After my big Knoxville summer adventure, I came home. I felt a little sad. It was an awesome opportunity for me. Yet, I missed all my friends. My family is fabulous, but my friends?!?!? So many of them are so much more than just my friends. I feel like they are family. I support their ups and downs as they do mine. One of my greatest gifts is my emotional connection to other people. It's one of those things that makes me who I am.
The other thing is the writer within my soul. That's why I started this blog in the first place - to share my thoughts and observations on life, my poetry, my stories - all of it. I fully embrace all my craziness. I struggle. Just like any other person. I had to get help this year. I hit rock bottom. I felt distraught and disillusioned. I tried to get back to me. I fought hard. I needed help at times, and when I reached out, my friends were there. You may ask why I didn't go to my family. It is not a slight against them in any way. I felt like a big failure. A rug got yanked from under me, and I fell apart. I won't talk about the details because they are not important. The thing to know is that I had a period of time taking me all the way back to the person I had fought like hell to not be anymore. I was in essence broken inside. I woke up, I went to work, I put on this mask of being OK, I came home at night, I ate dinner, and I went to bed. This was my existence. One hell of a crappy life. I thought something was wrong with me.
Little by little, I peeked out at my existence, and I knew I had to change. For me. No one else. I had to decide if I was going to sit and wallow or if I was going to make myself better. The first thing that had to come was a change. The coordinator position could NOT have come at a better time. I was scared -sure, but I like what I do. I hate the stress that comes with it, but I like the general tasks of my job. That's a fair way to say it. I am overwhelmed currently, but like anything else, I will take the challenge head on and give it all I've got. The depression held on longer than I would have liked it to so I asked my doctor for help there. Medication is not a horrible thing. When it's to make that sadness and worthlessness leave, it's completely worth it.
So here I am. 6 months into the coordinator position. Kind of a checkpoint for me. I feel good much of the time. I do have days where it overtakes me and the stress and anxiety become front and center. Today I had a bit of that. I had a reason for that from a memory that came up in my timeline. I let myself feel a bit of anger that I needed to feel. I let it go. It doesn't matter anymore. And guess what? When you feel like that, reaching out to the right people really helps your mood. Couple of nameless folks gave me support whether they knew they were or not. People who make me laugh? Priceless.
Spending all summer in Knoxville was a huge adventure. It was rewarding. I missed out on a lot at home though. This is not the end of the world. My life is far from over, and I have so many more things to experience. I want to have fun. I want to know some folks better. I want to continue to be me. That is the most important. I came out of my shell. I learned how to talk to people better. I made wonderful friends in Knoxville. I made wonderful friends at home. I still have times where I struggle. I have times when I do not want to be around people at all. No talking. It's OK though.
Where do I go from here? I am honestly not sure. I have put a lot of heart and soul into my writing lately. It's who I am, and I had forgotten that connection of writing and coping. In my notes section of my Facebook page, there are several poems I wrote, as well as a few in the blog here. I have several that came from my first divorce. The one I reposted today had nothing to do with that. It was just the very first poem I ever wrote. It still makes me proud today. The other poem that I am proud beyond measure is this one. I wrote it when I was struggling with making a decision in my second marriage to leave or go. It's powerful, and I put it out there to let anyone know if you are abused - mentally, physically - you don't have to take it. You deserve more.
Casting
eyes downward,
She
avoids the gaze of others.
Questions
she is not ready for,
She
draws the strength inside her,
Making
painful decisions.
A bag of
her belongings on the floor,
She is
on the run again,
Alone in
her car.
A
sanctuary where she escapes
A place
that has no judgment.
She has
become skilled at hiding,
Makeup
camouflages her shame.
Outwardly,
she appears unscathed
Hardly a
flaw shows.
Inside,
her soul is shattered.
No one
knows or suspects
The
control executed.
She
becomes a child without opinion,
Without
value.
She
feels very small.
Looking
in the mirror,
When did
it happen?
She can
be beautiful and vivacious,
Yet this
part has been stolen,
Invisibility
and worthlessness remain.
Her true
nature screams inside,
Pushing,
clawing, seething,
Reminding
her that she is worth it.
She must
break free,
End the
cycle.
It has
been too long
Since
she felt pretty,
Since
she was desired,
Since
intimacy played a role.
She is
merely subservient.
He makes
her decisions,
He
allows no compromise,
Expecting
a slave from their union,
Friends
cease to exist,
He
exerts total control.
She
knows this must end,
Living
this way is insane,
But the
fear is just below the surface.
It can
explode at a moment’s notice,
And
claim her in the fallout.
Run.
You have
the power.
You have
the strength.
You are
more than this,
And you
are worth it.
Much love to all of you, my friends. Today's lesson is to be yourself always. Life is filled with ups and downs, but it is how we cope that makes us who we are.
Until we meet again,
Angie
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