.

I have always dreamed of going to Hawaii. I never in a million years thought that it would even be a possibility. Here's the key - never say never. Anything is possible. I have experienced a lifetime of firsts since my Independence day in June of 2014. It's kind of the thing that drives me. Life is too short. Live it like today is your very last day. I am not saying to go out and do something stupid, but those dreams? Go get them.

In 9 months I have done some pretty awesome things:

1) First and foremost, I walked away from the thing that was dragging me down and making me miserable. I could have stayed, and become some Stepford wife...but why would I want to? I had a conversation with someone very important to me and I realized I had never been truly happy in marriage #2. It was means to an end. I have not looked back.

2) I moved into my own apartment. I have never lived physically alone. Emotionally, I have done it twice. I never looked at it as scary, always with that glimmer of excitement.

3) My personality and my confidence level changed. I became the person I always knew I was underneath - not some scared, shy little girl unwilling to take a risk. Today I am ready to take on the world.

4) I flew to New Hampshire by myself. I had flown one other time by myself, but this was different. I was filled with anticipation. This culminated in New York by the trip's end. I visited several states on this trip: New Jersey, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Maine, and New York. I think we drove through another state also - I want to say it was Connecticut. I also saw the Atlantic Ocean. So many things on this trip were firsts. I saw a Broadway show, visited the Empire State Building, rode the subway, ate at a magnificent restaurant, visited Walden...I could really go on here, but I know I've written about this trip before. I also met some incredible people.

5) Another state visited was Utah to see my amazing Jess. Being able to see her in a stable, loving environment is all I have ever wanted. Seeing it filled me with joy. Some incredible sights on this trip also.

6) Sunday adventures. Never would I have believed that you could have so much fun by yourself. I enjoy the outside adventures the most, but give me something worthwhile to explore indoors and I'm there. I enjoy sharing these adventures with my FB friends.

7) Duffy's December Festo event allowed me to join him toward the end of his trip in Orlando, Florida. I got to meet more incredible people. For a girl who used to shy away from social events, this was a huge stepping stone. It also allowed us to go to Disney World. We visited Epcot and I had my first foray with Moroccan cuisine. Delicious! Second day we visited the Magic Kingdom. Isn't this everyone's idea of Disney? The evening's events were indeed magical, capped by the best fireworks show I have ever, ever seen. Standing there watching this I felt like a little girl.

8) December was a fantastic month all around. Experienced a wonderful Christmas with the Thomas family, and spent some fun filled experiences with Duffy. I got to spend time with both my parents to celebrate family. Nice way to cap off the year.

9) Normally January is the most stressful time at Blue Cross Blue Shield, but this year? Calm. I also had found a new sense of internal calm.

10) February brought a trip to New Hampshire for the best way to spend a weekend. Rest, relaxation, brownies (yes, I am still obsessing on those), and tons of fabulous movies. Best part? Movies that I brought for the majority had never been seen by Duffy. I sandwiched that trip in between snow storms. I got out of New England right before another round of snow.

11) Said trip to Hawaii. So many firsts. I even carried the new experience seeking a step up. I tried a few foods that I have never eaten before. I had tripe, octopus, and many fruity umbrella drinks that I have always seen, but never drank. I became Champion of the World when I went from the Hot Tub into the Cold Plunge pool. Think the Polar plunge. The first day, I was the only one to go all the way in, but did not go underwater. You'd of thought that would be sufficient. Nope. Day 2, I decided to go big or go home. I went all the way in and dunked. Honestly, if you make it to the bottom, going under is not that much more. I think because I did it twice I gave Duffy the motivation to do it. He said that as long as you did it all at once and didn't hesitate, it wasn't that bad.

The Hawaii trip is one that will stay with me for a lifetime. I was able to spend fabulous time with Duffy, his sister Sandi, and her boyfriend John. Sandi and John are terrific companions to adventure with. Vacation rules of not eating at chains or places that we have at home? Done. These two wonderful people are the ones that made the whole thing a possibility. I am forever in your debt. Also, I think the soundtrack of the Volcano State Park trip will never, ever be forgotten. I laughed at some of the music, but sang along to a majority of it. One of the best road trips I have ever had. Sandi- I think we need a shopping trip sometime to make up for the one we missed. John - I'm sorry you didn't catch a big fish. That would have been amazing. I hope the remainder of your vacation is truly wonderful.

So many firsts. One would think I could sit back and breathe for a while. One would think...

I'm looking forward to my next adventure. One day at a time, riding an incredible wave, and seeing where it takes me - my life is extraordinary!

Until we meet again,
Angie

Punxsutawney Phil sees what he wants to see - So should you

Welcome to February.

I have been shockingly silent as of late, but a wise man once told me that if I am going to write, I need to do it for the pleasure of writing. Somehow, the idea of writing for a bit seemed more like a chore than a joy. I prefer to want to write instead of feeling like I have to. Frankly, it isn’t something that a lot of people think about. I know a few folks who read my blog regularly, but if it isn’t there, the world is not going to stop turning.

That said, today I woke up with a smile on my face, and full of happiness. That happiness is going to spill out somewhere, and I wanted it to be in my writing. So much of my life has been out of my control. I lived so long in the shadows that I wasn’t sure I was ever going to come out of it. Guess what? I am a shiny penny, and I am bursting with light. Things that used to upset me no longer do. I could be upset for making mistakes – the old me would have been in a pit of despair and self-loathing because I made an error that I probably cannot argue my way out of. Not anymore. Own it, evaluate why and what caused the error, learn, and move on.

I used to be frightened of new things and new people. Social situations made me uncomfortable. It’s a fantastic feeling to overcome those fears. Once I accepted the reasons for those fears – that I was not happy with myself – life got a lot better. Reinventing myself was the best thing that could have happened. I grew. I became confident. Having positive thoughts makes you feel good about yourself, and the better I feel, the more I can see it manifest itself in my physical appearance. I had a period in my life that I ate to compensate for the bad feelings. Food didn’t change this. The bad feelings were still there, and I felt even worse as I gained weight on top of everything else.

Be the person that makes you happy. You do not have to explain the reasoning for your choices. You need to please yourself first. Surround yourself with people who care about you, not what you can do for them, or that want to control you. Best advice? That thing that you think you can’t do? Give it a whirl. You might fail, but what if you succeed? The rush is incredible. Take a chance. Let someone see you for who you really are. If they are meant to be there, they will embrace all of you – quirks and all. Some of those quirks may be theirs. They may actually like things that you do. It doesn’t mean that you like the same of everything. It just means that your kind of crazy is also theirs.

Don’t overthink. Do. Love yourself. Chances are - someone else is going to love you too. Take care, my friends.

Until we meet again,

Angie

Only I can turn a Couch Potato Moment into a Life Debate

As I sit here on my couch debating whether or not I want to begin reading a new book, I have all these thoughts racing in my head. I am the product of years and years of issues, challenges, and the like. It shocks me that at 46 years old, I finally found my way back to me. Incredible. Granted, I still struggle – mostly with conflict and voicing my own opinion, but I get out there. I do things. I go places. I have friends. If I feel like being a silly ass, I will be a silly ass. If I want to sing in public, I will sing in public. If I get up on the bar and start dancing…well, by god, one of you better drag my drunk butt off the counter before I fall on my face!

Sometimes I feel like Sandy from Grease. All goody-two shoes, but then out comes the wild child. I have done a fantastic job of hiding her all of these years. She has always been there, right under the surface, screaming and clawing her way to the top. Which leads me to the person I am today. I am in control of my life. I have a few things that make me very happy, but I am not defined by those pieces. I am smart, I enjoy learning, making friends, taking chances, and have become well rounded. Take me or leave me.

I once had a dream that I was going to lose someone very precious to me, and I curled up – very small in a ball on the floor in that dream and I cried as if my heart were shattered. When I woke, I had tears streaming down my face and I was curled up tight in a ball on my bed. I feel strong emotions even as I sleep. Does that make me weak? No. I am emotional, I am passionate, and I don’t regret those feelings. I cry at sad movies, stories, and have even welled up over a few commercials. The positive, secure girl I can be would push away her doubts – but will the slightly insecure person ever truly leave me forever? And if that insecure girl ceases to exist, will I no longer feel emotions as strongly as I do?

I am going through a period of introspection. Nothing to be alarmed about, folks. I just want to be the best me that I can be. I accept (begrudgingly) that I can’t turn off emotions at times, and that my brain has its flights of fancy like anyone else. Yet, I trust. I love. I believe. I can’t sprint to the finish line. I need to ride the wave, reveling in the ebb and flow of it all. That’s my biggest problem. I tend to want everything right now. However, that being said, I know that I need to be persistent, as some things are truly worth the wait. So, stuck in the middle – between right now and someday. Isn't that a good place to be though?

Torn by who I am now, and who I want to be. Both one and the same person, but the person I want to be has ideas. Notions. Schemes even. She wants to write for a living, or teach, or the like. That girl wants to incorporate all of the best qualities she has into something great. The today Angie wants to meet future Angie right away. I know that I need to wait it out.  It gives the current me a chance to develop the skills I am best at – to learn, to grow, to let my confidence soar to new heights. I am going to reach that brass ring. Whatever I choose to become or explore or develop – it’s my choice. Those that support my decisions or encourage me to become better, more confident, more intelligent – those are the people I want to share my passions with.

Probably more of Angie’s brain than you really wanted to know about. Thank you all for listening to my rambles.

Until we meet again,

Angie