Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore

I have to say that this has been a year of change - excellent, fantastic, mind blowing change. As referencing the above title, a wondrous new world has been laid out in front of me. I have left behind the ordinary, and seek the extraordinary. Is there any other way to be?

I have felt like Dorothy so many times this year. My life, like a whirlwind, spun me around, and set me right smack in the middle of possibilities. I approach each new find with awe, respect, and wonder. I look at the new finds with childlike curiosity, realizing that yes - not only does it exist, but all I needed to do to have new experiences is to go get them. Make it happen. No longer am I content to sit on the sidelines and watch the world pass me by. I am no longer afraid.

The year is winding to a conclusion, and I am still thankful. I just had a marvelous Christmas. Remember, I have been around a few years- but I'd rank it highly among some of my fondest experiences. A special thanks to the entire Thomas family for making me feel welcome, and giving me a memory to treasure. Of course, love to my Mom for a fabulous time.  A singular thanks to Duffy Thomas for time spent together, among many other things. I went home with eyes all aglow, and a heart full of happiness.

One of the things that I will talk about in relation to Christmas is Christmas Eve. I got to do something this year that I haven't been able to in quite some time. Earlier in the afternoon, I went to a nice dinner with Duffy and his family, but that evening, I was invited to watch Christmas movies and drink eggnog. Doesn't sound like much, but to me, this is heaven. Bar none. We watched 2 movies, and drank eggnog by the fire. It was special to me.

So, I found my yellow brick road, and the Emerald City. I often think of myself as the Dorothy getting all glamoured up to see the Wizard. Once presented before him, I realize that to get my fondest desire, I need to defeat the Wicked Witch. In my case, the Wicked Witch is not an actual person. The Wicked Witch is years of self doubt, insecurity, and negative perceptions of myself. To overcome that, and achieve my fondest desires is like Dorothy killing the Wicked Witch. And much like Dorothy, there was an immense satisfaction watching my negativity melt away.

Returning to the Emerald City, I show the Wizard that I have defeated the Wicked Witch. I realize that the Wizard (some magical solution) does not exist. The Wizard is merely a man, as my efforts are merely hard work. Glinda the Good Witch reminds me that my heart's desire has been in me all along - there's no place like home. For my life, home represents that feeling inside me. Home is knowing that I had the power all along to make my life better, to take chances, to live to the fullest, to love, to dream - I am my own magic. So, when Dorothy wakes up, and realizes that all of her friends were there, and there is truly no place like home - I think that there is no better place to be than where I am right now. Watching my future unfold before me, my desires open like so many books, my heart seeking what I truly deserve - to love and be loved. To succeed, to climb the highest mountain, and all of those positive cliches I could reference here - that's what it's all about.

So what does 2015 hold? I don't know. I am okay with that. I know that once again,it's going to be a miraculous year. Happy Holidays to one and all.

Until we meet again-
Angie
(In honor of my Grandma - the Little Angel 0:) )

Above all else be thankful

It has been a little while since I wrote. It's not a bad thing - just a little unusual for me. I write for myself, but I like to share my literary passion.

Thanksgiving has come and gone, and we are rapidly approaching Christmas. I find that my thankfulness has not decreased. In fact, I think it has increased tenfold. I am very fortunate. I have so many people I love and care about and who love and care about me. I have a job. I have a place to live that's warm. I have a car, food, clothes to wear, have traveled this year to places I never expected to go, and so many more incredible things. I want for nothing.

In counting my blessings, I think of those who do not have even a portion of what I have. I make an extra effort this time of year to give to charity. Remember, it is not about the size of the gift. Whatever you have to share, whether it be monetary, or gently used clothing, or household things that you won't use, or non perishable food items, or even time - it can make someone's whole Christmas.

If you have ever participated in a toy drive, and seen the look on a child's face when they receive a toy, you know what I am talking about. It may be the only toy they get this year, and the child is thrilled. The parent of that child is also happy. Sometimes it may even move them to tears. And what do you get? You get the sheer unequivocal joy of knowing that you made a difference. You made that family's Christmas. Does it get any better than that?

To me, Christmas is magical. It always has been, and it always will be. Santa is not just for the smaller set. If you believe, wondrous things are all around us. It's a season of love, of giving. Christmas is the time to let the best of yourself shine. Some people are all about what they are going to get.  I find that my favorite part of Christmas is not what I receive. My favorite thing is what I give. When I find that perfect gift, that, in itself, is the reward. I have that desire to have the recipient open it, and think, wow, she really gets me. When you shift your focus in that manner, the holidays become so much more.

Down to 15 days until Christmas. Give where you can. Help those in need. Spend time with the people you love. That's what true Christmas magic is all about.

That, and words from a classic:

Charlie Brown: Isn't there anyone who knows what Christmas is all about?

Linus: Sure Charlie Brown, I can tell you what Christmas is all about. Lights please.

And there were in the same country shepherds, abiding in the field,

keeping watch over their flocks by night. And , lo, the angel of the 

Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round 

about them. And they were sore afraid, and the angel said unto 

them, "Fear not, for behold I bring you tidings of great joy, which

 shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of 

David, a savior, tis Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto

 you. You shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes lying in

 a manger." And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of

 the heavenly hosts, praising God and saying , " Glory to God in the

 highest, and on Earth, peace, and good will toward men."

That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown. 

Until we meet again, my friends-

Angie

I will think about it tomorrow - for tomorrow is another day

Yes, that is a shout out to one of my favorite movies - Gone With The Wind. I enjoyed when movies like this, or The Wizard of Oz were only played once a year. That's what made them magical. Now any child can own The Wizard of Oz, which to me is a bit sad. Where are the things that were events?
It is an unfortunate commentary on what the everyday world has become.

There are parts of technology I love. I won't deny it. I have the ability to communicate with anyone anywhere at any time. If you don't have the luxury of being with your family, or if you are in a long distance relationship, technology is what keeps it all afloat. Granted, face to face is the best, but if you like to organize your thoughts for a second, then you have the ability to text or messenger. Technology gives you that chance. If you have something that is thought out, you can send an email. Sometimes, you just need to hear that person's voice. Boom - a phone call! You also have Skype (and I really should go all 21st century and learn how to use it!) for those across the country face to face moments.

Yet with all that technology, you can choose to go rogue. My suggestion? Send a card, send a letter, send something that comes from you. We used to pass notes in school. Some of us may even have a note or two left from those times. Why did you keep it? You kept it because it touched you somehow, and by keeping the note, card, whatever - you kept a piece of that person. You can keep emails, but it just isn't the same. Times are changing. What we thought was sweet or romantic, our kids may think is a bit lame. The cool part is when they don't. If you put forth the effort, you can show them that romantic is more than physical. It is the words, the actions, the sweet gestures, and the ability to make someone laugh or smile. Romance is not dead, nor is chivalry. Personal experience tells me so.

So many choices. Options abound, but is this really a good thing? More choices means more chances for error, more things to be uncertain on. Is there really a need for that many flavors of chips? Salad dressing? You name it, I am sure there are very few products in this day and age that do not have a vast selection to choose from. With the massive varieties available, do we not reach the point of overkill? What if tomorrow you woke up, and were told that you can't get your Venti Mocha Frappuccino? All that we can hope to have is coffee, with cream and sugar. Would the world cease to turn? I'm betting no.

My point? Celebrate what you have. Don't lament what you do not. Vast amounts of choices still do not guarantee that you will make the right decision. Tell people that you love them and care about them. Don't let life pass you by, waiting for the right opportunity. You create your special moments. They do not have to be at a certain time or in a certain place. It will be special because you shared something from your heart, regardless of the surroundings. Allow yourself to trust, because this is a good feeling. When you've been hurt, you tend to build that barrier between yourself and the rest of the world. Once those walls come down, you are afraid of the vulnerability. It's okay. Not everyone is going to hurt you. You are something special - don't ever forget that.


With Thanksgiving coming up rapidly, be thankful every day. Smile- pick that happy thought, and run with it. I have a lot to be thankful for. I have wonderful people in my life who embrace every bit of crazy that I possess.  Life is very good.

I will leave you with that thought. Until we meet again, my friends.

Angie

Questions to ponder, musings to have

And a lovely Monday evening to all of my friends.

Now, just so you know, I am in the process of completing a short story. This will be shared once it is complete. I hope it turns out as well as the last one I shared. A good story is a joy to behold. Gives me goosebumps!

I came across this small box of questions, called a Chat Pack. I figured, what the heck? Let's take a few out for a spin, kick the tires, and let's see if anything rattles loose. I love listening to other people's stories. I have since I was a kid. So, to make this interesting, I will share a few questions, and my answers to such. If you so desire, go ahead and address the questions in the comments section. If that makes you uncomfortable, shoot me an email. I'd love to hear from you. I'm at romanticsoul68@yahoo.com.

The first one is: What is your favorite childhood memory?

Now as I see it, I define childhood as pre-teenager. I have many great teenage memories, some which are almost fit to print (almost!).

I'd have to say that my favorite childhood memories involve my Grandma Johnson. She was a heck of a lady - everyone called her Bill. Her real name was Doris, and she hated that so much. I spent many happy summers in Franklin Grove when they lived on a farm. I played with my cousins outdoors. Ah, back in the day when kids had to use their imaginations! We had many a creative tale of pirates, or princesses, or witches. We'd built forts, or pick wild asparagus, or lie under a tree. Games involved dress up, or a deck of cards, or possibly the chickens or sheep. A treat was a frozen Flavor Ice tube, or when they went for groceries, to buy one of those flavored pops from Aldi's - mostly grape or black cherry. Grandma Bill made doll clothes, so my Barbies were always well dressed. She also made the most wonderful stuffed animals. It was a real treat to get one for your birthday, or Christmas. I remember the most incredible bunnies I got once, because Easter came right after my birthday. I also remember a bit later in life that my Grandma made a stuffed lion for a certain gentleman for his birthday (let's just say the name is recognizable, and I hope that he gets a kick out of this if he reads it). That was more for my best friend to give the boy she had a crush on. She had the most amazing talent for crosswords and cryptograms - both were always done in pen. I share a love of cryptograms to this day. Thanks, Grandma!

 She was also a fantastic cook. Her Thanksgiving dinners made you want to eat until you exploded. At Christmas, the cookies, the candy...oh my goodness! She made so many for friends and family that she actually began making the dough in late summer and freezing it. This is why I help my mom bake cookies at Christmas - it's a little piece of my grandma that I carry with me. I miss her terribly. She was my confidant, and I think I get a bit of my personality from her.

Question #2 -What is the strangest thing that has ever happened to you?

Ok, I am a bit of a believer in the unexplained. I know, it sounds ridiculous. Maybe I want to believe that there are ways to communicate with those who have passed away. There are many things that have no logical explanation. I am not a kook. I will not preach the supernatural to you. However, this one time (at band camp,..no, that's not right)...I experienced something in a delirium that I cannot give you a rational justification for to this day. I was about 12 or 13. I was very ill with the flu, and running an extremely high fever (103+). My mom was quite concerned, as I was out of my head. I was so hot, yet could not get warm. She was worried as the fever did not seem to want to break. I would talk to her, but would not make a lot of sense. At one point, I got quiet. My mom asked me if I was ok. I was told I looked at her, and said, " Mom, I'm fine. Grandma Burrows is taking care of me."
Now, bear in mind, I had never met Grandma Burrows. She was my mom's grandma, and died when my mom was little. Shortly after this revelation, my fever broke, and I relaxed. When I was coherent, my mom told me what I had said, and I had no memory of it at all. Maybe sometimes there are greater forces at work after all?

And...question #3: What do you think is your best personality trait? Your greatest talent?

I am not one to brag myself up. It is one thing to be confident, and another to have a bit of humility and modesty. To address the question though, I think the best part of my personality is how much I care. I have a great deal of empathy for people. I have been gifted with a way of seeing myself in their shoes - often able to address their wants and needs. If we are friends, you have zero doubt that I care about you, and would go out of my way to help you if asked. When I admire you, compliment you, or wish you well - I mean it.

My greatest talent?
Well, folks - you read it as often as I post. I'd say that I write well. I am not conceited about it. I love to take words and twist and turn them, making that prose take the shape it was intended to to convey the appropriate feeling or emotion. Best feeling ever? When I am able to tell a story that captures your mind. I want to make you think. I want you to become part of the tale. When I create poetry, it  comes from that place in the depths of my soul. It may be painful, or full of love, or whatever emotion, and I let that creativity loose with free reign. Do I write from personal experience? Sometimes. When I do that, the description is often vivid enough for you to actually see the words become the illustration. Someday my friends...this will be what I am remembered for.

Thanks for humoring me. Chat Pack is a fun little game. Please share your answers, via comments or email. I'd really enjoy that.

Until we meet again,

Angie

Advice to the younger me

Good morning my friends,

I was reading an article in People magazine where these celebrities were giving their younger selves advice, and that idea kind of stuck in my head. What kind of things would I tell the younger version of myself if I could go back and give some insight? It made the wheels in my brain turn.

I am exceedingly happy in my life. The choices I am currently making are rewarding, and fill me with a sense of contentment. The existential me often ponders if I had changed even one facet of my previous life, would I arrive to where I am now? There are choices I made that had consequences - one of which gave me my daughter Jess. I know that I would not want to change or give up the phenomenal person that she is. That being said, I have a few tidbits that I would have shared with teenage Angie.

1) You are amazing, just the way you are - I was constantly in pursuit of being thinner. I look back now and realize that there was absolutely nothing wrong with my figure. Pressure from the world around us at that time gave the perception that thinner is better. Not true. Toned is great, but love yourself. You are the only one with the power to change you. In order to have that physique, to accept who and what you are - you have to love yourself first.

2) Stop being so stubborn - I was set in my ways, and when I felt I was right, or being pressured to do something, I dug my heels in. At times, this meant making stupid choices and sacrificing things I cared deeply about for the sense of being right. No one has to be right all of the time. If you are told not to do something, and you get mad because you were told what to do - don't choose wrong just to prove a point. Keep your values the same as they always were. Talk to that person who gave you an ultimatum. Get past it. Let them know that you feel controlled, and maybe it will be a good conversation.

3) For the love of God, study! - High school for me was more of a regurgitation of knowledge. I was exceedingly good at looking at information, and being able to recall it by memory. I procrastinated with every paper I had to write, I thought nothing of staying up the night before it was due and cranking out a 10 page paper. I am incredibly shocked that I did have a good grade point average.  I went to college without preparation. What a rude awakening! I did horribly my first two years at college. I finally learned how to study, but the effects were far reaching.

4) Abuse can be BOTH physical and mental - It is NEVER ok for you to be abused by physical or mental violence. If a guy lays his hands on you in anger - even one time is far, far too many. Belittling you, making you feel small, saying mean things (too fat, too dumb - to list a few) - mental abuse is sometimes even worse than being hit. You are not crazy. Don't let him make you think you are. If any of you have been hit or made to feel like garbage - get out. It is not worth it. It is not going to stop after one instance. I finally did run, but I should have much, much sooner.

5) Stop and smell the roses - Appreciate the world around you. Don't focus so hard that everything passes you by. Life is amazing. Find that person that completes you. Don't settle. Don't let life become monotonous.

6) There is more to life than TV and couch potatodom - I love a good television show, but I have now learned that losing yourself in a world of sitcoms or movies is not helping you face your problems. Go out there. Grasp the brass ring. You may find that reading, listening to lectures, or pursuing your passions is far more rewarding.

7) Make every day count - Don't live with a regret. Each day is someone's last day. You need to be sure that those around you know how you feel. Take that risk. Tell someone you love them. Find your passion. Discover why you are the way you are, and why you do the things you do. You'll find that happiness is contagious.

I think 16 year old Angie needed to hear all of those things. I know present day Angie is aware of all of those and other things a hundred times over. I am in the next chapter of my life, and this book is becoming quite captivating. Let's read on.


Until next time,
Angie French

Feelings – Wait...I have those?

Gotta keep those lovin’ good vibrations a happenin’-a la the Beach Boys?

Or is it more  -It’s such a good vibration, It’s such a sweet sensation…come on, come on…feel it, feel it…Feel the vibration- a la Marky Mark?

I tease, of course. Yes, I feel things. Yes, I have emotions. They range from awe and wonder, like a small child discovering things for the first time, to passionate and heartfelt. It’s only within the past few months that those emotions have come to the surface, and I have allowed them out again. I had been so guarded before that I kind of shut all of that deep feeling up inside. When you perceive yourself to be small, to let someone know they can hurt you takes away even the slightest shred of dignity. You become a “yes” person. Whatever they say, whatever they want- you go along with it because that’s how to avoid conflict. If you show emotion, you give that person power over you. When you are alone though, you can let that emotion out. I am not ashamed to tell you that I cried many times with frustration, anger, hurt, and pain in my marriage. A healthy, caring relationship would have allowed give and take, and discussion of such unhappiness. That being said, as you can guess, it did not happen.

I had become the master of avoiding real conflict. Being the child of divorced parents, conflict in my mind was the bad thing – it was the thing that caused marriages to end. Even though the rational me knew the only way to communicate unhappiness was to talk about it, the fear had overtaken me. I’m not saying that in marriage #1 or marriage #2 that if I had communicated better, things would have been better. I don’t know that. I do know that it would have been the healthier way for me to approach things. Lack of communication sadly was only one of the factors leading to the breakdown.

No matter what - never, ever lose your sense of self. Each of us has our flaws. Our flaws are what make us who we are, not our perfections. Do not let someone change who you are at your core. It is the person that allows you to be yourself - someone who opens your possibilities instead of trying to control you – who is worth your time.

I know that a healthy relationship is give and take. It is not one person calling all the shots. It is allowing both parties to have an opinion. Sometimes you may disagree. That’s ok. If you disagree, talk about it. Don’t stubbornly dig your heels in and refuse to see it any other way. In other words, don’t be a child. It’s ok to argue, but remember, the best way is to stop, ponder, and see if you can see the issue from the other person’s point of view. Take into consideration the other person’s feelings. Some people have an obsessive need to be right. Probably not the way to approach your problems.

I am far from being an emotions/relationship expert. I have learned and grown. I enjoy not knowing everything, exploring little by little, and seeing what happens. I know compromise is important, as well as communication. It helps to have fun with the other person. Show them that you care. Even the smallest gesture at the appropriate time can have a huge impact. Sometimes, the gift of their time is a giant indicator of how much they care, especially when time is a precious commodity.

So these “feelings” I speak of? Feelings are so many things – intense, powerful, comforting, freeing, caring, amazing – I could go on and on. To be alive is to have feelings. That, my friends, is how you find this girl. I am alive, I am happy, and I am who I am meant to be. This girl – well, she is fabulous. Show your feelings. Allow yourself to be a bit vulnerable and step out of that comfort zone. I guarantee it will pay off in spades – maybe not today, or even tomorrow – but every day remember today is what we make it to be. Imagine the potential!

Until we meet again,

Angie

Riding the confidence wave

Another Tuesday, another fabulously fantastic day to be alive. My world is not perfect, but it's damn good.

I enjoy waking up each and every day.  I still occasionally have moments of self doubt, but they are not nearly as prevalent as they once were. I remember the sheer rapture I experience in learning new things. I have been guided to some excellent sources to make this happen. I am enthralled with new information. I am listening to podcasts about history, lectures about various topics, and expanding my mind with new fiction - yes, there are books that I have not read. Thank you, Duffy. What a difference you have made in my world - in so many ways. Life is definitely good.

I am excited to report my talented, fabulously beautiful, and slightly twisted daughter will be here in 16 days. She is bringing her boyfriend, who I also enjoy immensely. Jess will be here for her friend Jamie's wedding, as she is in the wedding. It will be a busy weekend ( anyone looking to see Jess needs to remember this !), but I'm the momma, so I rate. I am planning on having her bring me to work on Friday, so that I may show her off. I can't brag on her enough. Just a little proud. Just saying.

So, that's where my life is right now. I feel cared about every day. I wouldn't trade it for anything. The sky's the limit!

For all of my friends and family - I love that you enjoy my Sunday adventures. I want you all to know that I enjoy sharing them with you. I also want you to know that I am very careful when I go. Thank you for being concerned.

Please enjoy one another. Live each day to its full capacities. When you think about your hopes and dreams, let yourself be happy. Smile - it looks gorgeous on you.

Until we meet again,
Angie

Painful then, lesson learned now

It's Sunday morning, and I had a desire to read over some of my writing. I hadn't necessarily forgotten this poem, as I remember the point that I wrote it quite well. The thing that I did not remember is the power of the emotions I let out when I created it. I poured every ounce of pain and hurt that I was feeling into this poem. I have shared this with a precious few people after I wrote it. Going back and rereading it, I decided it is something that I am ready to share publicly. I'm not this person anymore. My hopes in sharing it is that if someone else is struggling with where they are at in a relationship, that this will give you the strength and inspiration to walk away.

I thank each and every one of my friends for the outpouring of love and support you gave to me at a time when I needed it the most. I wish to extend special thanks to my mom - I love you. Also special thanks to Duffy Thomas, Jess Wiegert, Rachel Schmitt,and Robin Hinerichsen - each of you contributed greatly to helping me see who I really am. It's a debt I can never truly repay.

Casting eyes downward,

She avoids the gaze of others.

Questions she is not ready for,

She draws the strength inside her,

Making painful decisions.

A bag of her belongings on the floor,

She is on the run again,

Alone in her car.

A sanctuary where she escapes

A place that has no judgment.

She has become skilled at hiding,

Makeup camouflages her shame.

Outwardly, she appears unscathed

Hardly a flaw shows.

Inside, her soul is shattered.

No one knows or suspects

The control executed.

She becomes a child without opinion,

Without value.

She feels very small.

Looking in the mirror,

When did it happen?

She can be beautiful and vivacious,

Yet this part has been stolen,

Invisibility and worthlessness remain.

Her true nature screams inside,

Pushing, clawing, seething,

Reminding her that she is worth it.

She must break free,

End the cycle.

It has been too long

Since she felt pretty,

Since she was desired,

Since intimacy played a role.

She is merely subservient.

He makes her decisions,

He allows no compromise,

Expecting a slave from their union,

Friends cease to exist,

He exerts total control.

She knows this must end,

Living this way is insane,

But the fear is just below the surface.

It can explode at a moment’s notice,

And claim her in the fallout.

Run.

You have the power.

You have the strength.

You are more than this,

And you are worth it.

 I hope each of you are always the person you were meant to be.

Until next time,

Angie French

A Texas Girl in the Big City (aka Angie Marie gone wild)

I alluded to the fact in the last blog selection that an adventure was coming. Well, it most certainly was. I went from Chicago to Newark to Boston just via flight, then added other places after that, eventually winding up in New York City. Now, know this about me – I have a very limited realm of travelling experience. My furthest trips anywhere (other than where I was born, or where we went when I was small and my dad was in the army) are Las Vegas, Reno, and Orlando. Las Vegas and Reno were necessity – my daughter and my aunt lived in those places. Orlando was vacation, and I went once when I was young, and once when my daughter was young. This trip for me was pure adventure, through and through.

I do find airports fascinating, which is in complete contrast to many folks, I’m sure. Why you ask? It’s not the shops, the food, or – dear God – the restrooms. I find airports fascinating for the people you find there. I am a people watcher, born and bred. I see so many stories at an airport terminal. I see young love, loss, joyous reunions, painful separations, business travelers, people looking for something, people escaping something – stories to fill multiple books, possibly libraries. I can amuse myself at an airport – not an issue. I landed in Newark, and other than going from one gate to another in a cross country trek, it was just a chance for observation as usual. Many business travelers, many impatient folks waiting to board their planes – I got to see it all.

I arrived in Boston, and met my companion, and off we went seeking adventure. Now I will tell you that he enjoys adventure as much as I do – probably more. We both share a love of history and literature. I was taken to the Old North Bridge for exploration, which my history geek was digging on hard. Give me a piece of history, and I will show you a gal who can’t get enough of it. I am someone who sees a picture in a magazine, or hears of a battle on television, or sees a brief excerpt in a book she is reading, and I immediately have to go to Google or Wikipedia to learn more. My mind was spinning as we read the information about the history of the place. Ah, education!

From here, a suggestion was made to see if I wanted to go to Walden Pond. Bliss! Rapture! The writer in me was doing her happy dance, as I agreed wholeheartedly to go. Such an inspiring place. I could have stared out over the water for hours. Not only was the place inspirational - the company was fabulous, and I felt content and special.

My weekend adventure was filled with many moments like the above. I will share some of my experience, but also want to keep part of them to myself. Call me selfish. My amiable companion and I shared something pretty amazing, and as much as I’d like to shout all of it from the rooftops, I prefer to keep a piece between just the two of us. Hate to disappoint, but I think you all should understand that.

The sight of New York City filled me with extreme wonderment. I think my jaw dropped upon first sight, and my mouth remained open until we left. To describe it, I need many words. Colossal. Monumental. Bewitching. For my highbrow writer friends – pulchritudinous. Simply put, this is the most impressive place I have ever been. It’s different from Las Vegas, which is also a mecca for international people watching, but in such an incomparable way. Street carts with food, a place to buy knock offs on many a corner – what an incredible adventure. I thank my companion for a mind expanding experience.

My companion experienced a bucket list moment with a dinner for the two of us at Gordon Ramsay at the London. I now know that my table etiquette needs a tad bit of polish. I am not some Ellie Mae sitting at the table, mind you. However, this is BY FAR the fanciest place I have ever eaten at. There were times that I was quite self-conscious, but the fact that I thought people were staring at me was exaggerated in my mind. Superb food, sublime atmosphere, unbelievably unique time – what a rush! I can’t believe that I got to be part of this unbelievable exploit, and I feel truly special.

Everything was perfect. I am hard pressed to come up with a more exceptional vacation. I became part of sophistication, grace, and complexity once again. My education can come out and play, after being dormant for so long, chained away in the deepest darkest dungeon.

I could rhapsodize on my exemplary time for hours, but I won’t. You will just have to connect the dots, and put those puzzle pieces together on your own. I will talk to you all again soon.

Until we meet again,

Angie French

What's that? A story? Who'd have thought?

Good afternoon to all of my friends.

I told you before that I was working on a short story. I have finished it, and am ready to give you the world premier of it. I wanted something a little different this week, as in the next week, I will be off on adventure. I'm sure I will have a bit of adventure to share with you in my next post. In the meantime, I hope you enjoy this:

The Crow

The field lay before her, miles of cornstalks waiving in the breeze. They almost taunted, teasing with the yellow tips of tassels that glimmer and shine in the rays of sunlight. The road before her was a simple, worn path with nothing remarkable about it. She walked, as she had been doing for miles and miles, completely alone. How she had gotten here, and where she was headed – these are things she really wished she knew. Something in her brain was nagging, whispering messages that were almost gibberish. The temperature was seasonable – that much she was certain of. It felt like late summer or early fall, as there was a bit of a chill in the air, but not cold enough for a jacket. Questions loomed as to where she even was, but she could not shake the fog in her addled brain.

As she continued her perplexing journey, the sun overhead gave the indication that it was nearly noon. She instinctively knew that the journey had begun near dawn. She had no idea why, but she felt if she kept moving, eventually this would all make sense somehow. As she struggled for clarity, overhead she saw a large shadow approaching. Her body went into fight or flight mode, as she crouched down, trying to make herself seem minuscule. The ominous shadow continued to get closer, and the outline became wings. It appeared to be a large crow– far larger than any she had ever seen. It gradually began its descent, and settled gently down a mere 15 feet from where she was trying to avoid detection. It cocked its head as it seemed to study her, looking at the fear in her eyes. She wanted to run, but something kept her in that spot. The crow inched closer to her as it seemed to sink into her very soul looking into her eyes. She was paralyzed. The crow continued to fixate on her eyes, and she knew that she had to move. Summoning all of her inner strength, she slowly rose – maintaining a visual connection with crow while she backed away. The crow cocked its head as she backed away, almost as if it were trying to process why she would leave.

She had inched away quietly and at a snail’s pace, but was finally far away from the inquisitive eyes of the crow. She felt an urge to run, but yet each time she glanced behind her, the crow was nowhere to be seen. She began to question: Was the crow real, or just a figment in my damaged brain? All she knew for sure was what she could feel internally – that she must keep moving. The fields continued on for what seemed like an eternity. She actually could not see an end to the corn, just miles and miles of tassels. Then it happened. Her isolated silence was interrupted when a man stepped out of the cornfield.

He looked to be just an ordinary man – about 5 foot 10, brown hair, average build. Yet something about his eyes is what struck her. His eyes were a deep swirling blue, and as you looked into them, you felt completely tranquil. It was if the mere act of glancing at this man took away all of your cares and worries. How odd. He walked towards her, and she did not fear him, as she had feared the crow. He was quite handsome in a unique way. The silence shattered as he spoke.

“Kara, do you know where you are?” the blue eyed man asked calmly. She let that roll around in her mind before she thought of a response. She took the name first – Kara – and tried to imagine that this was indeed her name. She was still so foggy on all of it. She attempted to speak, but it was as if the words would not come, no matter how much she forced them to. The man looked at her, and said again, “Kara, I am asking if you know where you are. Are you trying to answer?” She was looking deep into his eyes, trying to convey her struggle to speak. He then took her hand, and said, “It’s ok. I know this is all very confusing for you. Please take your time. I am not going anywhere. I am here to help you.” Slowly, they began to walk together down the unending path. She glanced at him from time to time, but his focus seemed to be strictly to walk forward, holding her hand. If she wobbled at all, his arm steadied her, and guided her along the way.

When he broke the silence, she knew something bigger was in play. The skies above, which had been an overcast dull unremarkable grey was now beginning to become clear with big white cotton candy clouds. She heard a screech behind them, and turned. There was the crow, still staring her down – and now following them both. The man paid the crow no mind – it was almost as if he did not see the large bird. She tried to ignore the crow, but this time, it was no longer silent and merely staring. It began to screech, and inch ever closer to her. She clutched the man’s arm tightly, and he spoke, “Kara? What’s wrong? Can you hear me?” The crow became more menacing by the moment, and she found herself once again overcome with fear. The skies clouded over again, and there was a huge crack of lightening. She was scared of storms, but it also appeared that the more intense the lightning got, the crow did not like it either. She could hear the thunder, but it sounded like a bunch of garbled conversation. The louder the thunder, the more agitated the large crow became. The third lightning strike forced the crow to fly. She breathed a huge sigh of relief.

During the whole interlude with the crow, the man had clutched her arm tightly – he apparently did not see the crow, but sensed her agitation and distress. She was immensely grateful for this. The tightening in her chest was starting to subside a bit. The breathing was less labored, and she looked into the man’s eyes once more. The shining blue pools calmed her, and she felt at ease again. She looked off to the right, and out of the corn, another person arrived. This was a small child – a little boy. The boy looked familiar, but she could not place him. His face was so cherubic and tranquil that it instantly put her at ease – in the same way that the man’s eyes did. The young boy looked at her, and raised his finger to his lips in a shushing manner.

She understood. It was a secret that the little boy was here. She sat down, the man looking at her, not understanding why she needed to sit. “Kara? I need you to focus on me. Come on Kara. You can stay with me.”

The small boy opened his mouth and revealed the secret. “Mama?” a shy little voice rang out. He walked to her and held his little hand up to hers. “Mama, will you stay with me? I’ve missed you so much,” the little boy said to her. Mama? Why did that feel right? Where did the little boy want her to go? The man seemed to sense her confusion, and gently stroked her left arm. He reached out and touched her face. “Kara, I love you. I am right here. I won’t leave you,” the man said to her. Her mind was telling her that the man was someone important too. The child and the man – what was happening? Yet the idea of being the child’s mom seemed right. She felt a connection to the child. She stooped down, and looked into the small boy’s eyes. The eyes she looked into were the same as the eyes of the man.

Her arms reached out, and she took the small boy into her arms, and instinctively said, “Mama loves you very much…Jamie. I am not going to leave you.” She felt her body relax, and it was instantly easier to carry Jamie, the little boy. She turned and squeezed the man’s arm. Her mind called him Kyle, and she knew that she loved him too. He started to call her name “Kara! Kara! Please don’t leave me. I will be all alone. I can’t lose you both!” His voice was intense at first, but then slowly began to fade. She carried Jamie across the road, and was able to see a light amidst the corn. It felt as though they were both floating. The light was their destination, and she carried Jamie the entire way until the light warmed them both, and welcomed them into a place of comfort.

Kyle was at Kara’s bedside and knew that it was over. The accident, which had first taken the life of their son, Jamie – now was going to take Kara’s light as well. He wept bitterly, but he looked up at the window. There was the largest crow he had ever seen, and it was staring at him. In its beak was Kara’s locket, and in the locket was a picture of Jamie. The crow carefully laid the locket on the window sill, and flew away.

Until we meet again, my friends.

Angie French (I never get tired of typing that!)

              

Still part of the learning curve

So, today I am a week removed from being married. How do I feel?

I feel great, of course. In retrospect, I had detached myself long before I made the decision to leave. There was nothing, and I was treated like I was nothing. Not an esteem booster, which led to the struggle.

What struggle, you ask? The one that is always there in everyone - am I good enough, pretty enough, strong enough...basically, am I worth it? My answer is a resounding yes. I am passionate. I may take flights of fancy from time to time. I can be crazy, stubborn, and unreasonable. I am the girl you would like to kiss or choke. I have beautiful curves. I have a sense of unique style. My humor is one of my more fabulous qualities. I am enigmatic. I have a sharp mind. I love unconditionally. I have multitudes of intellectual curiosity.
Now I am able to add that I am independent. Take a good look, world! Hear me roar.

That being said, it's strange to me how complicated some things have to be. My experience with getting cable/internet is a prime example. I called the cable company, did everything over the phone (so I thought), and had everything shipped to me for a self install. I am a direction follower, I can do this! Fast forward a few days and the box has arrived. Great! I pull out the instructions, and I am off running. Hooking up the television...super simple. Took less than 30 minutes. The internet installaton however...what the hell? On paper, looks simple - plug in, turn on, go online, register - so why can't I make this work? I even went to my go to...aka my daughter. She finally even said, " Well Mom, I think you are going to have to call them." So it looks like I will be spending some quality time with the techies at Comcast this week.

Back to the part where I did everything over the phone. I was told once the equipment came, I would have a prepaid label to send back the converter boxes from the house. This meant I had to have little to no contact with the ex. Score! A few days later, I get a call from the ex (oh joy!). He is calling to inform me that I have to go to the Comcast office and sign off the account. By the way, I will have to go on Saturday morning  Am I lucky or what?

Simple is overrated anyway. The more you have to work for something, the more rewarding it is to you in the end. Every time I get overwhelmed, I remind myself of this. I am learning every day. I willingly take on new experiences, whereas before I was reluctant to do so. I am learning to make adventure out of my life. I am past the point where I am worried about what some people may think. Case in point...lately have been singing and even car dancing, and I am well aware people are looking at me. Take me as I am. A little crazy makes for a lot of fun!

More next time.

Until we meet again, my friends.

Angie French

Can smiling too much break your face?

Can't say that I have been in a position to find the answer in a very long time. Divorce is done, good things lie ahead in many forms...smiling is the sugar on top. I wake up and think that each day cannot top the last, but quite often it does.

I am embracing the positive. The negative is not worth a second thought. To those who insist on seeing merely negative...I say why? Life is a gift. Being happy fills you with a wonderful feeling from head to toe. As bad as you perceive your problems to be, someone else has it worse. I guarantee it. I look in the mirror, and happy makes my eyes shine snd skin glow. I have the self confidence that I had when I was a teenager again. So many factors contribute to this.

When I made the decision to leave, it was like a giant weight lifted from my body. The depression was gone in about a week, and I have not looked back.

Onward to bigger, better things. Excelsior!

I am working on a story to share. Once it is complete, I will put it out here. Feedback is a good thing. That's how a writer learns and grows. Something else I love is when you create a piece of poetry or prose for someone special. It conveys emotions that maybe are scary, or you are nervous about saying aloud. For me, I am at my most intimate and vulnerable when giving someone a letter or something I have created. I put all my passion into what I write. It's a gateway down into my soul. That's what I think of when I consider the great writers. I'm not saying that I am a great writer, but I aspire to be.

That's all for today, my friends.

Until we meet again,
Angie

7..6..5..4..3..2..1..Finally :)

Good day everyone,

The title is in reference to my divorce. We are just a mere week out from court. I say finally and some of you probably think - well, actually it was quite quick (side note- using 2 Q words together is fun!). For those who have a greater appreciation of the big picture, you know this has been a long time coming.

I am filled with optimism, as this is a lowly stepping stone to what I hope will be some of the best times of my life. At this stage, I enjoy things more. I love discovering who and what I am. I don't have to know what will happen today, tomorrow, next week, next month, or next year. I can live in the now. I can be who I want to be. I can treasure time with all the special people in my life, and realize that it is OK if I don't see them all the time. It doesn't lessen my feelings for them, or their feelings for me.
1 mature adult...coming right up!

On a different subject, let's talk about what is making me happy today. It is also a subject I can discuss at length for hours. The subject you ask? Of course it is my fantastic, fabulous, awesome - and every other synonym for wonderful that you can think of- daughter Jess. She is going to training for her new job. Lucky girl - she is going to coffee school (at least that's what I call it). Today they were sampling, and I was very envious. I know that she can do anything she sets her mind to. I have watched this amazing child grow into an adult, and maturity looks good on her. I also think that someone hit her with the pretty stick. That is something that is hers alone. I may be cute, but she is truly beautiful. If there is a person who is like me in the world, it is her. Poor child...we share the same sense of twisted humor. I love her so much. So I am proud of her...new job, new start.

I'm sure if I was not tired, I would have much more to say. Next time. Wish me luck. This time next week, I will be Angie French once more and single again.

Until we meet again-
Angie

Bloggy blog blog...

Bloggy blog blog...

Fabulous Monday morning. It is more than I could ever ask for to wake up at the beginning of a new week and see opportunity and adventure instead of routine and humdrum boredom. I am even waking in the morning before my alarm goes off AND with a smile on my face. Amazing!

I plan on a great week to be culminated with a spectacular weekend. I really think I must have captured a leprechaun with all the good things and people in my life. My favorite thing is that I always feel like smiling - and I feel pretty.

So, if you find yourself in need of a smile, come see me. I can be cranky from time to time (just ask my mom!), but the more distance I get from my marriage, the better I feel.

I know that I need to sit with my creative juices flowing and work on a few things. I have poetry and a story in the works, and I will share them with you as I finish.

Until next time-
Angie

Saturday Mornings are for sleeping?

08/02/2014
Good Morning one and all (and yes, it is early Saturday morning).

I somehow managed to sleep a grand total of 3 and a half hours, and lo and behold... I am awake!
I am not just the "let me roll over and think about it" kind of awake. It's the full blown "seriously, what the hell?" kind of awake. Insomnia- it's not just for stress anymore.

I remember the days that I could sleep and sleep, and I woke up feeling refreshed. Even better, I remember those days as a teenager that you woke up around noon, but you had all of those plans that usually carried you into the wee hours of the morning. To quote All in the Family - "Those Were the Days". Life has changed. Sleep begins to change as you get older - at least in my experience, it may be different for others. I find myself at a crossroads. Sleep and I have this love/hate relationship. I have days that I am tired and I can close my eyes and sleep feels like a warm blanket - gently pulling me in, holding me close, and filling my head and body with total relaxation. Other days,trying to sleep is like being a sugar-addled child. You trust that the child will eventually calm itself down, and rest or collapse; yet hours later, the gigantic rush of sugar still courses in your veins. Sleep then teases and taunts. You look at your alarm clock and think, "If I go to sleep now, I will get X amount of sleep." This goes on, sometimes until that alarm clock goes off. Thus your fabulous (not), totally refreshed (really?), unbelievably calm (oh my god) day begins. Isn't it great to be an adult?

So here I am - wide awake. What to do?
I COULD go through the unbelievable amount of stuff that I have been pulling from the house to my new apartment and decide what stays and what goes. But really? At 4:30 am, does this sound like the obvious choice? I could also attempt to go back to sleep - which is a mute point, since I have begun to consume coffee. I am considering a book and a little music. I don't know, but I am thinking I MAY have a book around here to read. For those who know me well, or read my Facebook page...quit your damn laughing already. I have a thing for books. It's the knowledge in general, but I enjoy all aspects and types of literature. I still have all of my German textbooks from college. Can I still read them? Well...sometimes. College dollars at work...German was my minor, which is endlessly amusing to me now. My daughter came home in high school, and asked me for help with her homework when she took German. It was kind of an epic fail on my part.

Yet, I digress. I am still pondering my early morning fate. It is not light outside yet, so a walk is out of the question. I can't ride my stationary bike, because I will wake the neighbors. The cat is looking at me with extreme amounts of attitude. I don't blame her. I don't want to be awake, but sleep is eluding me once again.
So, here I am. I have pretty much determined that reading is going to be the best course of action, now comes the other thing. I am often in the midst of 2 or 3 stories at once. Some say that this is confusing - well, only if you let it be. I have a story for every mood, a literary companion for my ever changing mind. It's just that I like to have a group of companions all at once. 

I think I am going old school this morning, and will continue my quest to reread "The Stand". This is one of my favorite Stephen King novels. It's apocalyptic stuff, good versus evil - always a good read. I may mix it up with my guilty pleasure magazine  - "Cosmopolitan"....shhhh, that's our little secret. I enjoy all the articles, and no, I am not just reading it for the ones that talk about sex. Jeez. You guys are a bunch of pervs. Really? Get your mind out of the gutter.

So, that's where I am at 4:54 am on a Saturday morning. Living La Vida Loca. Don't you wish you were me? 

Until we meet again, my friends-
Angie 

Inaugural view of my twisted little mind

7/28/ 14

Yeah, OK. I've decided that a blog may be the creative outlet I need. Things are great, don't get me wrong, but I have this nagging feeling that something is missing. I think it's the fancy...I love to tell stories, share my opinions, and be creative. That's been lacking.

I have no desire to conform to the status quo. I am internally a rebel, through and through. I found me again. I am totally worth the time and effort. I may not be the most beautiful, the thinnest, I may say things that are inappropriate, or I may not talk at all...but inside, where it counts the most, my mind is whirling a million miles an hour. I have a slightly sarcastic sense of humor, but I make every attempt to take things in stride. This is who I am. I embrace everyone with a great deal of love and compassion. If I really care about you, I am there for you tenfold...good or bad. If you choose to be with me, be prepared for the ride of your life.

Enough on the praises of Angie -

I am an apartment owner, hear me roar! Scared? A little bit. Prepared for the newest challenge that life has to offer? Well, hell yes! I am looking forward to life on my own, feeling my way, and proving to myself that I can do this. Divorce - not so scary. I have needed/wanted to get out of my marriage for a while now. I won't go into life's gory little details, but suffice to say, I am better off. I know that there are things out there that are exciting, and people who care, and those who make me feel like I matter in this world. I say - bring it on. I want to experience those feelings that were swept under the rug. I want to live the passion that I know is in me. It feels like the very first time that I ever had the nerve to dance in public. I was TERRIFIED, but once I started, something in me that I wasn't even aware was there broke loose. I came alive. After that point, dance was a freeing experience. I still dance to this day, especially when I am needing to release very powerful emotions. Think Kevin Bacon without the coolness factor...lol. 

Same can be said about me and writing. Emotions inside have to come out, otherwise you explode internally (and this is NOT a good thing, trust me). So my audience, you will get to hear my highs and lows, and my soapbox stands on certain matters. I will try to share at least one post a week, unless I am feeling particularly sassy - then there could be more.

Until we meet again, my friends-

Angie