2017.
A year of good mixed with bad. At the start, it found me putting the pieces back together from crippling depression. Months of not feeling good enough for anyone or anything. My saving grace was friends who cared and supported me. I met new people. I returned to something I have always loved - the ability to write. I had been blogging for a long time, but this was revisiting writing stories and poetry. This was the ability to learn in the company of others who are supportive and forthcoming with critique.
I have now dived into 2018. Still medical issues. I feel good at times, but the exhaustion can overtake me in a minute. We have ruled out some pretty big things - lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, any other anti immune diseases - so what now?
Next up, colonoscopy. Can I say I am less than fucking excited for this? One friend did tell me it’s going to be more action than they saw last year, so I guess that’s a plus. I still battle depression. I know those people who come up to you and say, “Oh cheer up! Smile.” are meant to make you feel better. Christ, I do it myself. But the god’s honest truth? It’s not something that just “goes away”. Major depression is real, it’s fucked up, and can strike unexpectedly at any given moment. It’s caused by many things both physical and psychological. Some people never get better. I am better, but I always know it lurks right underneath my conscious being, and can be randomly set off by the stupidest things. When it happens, I can lay in bed or on the couch for days.
Where do we go from here? I am living life, one day at a time. I have great days, I have awful days - not gonna change. Am I lonely? Sometimes I am. Not really wanting to delve into romantic feelings right now. I have to believe that I will get there when it’s time.
For now, I may be quiet on the blogging front, but know it is because I am fighting my own personal battles. Thanks for those who support and care about me.
Until we meet again,
Angie
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