Sunrise...Moon Set

I surprise even myself sometimes at the little things that make me happy.

I used to take so much time on the big things and became disappointed when things did not happen the way I wanted them to, or in the time table I wanted them to. I still sometimes have moments of sadness if I can't figure out how to get what I want. These are the big picture things. Big picture events take time, work, effort...you don't snap your fingers and they just happen. That's why stories have a happy ending - because there was effort.

This very morning, I woke up after not sleeping real well. That happens sometimes. It's a bitch to get older, I'm telling ya right now. Instead of focusing on that, I glanced at the clock and the realization hit me that the sunrise was mere minutes away. Here in the land of the apartment buildings, it wasn't something I was going to be able to see very well - if at all. I quickly threw on clothes, grabbed my keys, and off I went at a blazing 35 miles per hour to Rock Valley. (35 because number one, I live in a residential neighborhood, and number two, my turkey friends rule the hood in the early AM). No coffee (gasp!), no shower (a bit pungent), and hair not brushed. Beauty frickin' queen.

As I hit the intersection of Pepper and Mulford, I was treated to the beauty of the sun beginning to peek out over the field. Blues, yellows, pinks, oranges...sunrises and sunsets are important business, kids.  I pulled into the parking lot of Rock Valley and snapped a couple of nice glowy sunrise photos and one of the moon setting in the West. Not professional photographer quality, but just capturing that moment... the one that night turns back into day. It's glorious. I stood, watching the sun creep up for several minutes, wearing my satisfaction and happiness on my sleeve. Then, realization number two hit me. Like someone smacking me in the back of the head. The POND!

It's a bit cooler this morning than it has been. I looked at the temperature and it was 55 degrees. The reason that is important is because if the air is cooler than the water in the Duck pond, you have clouds of steam rising off of it as the sun comes up. I jumped back in the car, drove around to the other side of Rock Valley, walked quickly (because at this age in the wet dew of the grass I will probably fall and break a hip), and got to the pond. My efforts were rewarded, watching the steam roll off the pond as the sunlight hits it and warms the water. Just a magical sight and magical timing.
Even though my feet were soaked through my shoes, I got to see it. Snapped pictures which don't even begin to capture the majesty of the moment, but I shared them also.

It's these. These are the moments we need to appreciate. We can't always control what happens to us, but we can live in the sheer beauty and magic of the little moments of our lives. Mock me if you will, but what I like best about myself is that I see things in a different way than most. I am enthralled by clouds on a sunny day, I am in awe of a clear night and a sky full of stars out where the city lights don't take their majesty away. I giggle with glee when an animal goes from being a stranger to me to wanting to love me up with headbutts and snuggles. I love moments of laughter. I am thrilled to share my thoughts with people I care about. I don't have to be rich. I enjoy grilled cheese on the level of gourmet dining. I worship coffee as if it was godlike.

Appreciate every moment. If you do, the irritations, the frustrations - well, they will still be there - but you might not mind quite as much. You saw the world through the eyes of magic for the briefest of moments, and it made you smile.

Until we meet again,
Angie

Jane, Stop This Crazy Thing!...Or Life in Retrospect

It's a Friday night, and I'm partying heavily...

By that, I mean I have a glass of wine and my laptop in front of me, typing away at a story or two. I'm a loner, Dottie. A rebel.

I find it funny the amount of time I spend pondering things the older I get. I get an idea in my head, and it rolls around in there - seemingly having nothing to stop it. I was there for brains, I swear I was.

Lately it's been things like - oh, I remember how that tasted as a kid. Or, gosh -  I wish it was like it was when I was small. Recently for example: I am driving back from checking on my friend's house, and I am struck with this taste in my mouth for the hot dogs we used to get when I was little and there was an amusement park we would visit. I have tasted nothing like them since. Weird, right?

Today is my daughter's birthday. I am in awe over the person she is, and that I had a part in making her. I didn't go all Weird Science on her, rest assured. She came about the pleasant, old fashioned way that they teach y'all when you talk about the birds and the bees. Yes...the stork brought her. Well, duh!

 Today also marks the "day after" on a moment in my life. I made a decision back in June of 2014, and I don't regret it. Not for a single second. June 21, 2014. I walked away from a marriage that caused me pain, caused me self doubt, and left me often wondering if I was good enough for anyone. Abuse is not always physical, friends. Belittling people and making them feel like worthless garbage is just as bad and often times leaves even deeper scars. I still fight those self doubts. Every day. Yet, I know I am here for a purpose.

But everyone has those moments. Am I frustrated? Yes, somedays I am frustrated a lot. I learned though. I learned that everything happens when it's supposed to . We gravitate toward people who mean something to us. I have people in my life that have my back- no matter what. I have theirs. I made friends who are family to me. Maybe there are times I would like to have someone to hug me and tell me its going to be ok. I might not get that today. However, never underestimate a person's actions. Are they giving you kind words, asking if you're ok, or making you laugh? These are actions that speak volumes.The gift of time, laughter, and happy moments - these things last much longer than anything material ever could.

Maybe you don't understand how someone can walk away from security - be it a marriage, a job, a home - but you do what you need to do to survive, to live your life with purpose, to give yourself the greatest gift of all - piece of mind. I don't want things (except when I'm havng a childish moment and Amazon becomes my bff) that will ultimately end up in a box. I want to have things that will bring me happiness - that give me that sense of self. Things my daughter will pick up long after I'm gone and smile because it reminds her of me. Jess, I apologize in advance for the Oingo Boingo and Nightmare Before Christmas parephenalia that I possess...in addition to the number of books. Guess what? She will get to read all those story snippets I wrote over the years, the poetry, the odd character creations...I have no doubt that when I leave this earth (hopefully many years from now) that my daughter will see me everywhere in my things and see my love for her without question.

I wish to leave this life someday a long tme from now knowing that I touched lives. That I was  loved. That I left an indelible mark on this world. I may not be rich -  hell - I probably will never be rich, but I live with a richness that isn't something that can be bought. So many of you are my riches. My precious gifts that make me smile, make me laugh til I cry, and the light that shines in the darkness when I need you to the most.

Now that I've given myself the feels, I think I will go back to the writing and the wine. Spend a bit more time in that place where so many of you have touched my life. Bless you all.


Until we meet again,
Angie

Friends support Friends in Ohio

     Friendship is a gift. You have some friends you interact with daily, some monthly, some yearly...some you can go years between visits and nothing has changed. How do you say goodbye? It isn't necessarily a forever farewell, but life moves so fast that there are no guarantees. I am a big believer in telling people how you feel, and how much they truly mean to you. It's me. I was born this way. Emotion and I - wrapped together like a candy cane, never the two shall part. I have said goodbye to people over the course of my *ahem* years and it always comes back to this. I leave those who mean a lot to me with memories shared. 

     Allison Brannan, I am certainly going to miss you. I know that for Allison to join me on a big adventure was a lot for her. The adventure was a BIG adventure. I wanted to go to Carbondale, IL to see a Dungeons and Dragons park that I had read about. When I mentioned it, Allison was as geek thrilled as I was to see it. I knew this was a drive that I could not do alone in one day, but maybe with someone along? Doable. We left about 7am that day and returned at about 10:30 pm. That's a WHOLE lot of driving in one day, folks. The coolest part was getting to know Allison better. Lots of life conversations happened that day. We also stopped and saw the town that the creator of Popeye was from - and there were statues everywhere in the town. We had the most AMAZING sliders and I had a deliciously decadent alcoholic milkshake that day as well. However, the memory that stands out for the day has to be the unfortunate meeting of my passenger mirror with the evil orange barrel of hell. Woke Allison and I right up, and was SO close to home without incident. Dammit anyway.

     I will also remember fondly the times spent at the Olympic with Rosa and Allison. Nice getting together with the gals, sippin' some cocktails, eating a bit of delicious food - good times. There was also the Morgan, Angie and Allison adventure to the Galos Cave Spa and Myopic books, the Pabst mansion with the random deliciousness of sushi...these are the memories of our friendship, Allison, that I hope you take with you as you journey to Ohio. If you are broken, I believe that you will find your way back to being the best person you can be. 


     My advice to you? Take risks. Live every day like it was your last day on Earth. Don't forget the people who love and care about you, as you may think there are few - but in truth, there are oh so many. This is the beginning of a grand adventure. Do something you are afraid to do. Learn new things. Embrace new friends. Read much and often. Stretch your comfort zone and fly, Allison. You've got it in you. I know you do. Being your friend is an honor and a privilege. This isn't goodbye.  I have a feeling that we shall see each other again. Too many adventures yet for it to be goodbye.

     Know that you are loved and you will be missed immensely. Farewell for now, my dear friend.

Until we meet again,
Angie


     

Pay No Attention to the Girl behind the Curtain

2017.

A year of good mixed with bad. At the start, it found me putting the pieces back together from crippling depression.  Months of not feeling good enough for anyone or anything. My saving grace was friends who cared and supported me. I met new people. I returned to something I have always loved - the ability to write. I had been blogging for a long time, but this was revisiting writing stories and poetry. This was the ability to learn in the company of others who are supportive and forthcoming with critique.

I have now dived into 2018. Still medical issues. I feel good at times, but the exhaustion can overtake me in a minute. We have ruled out some pretty big things  - lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, any other anti immune diseases - so what now?

Next up, colonoscopy. Can I say I am less than fucking excited for this? One friend did tell me it’s going to be more action than they saw last year, so I guess that’s a plus. I still battle depression. I know those people who come up to you and say,  “Oh cheer up! Smile.” are meant to make you feel better. Christ, I do it myself. But the god’s honest truth? It’s not something that just “goes away”. Major depression is real, it’s fucked up, and can strike unexpectedly at any given moment. It’s caused by many things both physical and psychological. Some people never get better. I am better, but I always know it lurks right underneath my conscious being, and can be randomly set off by the stupidest things. When it happens, I can lay in bed or on the couch for days.

Where do we go from here? I am living life, one day at a time. I have great days, I have awful days - not gonna change. Am I lonely? Sometimes I am. Not really wanting to delve into romantic feelings right now. I have to believe that I will get there when it’s time.

For now, I may be quiet on the blogging front, but know it is because I am fighting my own personal battles. Thanks for those who support and care about me.

Until we meet again,
Angie

Gooooood morning, Saturday Insanity!

Being that my body felt the insane desire to be up at 4 am today, I did some life pondering. I was reading some old saved stories. One I posted a portion of on this blog prior, but not to the extent that I had written. It began as a exploration of how love is supposed to be, as my marriage was a big pile of shit at that point. I began this years ago while married to my first husband, so this has been around a while...

I used the writing of this story to explore the topic of love, and its meanings and such. It helped me cope since I felt out of control. I then extended it to poke a little fun about dating, life, and the like. I think this needs to be allowed in its current form, with the full intent on me continuing this tale. I like it as an alternative expression of humor with a wee bit of true emotional rawness mixed in. So, those of you who viewed the initial content- my apologies for a bit of repeat. But - if you indulge me, you'll see the intent of posting in its current state of entirety.

Life, Love (?), and Other Lessons

What is love?

   Love is...the way you feel after an amazing date. It is the wonderful combination of coffee and cream. It can be passionate, it can be bittersweet, and it can be life changing. A spark can create it, or can ignite a flame of the past. It is like a flower that begins to bloom - looking innocent, but needs tending to make it grow into a beautiful plant. The stars align by it, songs are written of it, cards by the hundreds laud it, a whole Valentine’s Day exists for it, but what is it really? Do we fall into it? Do we grow into it? How does it begin?

   Does love come from mutual attraction, friendship, or sexual escapades? All have valid points, but is it merely chemical? Are we programmed to seek love? Children learn love from parents, but romantic love comes much later. Do we have this ingrained from watching our parents? We all know that procreation does not require it, so what causes a human being to be hardwired to search for love? For that matter, when we do "fall in love", how does one know that it is truly love? Could it be merely a passing fancy or a distraction? Is it our brain telling us that this is now - our desire to be wanted, to be needed - is answered?

   I think that true love is a goal our soul sets forth for us. It is what we strive to achieve, just as much as success or wealth. Now our soul may perceive a relationship as "true love", but as the relationship unwinds before our eyes, the structure may unravel, much as a worn rug, or favorite sweater. Question is at this point, do we pick up a needle and repair the damage, or do we toss it to the curb? Learning to adjust to the flaws is a major component. If you cannot see beyond the shabbiness, how can you continue to care?

     Seeking the answer to relationship problems – this seems like a vast task, but I have theories to test. When you tell someone you love them, and the relationship ends, do those feelings just go away? Do they lay dormant in your subconscious, lurking beneath the surface? Is there a vast storage facility for those feelings to go to?  I wonder. Is there the "love room" in your mind?  This would be the place of forgotten emotions, a place with a lock and key, where we hide the feelings that can ultimately hurt us, should we decide to dwell on said feelings.

     Relationships are hard. They test the idea that love is patient and kind, forgives all things, endures all things. Some of us live for that feeling - that initial "wow, I am seeing cupids and stars floating around" feeling in the pit of your stomach. But how can one make that feeling into something tangible, something that lasts for all time? That is the true question, as love seems to be a fleeting emotion, replaced by our friend comfort, and his companion, consistency. We can love a new puppy, we have love for our family, love a song, food, etc., but what of romantic love? How do we make that part of everyday life?

   I believe that your partner, be it man or woman, is seeking answers to the same question. It is a human emotion, flawed thought it may be, to desire romantic love. We get it, and the feeling is incredible, you go around with this silly, sappy grin on your face, and your heart says, “Yes, this is the one for all time.” Maybe it is, but that feeling fades, and you are left with the mask being pulled away from that fantastic love. You then are able to see the little flaws that lie beneath the surface. Our minds think "Wait, this wasn't what I signed on for", and your heart, still in its love-filled stupor, says “Ok, I can make this work. I can change my mate to make them who I want them to be.”

    But this is not reality talking, it is desperation. It is human nature to not be able to admit there was a mistake made. It is your need, as a normal human being, to be right or to prove others wrong for doubting your connection. So the struggle continues - you want so badly to capture that feeling you once had, and your partner being oblivious, not realizing the pain or irritation, as you swallow those true feelings whole. When you find that you are becoming a martyr to your real feelings, you should have the common sense to end it for the sake of sanity. Yet relationships such as these have been going on since the beginning of time. Husbands with a mistress, and the wife having complete knowledge, going along with it for whatever rationalization, and vice versa.

    Are we destined for one person? Do any of us believe in fate, or destiny, or the like anymore? I know that when you are with certain people, your heart pounds, your palms sweat, and you have that slightly nauseous feeling in your stomach. Is that the sign? Or does a great relationship start with common interests, friendship, and then love? These are many valid questions.

     Watching a couple in the initial phase of love is beautiful. There is much affection - much hand holding for some and long meaningful glances. Young love? In today's society, this aspect of love is not the same. Girls are having babies at younger and younger ages, but they mistake sex for love. What is left is a child, born out of passion, yet the child resented for the father running the other way. Sad really.

    Does anyone know what will make them truly happy? Does love have to exist for us to be happy? I think it does, but not necessarily in the romantic vernacular. I am not knocking romantic love. When it exists, it is mind blowing. However, the love of family and friends can be satisfying as well. I know I have put on my cynic's hat, but sometimes love in the romantic venue comes at a price. You have to decide what drives you.

     Now sometimes we want what we cannot have - or maybe should not have. At some point in everyone's life, you have experienced this. Maybe it is because you are lonely, or your current relationship is not satisfactory - either in the physical nature or in the emotional one. Some love, but do not grasp the concept of a partnership. Their emotions could be expressed, but yet they hold back out of fear of getting too close, or showing a weakness inside, or thousands of other pointless reasons. These people communicate, but the things they share are trivial. The unsuspecting partner is more of a sounding board than a true romantic companion, and this person becomes disillusioned with love. They seek an emotional connection - somewhere, anywhere.

     I will say this though, if you do not enter a relationship for the right reasons, it is destined to fail. The hardest part is deciding when to walk away. How do you do that without being emotionally scarred? For some, this is a repeat of a repeat - why does this keep happening? You begin to blame yourself - am I not pretty, thin, nice, sweet, and easy to get along with? Maybe it's me, am I the damaged one? I do not deserve to be happy. That's a load of crap. Everyone deserves to be happy, and some of us need to learn how to ask for what we really want. Period. It does not have to be a fantasy, it can be real, but you have to go get it. Don't let your dream walk away.

   True romantic love is something that happens. It is a love that is not forced. Each partner is there because they choose to be. These lovers share a connection on a physical, emotional, and intellectual plane. They do not have to define what they have, as the connection is enough. The two of them are there for each other, even if things are hard. It would be nice if it were easy, but the mere fact that it is a challenge is a key facet in the equation. Right or wrong, I think that this is the feeling worth having, and one worth fighting for. Don’t you?

     Our society is wired for you to be part of a couple. Go to dinner alone, and the host/hostess asks, "Only one?" How depressing. You then spend the rest of your evening pondering why it is ONLY ONE. Buck up folks! Maybe it is your choice to be only one, maybe you prefer the solitary time to muse over the day's events, or your life's journey. You and you alone chose to go to dinner by yourself. It does not have to be some sad commentary of how you were not part of a couple. Jeez. The ads you see on television are of couples, families, or singles desperately seeking their other halves. Show me a commercial of someone single, reveling in their aloneness. Can't think of even one

, can you?

    

Let's touch on a few topics.

First, the blind date.

Dear God, why would friends do this to another person?  You know nothing about this person that your friends, in their ultimate wisdom, have determined is "perfect" for you. Really? I mean really? You, as the desperate lonely loser (which is your friend's wording, not mine), are now relegated to go out to dinner with said blind date. Now you have to look presentable. Walk over to your closet - it is filled with dozens of items that you would not/should not be caught dead in. Should you ask your friend's opinion? I think not. Remember, this is the same friend who has determined that you are not going to be a crazy cat lady or creepy old man under their watch. I rather think their opinion at this point is mute.

     After many, many, MANY wardrobe changes, you find the look that says, "Ok, here I am. This is what I am about." Hair - check, deodorant – check. Oh wait. Did I put on enough? So off you go to slather more deodorant under your arms. Look in the mirror - is that deodorant stains on your shirt? Off to yet your millionth wardrobe change. Teeth brushed - check, blow out into your palm to check it - eeewww. Grab the mouthwash, chug half of the bottle, gag into the sink as swallowing mouthwash is disgusting. Ok, ready? Now you are a stressed out, sweaty, disgruntled mess....bring on the love of your life!

     Here we go, walk into the restaurant - so far, so good. Your friend did not forget to tell you what level of attire is suitable for said restaurant. You go to the host, as you have arrived 15 minutes prior to the time he/she is going to show up. Escorted to the table, you are conscious of other people looking at you in the restaurant. Oh dear God, why?

 Do I have a booger? Is my hair mussed? As you pass by the mirror in the restaurant, you realize why people are staring - and now pointing and laughing. There, stuck to the back of your jacket/dress, is a sock. Crap! You beg the host to please, please remove the offensive material, which they do. Sit down at the table. Determine which seat is optimal for you, make sure it is not under an air conditioning vent or heater vent. After a 5 minute debate on this subject, you are ready for the date to begin.

     Here he/she comes - ok, looks wise, not half bad. Yet there is something oddly familiar about this person. Hmmm - How do I know you? This is going to make me crazy. Was it school? Public place? Someone I work with? Blind date opens their mouth to speak, meanwhile you are completely lost in trying to figure out who they are. A blank stare comes across their face - oh no! She/he asked me a question, and you did not hear it, because you were too busy obsessing. Do you A) look like an ass and say "pardon?", B) say something clever like "Oh, I am sorry, I did not hear you over the kitchen noise/music/loud people talking, etc., C) spill your water in a desperate attempt to not look like a fool for not listening, or D) pretend you heard the question, and say something that only you deem smooth in your mind?  Yet you go with none of these. You choose option E) stand up, catch the tablecloth on your clothing, and pull all liquid beverages on yourself. Smooth!

     Now that you have sufficiently guaranteed that there will not be a second date, you try to diffuse the situation. Out comes the wine list. You try to impress your date with your wine knowledge - God bless the internet!  Your date looks at you with disdain, she/he is not a drinker. How dare you suggest such a thing? Ok, off to a rocky start to say the least. You apologize profusely, and then it happens - the moment where you remember HOW you know your blind date. This person went to the same party as you in college, and was so drunk they took their clothes off and streaked through the campus, until one of the campus police tackled them, and, as typical, in a large rose bush. You stifle the urge to laugh out loud- must...not…laugh, must.....not.....laugh. Suddenly it bursts out of your lips, initially like a balloon releasing air, then turning on to a chortle, and becoming a full on cackle. The entire restaurant turns to look at you, your face becoming a lovely shade of purple, tears streaming from your eyes, nose running - yet the ability to stop has left the building. Your date gets up, throws a glass of water in your face, utters a few choice words, and storms out.

Ah Karma, she's a bitch.

 Next up: being the single person at a wedding.

What a supreme joy, your dearest friend is getting married. You are happy for them, but in your mind, you keep thinking "Oh crap, I need to find someone to take to the wedding." Now usually, going to a wedding together is something that happens after you have been dating AWHILE. It's not like your first date is dinner and a movie, second date, hey let's go to a wedding together - are you fucking crazy?  He/she will look at you, and in their head go, "Run, dammit, run. Date two and this person is instantly thinking commitment? Run, Run.....for the love of God run!"  So you weigh the alternatives: A) Go with a family member - safe bet? Well, think again. Said family member, if they are acquainted with other people at the wedding, will automatically go into Match.com mode. "Hey look at that guy/girl. Aren't they good looking? You should ask them out." or - and my personal favorite, "Hello (insert name here), have you met my cousin, brother/sister? They were just talking about you and I think you two would really hit it off" - telling this person how alone and desperate you have become? No thanks.

B)Skip the wedding all together. However in this scenario, the repercussions are HUGE. Remember , this is the friend that knows every last dirty secret you have - and after a few drinks, becomes blabby. So, all of your family are at this wedding, and now Mom and Dad know about the drunken weekend bash you had when they were out of town. The person you've secretly crushed on all these years? Well, cat's out of the bag! Heaven help you if they manage to dig out the photographic evidence of the most horrific moments you have been trying to forget.  Hello,  late night phone call after the reception!

     Which leaves us with option C) Go alone. Ok, this option seems sad and desperate, but really? This is actually the smartest choice. Yes, you do look a bit pathetic, but on the plus side, you are in the driver's seat. You can do this.Think suave and sophisticated. Be the one that everyone looks at for the right reasons. Yeah...

Fast forward to the day of the wedding. Tumble out of bed. You have that killer outfit, the right shoes, the hat that says "Wow, I am awesome!" 5 hours until you have to be at the church. Off to the bathroom, glance in the mirror - OH, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY - look at the size of that zit! Right on the tip of your nose. Suave...um no. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer? That is much, much closer. Keys, keys - race to the drugstore. Never mind that you still have a nasty case of bedhead and are dressed in the world's rattiest pajamas -  the day will be ruined with Godzillazit! (For the  bride, of course) SHE'd be mortified.

     Burst into the drugstore, trip over your own feet, take a nasty tumble on the tile floor. Spectacular! Now not only do you have the zit of a lifetime, you now have bruises on your body. What is that red stuff? You are also cut and bleeding. Son of a bitch! Stumble up to the clerk, beg for a band aid, and plead for ANYTHING that will shrink the pimple down to a manageable size in four and a half hours.

   You leave the drugstore with $150.00 worth of desperation. Drive home at a break-neck pace, leap from the car, slather, pick, poke, scrub...then repeat. Look in the mirror again - not only has Godzillazit NOT shrunk, it has now brought a few of its closest friends, as well as a killer strawberry rash, and that lovely band aided gash on your forehead- naturally has a Hello Kitty band aid, as that is all the clerk at the drugstore had (or so she said. Personally,you think it is some sick vendetta since you disturbed her in the midst of a conversation with some good looking guy). Well, fuck.  Too late to back out now - only 2 hours until your doom.

     Trying to make the best of a bad situation, now you decide to shower. Naturally, no hot water.Why not? Teeth chattering madly, you get out, blindly grasp for the towel on the door, as you are still sporting soap in your eyes, which is stinging unlike any pain you have ever experienced. Then you manage to pry them open a crack - SWEET MOTHER - lo and behold, you have used your wedding outfit as a towel! Sit on the bathroom floor, a wet, naked, pimpled ball, and cry.

     After five minutes of self-piteous weeping (where even the dog is like "Come on, pull yourself together! What are you - three?"), you find the courage to go over to your closet. What do you have left to wear to a wedding? Well, remember, there IS still the coolest hat in all the universe, and the shoes...which are...right...NO SPOT NOOOOOOOO! Not only has the dog mocked you senselessly, the bastard has now reduced the shoe count from a pair to a single. Perfect. Well? Closet? Etu Brute'? Who dresses you - Bozo? Yes, let's pull out the plaid with the polka dot shirt...there has GOT to be something else. Has someone broken into your home and replaced the cool clothes with garage sale rejects?  There...in the back...what's this?  A presentable look....say it ain't so, Mable. Pray really, really, really hard that the one decent outfit in the closet still fits. Off the hanger...so far so good, over the ass...oh, my, this MIGHT work. Go for the zipper....up, damn you! Suck it in even harder...tug, tug, there you go! You are in! Big shirt...bless you, hide that gut. Look in the mirror - not half bad. Finish the look, even the pimple is shrinking in absolute fear. 30 minutes...you can do this. Grab the shoes that will make your toes wince with pain, but remember, beauty is pain. Force those piggies into them!  Throw on the chapeau, and OFF WE GO!

     Drive at a snail's pace to the church...right behind grandma and her blue hair. Plenty of time. Breathe, breathe...you can do this. Arrive at the church 5 minutes before the beginning .People look at you and smile. Your friend looks at you, stifles a giggle, and proceeds to walk down the aisle. Must be happy.  The church looks amazing, you are sitting next to other mutual friends, what could be better? Here comes the bride...beautiful, elegant, lacy, white (even though WE all know that is a crock), and you sigh at the utter beauty of it all. Hmmm...you are a little itchy. Gently scratch your forehead...realizing why you were getting smiles, and a stifled giggle. Well HELLO KITTY...why not? How for the love of all things suave did you miss this?  Rip the band aid from your forehead...SON OF A BITCH!  Bite your lip to prevent you screaming out loud like a child.

     Finally, the ceremony is over. As you try to gently slide out of the pew, trip over your own feet, fall facedown in the aisle. Oh, aren't you going to make some man/woman a wonderful catch someday? Fortunately, only 75% of the church saw it, there's still a whopping 25% that has the illusion of your utter coolness and sophistication. Score! Now off to the reception.

     You walk in, and your friend that did not make the ceremony comments how stylish you look. There's one in the plus column - up against negative 350. You are making progress. And ...then it collapses. In walks ex-girlfriend/boyfriend #1, closely followed by numbers 2 AND 3. What did you do to deserve this? It's your Karma...that's what you get for laughing when that woman in white stepped right in that puddle of mud. Said trio apparently have bonded...in their shared disdain of you. Terrific! Number one approaches (affectionately referred to as BIG HEAD in your twisted brain), and says - loudly enough for the ENTIRE reception to hear- "So I see that they even invited a loser like you to the wedding. Spectacular. I see you couldn't even get a date. How sad for you!" Numbers 2 and 3 both chortle with glee, and you take IMMENSE satisfaction seeing number 3 shoot champagne out of his/her nose. Ha Ha, sucks to be you.

     And then you see her/him, across the room, looking beautiful. How could someone this classy be at this wedding/reception? Not possible. You saunter over to this Greek god/goddess, and open your mouth to speak...when they start laughing hysterically. OMG, what now? Out of the corner of your eye, you see number 1 mimic you in the worst possible way. FanFLIPPINtastic. You slink away, metaphoric tail between your legs, walking the walk of shame. Off to the bar.

     Six martinis later (hic) and yoouu are ready (hic) to hit the dance floor and shake your groove thing...wait, is it hot in here? The unholy trinity has morphed into 6, and now don't look quite so bad. BIG HEAD is surprisingly a good dancer, and number 2 (hic) is not quite as fat as they used to be, but number 3 (spastic spaz) is looking FINE (hic). You stroll (ok, stumble) on over to option #3, and in your smoothest drunk, say, "Hey babe, you are looking so sexy tonight!" , or in your head, that's what you have said. To everyone else in the room, it comes out, "Hy bab, (hic) u ar so sxy ngt" in drunken slur. Number 3 starts talking, and you are starting to feel a bit queasy. Not now stomach (hic), I might still get lucky tonight and salvage my evening. Urp, uck....go down, stay in my stomach. Number 3 is just starting to look at you in that " I want to take you to bed now" way, and you become aware that you are sweating profusely. Fortunately, number 3 has also been drinking, so you are looking like a pretty fine catch. You lean in, trying to finalize the kill...and you throw up, RIGHT in number 3's face. Your life, and your evening, is now pretty much over.

     So what's left? How are you EVER going to meet the love of your life? Your Facebook friends comment on your wall often, telling you that you DESPERATELY need to meet someone...or get laid, whichever works. You try to tell yourself, it doesn't matter. You have Facebook, you have your guild in WOW, what more could you possibly need? AND on Facebook, you are getting poked on a regular basis...kind of like getting laid, right? Right.

     One late, lonely evening, after 6 cans of Red Bull, and hours of skulking along the Internet, it comes to you. Well, actually, it pops up on one of the porn sites you've been browsing, but that's neither here nor there. Internet dating! People who are lonely, love to be on the computer, and are seeking the same things you are...what could go wrong?

You enter one of those random sites, and lo and behold, a 30 day trial membership for FREE! Yes, the computer is speaking your language tonight. Looks simple enough, set up an account, answer 50 questions to find someone who is compatible, upload a photo - ok, lets do it! Question #1 - Describe your ideal mate. Are they a) witty,often referred to as the funniest at a party b) serious,loves to read,  c) down to earth,a stay at home person , d) a party animal, loves to be the center of attention, or e) a rebel, loves to go their own way. Oh, let's go with e. Question #2 - What would you most enjoy doing on a date?  a) Night out on the town - you have to get the party started!, b) a nice candlelight dinner, then a movie, c) making dinner for that special someone, and watching a DVD in, d) a nice picnic - the outdoors is where everyone should be, or e) whatever, hey -you are easygoing. Hmm..that's a tough one. You lean towards e, put this down, then panic....wait, does that make me seem cheap, easy, or the like? Well, too late to change it now. These questions go on and on - seriously, there is one that says, If your mate had a tattoo, where would you want it to be? And the answers are waaay more graphic than you'd think. Finally, you finish. Load the one picture of yourself that does not make you wince in pain when you look at it, and voila! Complete.

     About 2 hours later, you decide to check to see if you have any nibblers. Score! You look at the picture - wait, is that a guy or girl? Is that...no it can't be...wait, yes it is - a unibrow. Are you kidding? You have 3 options - unisex unibrow, #2 - cute , but lives with parents and has NO job, and #3 - yes, needs a green card and wants to marry you, even though you have never met. Slam head into desk repeatedly. Grab the bottle of wine you were saving for the first date, and down the whole bottle. Call it a night.

     You decide to give the process a few days. Come home from work, power up Betsy (as you are that geeky to name the computer), and load the site. My! You have 10 more responses. Bring these up, rate intially by looks. Weed out the first three this way. Then look at the cute notes they have provided - ugh! Weed out two more in this process. Employed? Two more hit the chopping block. Which leaves three, and not a bad looking three at that. Ok, where do I begin? Oh, profile! Uh oh...number one is out, as on their page, state that Satan IS their lord and master. Figures. Two and three, they have possibilities. Number two is a teacher...good, divorced...can live with that, two children...yeah, ok. Seems moderately intelligent - which is a FAR cry from at least your last dozen dates. Number three is a doctor...woo hoo! New in town, looking to meet people, saw your ad, thought maybe you could show them around town on a date. Shocked, you contact both of the possibilities via email. Both respond within about an hour. You now have a Friday night, and a Saturday night date. Life is good.

     Friday rapidly approaches, and you are left with the age old quandary - first date? What the hell do we do? Since your experiences for making a first date turn into a second are sorely lacking, you consult the age old sage - your mom? Not bloody likely, as Mom will ALSO mock unrelentingly. You can't ask your friends, as they view Internet dating as one stone's throw short of the loony bin. Sigh. Who can you trust to give you the advice and answer those questions you need answered? The answer comes to you...your most trusted and reliable source, the Internet! Where to begin? You randomly search for dating advice, some seems quite smart - other pages look like they are wanting you to hook up. Not necessarily a bad idea, as you are on the mammoth of all dry spells, but think better of the idea. Ok, first up...the teacher.

     It's Friday, and what is there for two intelligent (you are including yourself in the intelligent category - for now) people to do? SCORE! A classic movie festival downtown...featuring "Casablanca", "The Maltese Falcon", and "Sabrina", as it is Humphrey Bogart night. Spectacular! You MIGHT be able to pull this off. Ahh, the movie first date - the ultimate in casual. Not forced to make horribly desperate small talk in copious amounts -  only brief, meaningless chatter. Combine this with popcorn, and a dark theater...what could go wrong?

     You agree to meet at the theater, which is also a lifesaver - as your car smells infinitely of Spot, as today was the day he needed to go to the vet. Combine this with the fact that you both shared burritos last night, and he got a bath while at the vet, and you have wet, gassy dog smell...quite the aphrodisiac. You are to meet by the ticket window. You saunter over there, and there is strike one...the online picture apparently was a bit old. The teacher has aged...considerably. Try about 15 years. Strike two...and has gained about 100 pounds since said photo. You are a dumb ass. Hell, make the best of it. What's left to do at the last minute on a Friday night? Scrabble with Mom and Dad? Bond with Spot over the latest "Jersey Shore"? Crap. Into the dark, secluded theater you go.

     The teacher (a.k.a. The Deceiver) launches into a 30 minute monologue about how classic films are a dying art form, Humphrey Bogart was one of the last classic film icons, we should feel blessed that theaters still recognize the brilliance, and show those films from time to time...blah, blah, blah. All the while munching non stop on the COLOSSAL tub of popcorn and slurping incessantly on the ...wait for it...DIET cola. You pray that no one you know will see you here, and beg for the sweet, sweet release of someone yelling "FIRE" in the crowded theater. A three movie date...who was the moron who came up with this genius idea? Oh yeah, right...that would be you. Sighing loudly, you are determined to make the best of a horrible , horrible situation.

     And...in the going from bad to worse category in 2.1 seconds, the teacher begins to get...well, a bit AMOROUS. Passes are made and deflected, arms around shoulders are deflected, grabbing of hands are mercifully slippery, due to the tub 'o corn. You excuse yourself to go to the restroom, and The Deceiver plants one on your lips...greasy, buttery, slimy...just what you have been waiting for all of your life.  You sprint towards the restroom. In your head, you are desperately mapping out escape routes and strategies. Bolt and run? Feign illness? Crawl out of the bathroom window? All seem like viable options.  However, you realize by ending the date this way, you are setting yourself up for a confrontation down the road. You call a friend...this is the same friend who set you up with drunken college streaker...who OWES you one.

     Your friend agrees to make the "escape" call in 2 minutes. You linger in the restroom, hoping to avoid a bit of the slovenly groping. Finally, you come back to the seat, and miraculously find yourself ALONE. Incredible. Your friend calls, you tell them to call back in like 10 minutes, meanwhile you wait. The Deceiver has vanished. Maybe the teacher got the subtle hint? You are slightly, inexplicably disappointed. You watch the remainder of the films, in peace, and return home. Via the online dating site, you get a message from the teacher. "I'm sorry, but this isn't going to work for me. You are too much of a tease, and are way too thin for me to find attractive. Best of luck with someone else." The Deceiver is dumping ME? Are you SERIOUS? Wow! Well, isn’t that the rub?

            So this brings us to Saturday night, and to the doctor, no less. You still have no concept of how a doctor would find you attractive, as they are more educated, most likely more put together, and went to college without being forced. Hey, you’re the lucky one for this person’s momentary lapse of judgement – let’s take full advantage of it.

...here's where I stopped. I know I had more written on this, but apparently that file is corrupt. I hope you find the humor in my little dating saga. Now that I put it out here, I have to live up to the promise to continue. Writers gotta write, dammit!

Until we meet again,

Angie

Has Angie forgotten how to Adventure? Say it ain't so, Joe.

I still adventure. Let's not think that I no longer do that.

After my big Knoxville summer adventure, I came home. I felt a little sad. It was an awesome opportunity for me. Yet, I missed all my friends. My family is fabulous, but my friends?!?!? So many of them are so much more than just my friends. I feel like they are family. I support their ups and downs as they do mine. One of my greatest gifts is my emotional connection to other people. It's one of those things that makes me who I am.

The other thing is the writer within my soul. That's why I started this blog in the first place - to share my thoughts and observations on life, my poetry, my stories - all of it. I fully embrace all my craziness. I struggle. Just like any other person. I had to get help this year. I hit rock bottom. I felt distraught and disillusioned. I tried to get back to me. I fought hard. I needed help at times, and when I reached out, my friends were there. You may ask why I didn't go to my family. It is not a slight against them in any way. I felt like a big failure. A rug got yanked from under me, and I fell apart. I won't talk about the details because they are not important. The thing to know is that I had a period of time taking me all the way back to the person I had fought like hell to not be anymore. I was in essence broken inside. I woke up, I went to work, I put on this mask of being OK, I came home at night, I ate dinner, and I went to bed. This was my existence. One hell of a crappy life. I thought something was wrong with me.

Little by little, I peeked out at my existence, and I knew I had to change. For me. No one else. I had to decide if I was going to sit and wallow or if I was going to make myself better. The first thing that had to come was a change. The coordinator position could NOT have come at a better time. I was scared  -sure, but I like what I do. I hate the stress that comes with it, but I like the general tasks of my job. That's a fair way to say it. I am overwhelmed currently, but like anything else, I will take the challenge head on and give it all I've got. The depression held on longer than I would have liked it to so I asked my doctor for help there. Medication is not a horrible thing. When it's to make that sadness and worthlessness leave, it's completely worth it.

So here I am. 6 months into the coordinator position. Kind of a checkpoint for me. I feel good much of the time. I do have days where it overtakes me and the stress and anxiety become front and center. Today I had a bit of that. I had a reason for that from a memory that came up in my timeline. I let myself feel a bit of anger that I needed to feel. I let it go. It doesn't matter anymore. And guess what? When you feel like that, reaching out to the right people really helps your mood. Couple of nameless folks gave me support whether they knew they were or not. People who make me laugh? Priceless.

Spending all summer in Knoxville was a huge adventure. It was rewarding. I missed out on a lot at home though. This is not the end of the world. My life is far from over, and I have so many more things to experience. I want to have fun. I want to know some folks better. I want to continue to be me. That is the most important. I came out of my shell. I learned how to talk to people better. I made wonderful friends in Knoxville. I made wonderful friends at home. I still have times where I struggle. I have times when I do not want to be around people at all. No talking. It's OK though.

Where do I go from here? I am honestly not sure. I have put a lot of heart and soul into my writing lately. It's who I am, and I had forgotten that connection of writing and coping. In my notes section of my Facebook page, there are several poems I wrote, as well as a few in the blog here. I have several that came from my first divorce. The one I reposted today had nothing to do with that. It was just the very first poem I ever wrote. It still makes me proud today. The other poem that I am proud beyond measure is this one. I wrote it when I was struggling with making a decision in my second marriage to leave or go. It's powerful, and I put it out there to let anyone know if you are abused - mentally, physically  - you don't have to take it. You deserve more.

Casting eyes downward,

She avoids the gaze of others.

Questions she is not ready for,

She draws the strength inside her,

Making painful decisions.

A bag of her belongings on the floor,

She is on the run again,

Alone in her car.

A sanctuary where she escapes

A place that has no judgment.

She has become skilled at hiding,

Makeup camouflages her shame.

Outwardly, she appears unscathed

Hardly a flaw shows.

Inside, her soul is shattered.

No one knows or suspects

The control executed.

She becomes a child without opinion,

Without value.

She feels very small.

Looking in the mirror,

When did it happen?

She can be beautiful and vivacious,

Yet this part has been stolen,

Invisibility and worthlessness remain.

Her true nature screams inside,

Pushing, clawing, seething,

Reminding her that she is worth it.

She must break free,

End the cycle.

It has been too long

Since she felt pretty,

Since she was desired,

Since intimacy played a role.

She is merely subservient.

He makes her decisions,

He allows no compromise,

Expecting a slave from their union,

Friends cease to exist,

He exerts total control.

She knows this must end,

Living this way is insane,

But the fear is just below the surface.

It can explode at a moment’s notice,

And claim her in the fallout.

Run.

You have the power.

You have the strength.

You are more than this,

And you are worth it.

Much love to all of you, my friends. Today's lesson is to be yourself always. Life is filled with ups and downs, but it is how we cope that makes us who we are.

Until we meet again,
Angie

Lucky 7 in Tennessee

This has been one of the most rewarding and remarkable experiences of my life.

I am in week number 7 in Knoxville, which is to be my last week with Accenture. What an incredible journey. Not only did I develop a wonderful relationship with an IL colleague - I got to know some pretty terrific people from Accenture along the way.

I have watched these folks learn the crazy product we call HMO and develop from the first day we did claims - where each of them looked at me like I had 3 heads. It's a learning process, as I remind them daily. No one comes out of the gate knowing it all. I remember not being good at claims when I started my career at BCBSIL, but I never stopped trying, never stopped wanting to know why. That curiosity led me to become a Customer Advocate Specialist. My desire to find  a way to work around errors and problem solve, to make the puzzle pieces fit - well, that led me to my current position of HMO Coordinator. When I saw this position and the possibility of travel, I jumped at it. I thought that going around in Illinois would be fantastic. I never dreamt of an opportunity such as this.

I watch each of them learn and grow with each passing day and I find myself feeling like a proud mama. It truly shows on someone's face the moment they "get it". A few still struggle yet, but the most important part? They haven't stopped trying. I'm here to tell my Knoxville family - don't ever give up. It's much like life. The things that are worth the most are the things we work hardest for. It will come.

So many personalities in one room. I started out in a room full of strangers, and now Justin, Joe, DeAnna, Shara, Amanda, Cathe, Stephanie, Frank, Kathy, Bethany, Teagan, Chris, Taharin, Missie, Nazeem,  T'Keyah, and Milo - you are part of my extended family. I am blessed to have gotten to know you all. You made me feel incredibly welcome and cared about. I won't ever forget this time we shared together. I've seen you grow and develop. Liz and I laid the foundation for you - now you go and make it your own.

Thank you to Chris Gambill, Katharine, the Accenture security(who I got acquainted with daily), the Accenture IT people (my Monday laptop hookups), the Manila team- Al, Maryann and Mai (thanks for your support!), and Paul (Midwest people rock!). Every one of you contributes to this team in some way, and the team effort will lead to a successful result.

I had some adventure along the way - which if you know me at all, you know this is a prerequisite. I've seen Pigeon Forge, Gatlinburg, Chattanooga, - checked a second state off my list (North Carolina), been through Cade's Cove in the Smoky Mountains National Park and hiked a treacherously steep path to Clingman's Dome (had to catch my breath many times) and experienced the Lost Sea. I had a lovely day with Chris Stevens to the casino, then an accidental trip down the Dragon that we will never forget. My tummy is queasy thinking about it. Chris introduced me to McKays- this is a GINORMOUS used book, DVD, CD and video game store. Can you say heaven?? The only thing that would have made it perfect would have been a Starbucks inside. Hell, I had to have the trainer "hold" my books until this trip because I would have never, ever made weight.

So many restaurants. Food choices are abundant here. This probably will involve a bit of hard work at home to go back to normal...eh, it was totally worth it. A wide variety of adult beverages may have been consumed also. One of those job hazards you hear about. I say - while in Knoxville, do as the Knoxvillians would do. There is this highway called Alcoa, but referred to as Al- killya. That road I will not miss, as I must venture on it daily. The hot tub at the hotel is quite lovely to relax in at night. I take a book down and read and soak. I've hung out at Market Square, and gave a valiant effort to eat at all the available choices there.

I gave my family praise above, but three need a wee bit more. To Liz Taylor, I say - you are a fantastic individual. The effort you put forth for this class shines through in waves. These processors are blowing out of the water the initial expectations set forth for them. You related to these folks on a personal level, and truly cared. It speaks volumes for you as a professional. To add to that, I am glad to say I got to know you better and enjoyed the heck out of the adventures we shared. I will contact you on that flow chart we discussed so I know where I am (inside joke). Thank you for letting me be your sidekick.

To Rob - you are an amazing lead, and Accenture is fortunate to have you. Thanks for directing me to the best places to eat and making sure that I always had everything I needed to do my job. I will miss hearing the stories of your family. I am sure that your wife and your daughter are wonderful people. I hope you continue to grow and excel with Accenture in the future, as you deserve all the success in the world. I'd love to come back and visit again, and you are a large part of that.

Scarecrow- I think I'll miss you most of all. To my Tenacious D friend, Dale- I am glad we became friends. I don't know who I will play musicals trivia with, but I am sure that they won't be Musicals King of the World like you. You made my time here fun, and were kind enough to let me hang out with your family, which was endless amusement for me. You, Josh, and your brother remind me of the cruder version of the Three Stooges. Plus - puppies! I got to hold the fluffy, smooshy puppies! NYC is calling you, Dale.

The Moose hat made me cry, and I love the card. I will miss you all very much. Please keep in touch with me. Thanks for making me remember why I love my job. My friends at home thank you for letting me return. It is inevitable that we will meet again. I am so blessed to have been a part of your world.

Until we meet again,
Angie