The Yin Yang principle

Good evening,

This will be my last post of 2015. It's been a year of ups and downs, mostly good. So many wonderful adventures that I have shared with all of you, my opinions, my hopes and dreams - honestly, I am surprised that you still read my posts.

I am still trying to figure out my place. I have things I want to believe, dreams that I hope will come true. I am seeking enlightenment. Everything good or bad that has happened in my life has done just that - happened. It is great to have wonderful memories and experiences. I also realize that life is going to happen. You can dwell on the negative, rejoice in the positive, but all in all, it goes on. You can't apologize your life away, nor can you cry it away. Yes, some things hurt. Nothing is perfect. Just hope that the positive moments outweigh the negative. I am toying with new philosophies in life,

On that note, I am sharing poetry as my last post. I hope you like it. Here's to 2016.

Up in her ivory tower she sat,

Surveying the world.

Melancholy had become commonplace,

She longed for peace.

Her mind whirled a mile a minute,

She wanted to silence the hurt.

Wishing for it to go away,

To feel nothing.

In the calm of a moment,

Her thoughts washed clean.

She relied too much on the beliefs of others,

Her timetable was her own.

Shedding the expectations,

Releasing the anxiety,

Her heart suffered less.

She still wants,

But doesn’t make herself crazy anymore.

She deserves more,

Earns respect.

She is beautiful,

Even if no one tells her so.

She is compassionate,

And helps others first.

She is adventurous,

Always seeking something new.

She is intelligent,

Her wit a challenge.

Her mind is full,

Fighting to survive.

Above all,

She is determined.

She does not give up.

Life doesn’t come easily,

But she is resolute.

Her desires will happen,

She just has to stand tough.

Until we meet again, my friends.

Angie

Santa's Coming! I know him!

Good afternoon on Christmas to one and all.

It's a difficult thing to feel like Christmas with no snow and having it be warm outside. Quite the struggle. Little pieces of Christmas are coming to me today.

I am watching"While You Were Sleeping." There is a scene at the beginning of the movie where Lucy (Sandra Bullock) is mistaken for the fiancee of the man she saves. Peter (Peter Gallagher) is in a coma, so he can't confirm or deny this, and Peter's family insists she celebrate Christmas with them.
She is sitting there, holding a gift, looking at this family activity going on at this Christmas gathering with a rapt look of joy on her face. Lucy has no family. The look on her face and the feeling it gave me reminded me of spending Christmas with the Thomas family last year. If it could have been captured, I think that may have been a look on my face at one point of the day. Special.

Last night, I had Christmas Eve with my dad and my step mom. We aren't big on Christmas, we don't do the whole fancy Christmas dinner (we had tacos), but it felt good. I posted pictures on Facebook of me with each of them. It felt like something I needed to do. I love them very much.

I got a lovely Christmas greeting via Messenger from my friend Melissa. At that moment, I think someone sensed I needed it. Melissa, your timing was better than you know. Thank you.

Many greetings from friends and family, loved ones near and far. You all give me a piece of Christmas cheer. Reminded of my favorite line in "It's A Wonderful Life" - No man is a failure who has friends. I like to think that, like George Bailey, I have touched all of your lives in a good way.

Little things make me cry. The scene where everyone sings in "Elf", the moment that Sheldon hugs Penny in "Big Bang", listening to Faith Hill sing "Where are you,Christmas?" the moment that the Grinch's heart grew 3 sizes that day, the cane in the corner in "Miracle on 34th Street" - all teary eyed moments for me. I am richer for my emotions, even though at times it feels like my emotions get the best of me.

Getting through Christmas the best I can. I have one more holiday to get through, then on to 2016. I hope 2016 is the year that enhances my life. I want a few things to happen, and I am going to do everything in my power to make it so. Just let me be tough enough to make it there.

Until we meet again,
Angie

The Snow Doesn't Give a Soft White Damn Whom It Touches

I felt a lot like Lorelei Gilmore this morning. As I took my walk at RVC, I could smell snow in the air. Silly concept, but dead on today.

We are experiencing the first snowfall of the year. People are being overly dramatic as to the amounts, which is said to be 6-10 inches by the time it is all said and done. So what? We live in the Midwest, kids. Snow is a given. Please learn how to drive in this. Don’t be a fool.

I have this giddy feeling inside with the snow. Driving home from the store was the best kind of beautiful. I think when you drive and the snow is coming at you, creating kind of a magical vision, it is an amazing thing. I also stood outside, watching the flakes fall around me, smiling at the whiteness enveloping my hair. Snow is something magnificent. I hope it covers every piece of ugliness out there, coating the ground with something pure. A clean slate, if you will.

I am snuggled up in my apartment, watching the snow fall out the patio door. The trees are already beginning to coat with their first fleece blanket of the year. I am looking forward to going out tomorrow and taking the first snowy pictures of the season. Last year, I went to Rock Cut, and the pictures I took made me smile.

Some facts I know about snow? How about this one: Snow is actually not white. The complex structure of snow crystals results in tiny surfaces from which light is reflected. What little sunlight is absorbed by snow is absorbed uniformly over the wavelengths of visible light, which gives snow its white appearance. Incredible, isn’t it? How about all snowflakes have 6 sides?

We can ski, sled, walk on snowshoes, ice skate, make snow angels, snowball fights….

We can be indoors with hot chocolate, hot toddies, hot apple cider, bake cookies, sit by the fireplace…

We can wear those warm snuggly sweaters, curl up with a blankie and a good book…

Hoodies, gloves, hats, winter coats with the Eskimo fur hoods…

If we are lucky, there might be someone to snuggle with.

Nothing, NOTHING is more magical that Christmas snow.

So, embrace it. Don’t hate it. Part of the four seasons. We must have snow for the rebirth of everything else. If you hate it, move. I choose to give snow a chance. I want to let out the little kid with the goofy grin and let her run free in it, coming in with wet mittens, and rosy cheeks.

 Until we meet again,

 Angie 

Watching the Leaves of Life Fall

Good evening all.

A little visit back to my roots - poetry. I hope you enjoy.

Colors engage my eyes,

Crisp air tickles my nose.

The aroma of apples tempts,

Pumpkin envelops all.

The cycle of life continues.

Beauty in change,                  

Holding the promise of rebirth.

Embracing the future,

Growing from the past.

Curling up

Knees to chest

Eyes closed.

Envisioning potential,

Bursting forth from neglect.

The little girl hides.

The grown up woman shows.

Little girl keeps the fears,

Knees to chest.

The woman shines.

She believes.

She dreams.

She loves.

Head up,little girl -

Hurt goes nowhere.

Fill the void.

There are words,

Thoughts,

Dreams.

Life is miraculous.

Come on, little girl-

Take my hand

I want to show you the world.

Shall we explore?

Little girl-

The grown woman wants to hug you,

To dry your tears.

The little girl keeps the questions

The grown woman is afraid to ask.

How will it end?

Only time will tell.

Until we meet again,

Angie

Peter Pan Syndrome

It’s been a while. I think it’s like riding a bike – I’ll just climb back on and go like hell.

My last post came from a difficult time. I lost a dear friend, and it shook me to my core. I wanted to shut off so I didn’t hurt. Actually, I had done that one other time in my life. At least with Robin, I knew it was coming. With Debbie, she just had a heart attack, and died. I turned off emotionally for a long time. I just didn’t care. It was way easier just not to deal, not to feel, not to care. I was completely numb. I didn’t realize it for a while. Finally, I broke through that shell – just in time to experience all the pain of my first marriage ending. Swell.

Fortunately, I recognize those parts now. Instead of shutting down, I pushed through. Now my mind is focused elsewhere. The title? I think maybe it’s time to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I don’t know that the “growing up” part is going to happen, but wanting to know what I can see myself doing with my life – that’s a big one. The desire to learn and grow has always been there for me. I am not one to sit still and just do a mind-numbing job for eternity.

 I have a good job. This is not said as a slam on my current employer, or my current position. It’s an extension of the explorer within me. Where can I go? What can I do? What limitations do I possess? I’m not sick, I have a great attitude, and learn easily. There are a thousand things rolling around in my head that I could do. What am I not going to do? I refuse to live with regret.

So, what does that mean? Honestly, it means a lot more thinking. Planning. I am at this crossroads for a reason. Where will it take me? I don’t know yet. I am looking to others for inspiration, and maybe watching their success will push me even further than I have ever dared possible. There’s a great big world out there. Waiting. Watching.

Pretty soon, I will spread my wings and soar with the eagles.

Until we meet again,

Angie

Ode To A Friend

It has been a very, very long couple of weeks. One of the people who I admired greatly and who was an incredible supporter for me passed away. I have only known Robin well for a few years, but she was one of those people that you never forget. I have known her since working at Blue Cross and we became better friends in the past 2 years.

Robin and I began the Customer Advocate Specialist position at the same time. We went through training together, and leaned on each other through the struggles of a new position. The days were long, the concepts sometimes difficult, but at the end of the day – I could count on her to have my back, as she did with me. I learned about her love for her family. It was a beautiful thing. I also knew that she was a no nonsense kind of gal. If she had a problem with you, you knew it. Straight shooter.

When I was going through some of the toughest times of my life,  Robin was my cheerleader. She was one of the people that made me realize that life is short. She gave me courage, and made me see that I am not a doormat. I needed to be appreciated and loved – and I needed to be with someone who knows that this is not something to take for granted. My ex-husband took me for granted, and made me feel like I was not worth the effort. I spent many nights at Blue Cross, talking through this with Robin because I didn’t want to go home. I was less than nothing in my mind then. Robin made me realize that to be cared about means that you know you are cared for. You show the other person you care.

Robin left Blue Cross right before my personal D day. I still called her the day I left him, and told her I was ok, and that I had finally done it. It was an incredible rush. There are still not enough words to thank any of the people who led me to where I am now.

I had been to Robin’s home to see her after she left Blue Cross, and she got progressively worse. I was angry with myself for not going to see her when I wanted to after I got back from my trip to Hawaii. Unfortunately, life gets in the way. When I was told that Robin was very bad, and it would not be long, it was one of the hardest things for me to cope with. It hit me that this wonderful person would no longer be the rock for others to lean on. I was able to go see her the Wednesday before she passed away. It was difficult, but I am glad I was able to see Robin one last time.

Talking with her is something I will miss. She gave me advice, shared wonderful stories of her family, told me about some of the trips they took, and let me know that I had a gift. Robin told me that I could make the ordinary beautiful. One of the things she liked most was the photos of my Sunday adventures. She let me know that I could truly help others see the beauty in what we look at every day.

My love and support to the members of her family.

To Robin herself: I miss you a lot, my friend. I will remember the lessons you taught me. I am grateful that I got to know you. When good things happen, I will think of you and smile. I know I have one incredible lady up there, looking down and cheering on my successes. Be at peace. No more pain.

Have a great 4th, my friends.

Angie

Saturday Walks and Music lead to Reminiscing

I think listening to music is putting me in touch with the inner demons. It’s crazy. It’s powerful.

I woke up on a rainy Saturday morning, and went for a walk. This is not unusual, other than I was forced to carry an umbrella. I’ve discovered in the course of many early morning neighborhood strolls that I need music. If I walk with another person, I’m fine. If I walk by myself, music is a requirement. I lose myself in the music, and that’s a good thing.

I’ll even age myself a bit – “We’ll go dancing in the dark, walking through the park and reminiscing.” Reminiscing can happen. It often depends on the song, the lyrics, and my mood. The combo of the three can make me remember good times or bad times. I can be emotional, and from time to time, music has moved me to tears. Again, not unusual. Heck, I can watch a commercial on television and be moved to tears. Even animated films that I know are not real have made me cry. Tears are good. We should never be ashamed to cry.

This morning’s memory was a moment I will always remember. I listened to the song “Just the Way You Are” by Bruno Mars. I was taken back to the performance on television in December of 2010, where he performed the song acoustically on the Grammy Nominations show. If you have never listened to it performed this way, I recommend it highly. I got the chills the first time, and I still do. Here's the link: Bruno Mars "Just The Way You Are"

You might think – It’s only a song. It is and it’s not. The lyrics are important.

Oh, her eyes, her eyes
Make the stars look like they're not shinin'
Her hair, her hair
Falls perfectly without her trying
She's so beautiful
And I tell her everyday
Yeah

I know, I know
When I compliment her she won't believe me
And it's so, it's so
Sad to think that she don't see what I see
But every time she asks me, "Do I look okay?"
I say,


When I see your face (face, face...)
There's not a thing that I would change
'Cause you're amazing (amazing)
Just the way you are (are)
And when you smile (smile, smile...)
The whole world stops and stares for a while
'Cause, girl, you're amazing (amazing)
Just the way you are (are).
Yeah

Her lips, her lips
I could kiss them all day if she'd let me
Her laugh, her laugh
She hates but I think it's so sexy
She's so beautiful
And I tell her everyday,

Oh you know, you know, you know
I'd never ask you to change
If perfect's what you're searching for
Then just stay the same
So don't even bother asking if you look okay
You know I'll say,


When I see your face (face, face...)
There's not a thing that I would change
'Cause you're amazing (amazing)
Just the way you are (are)
And when you smile (smile, smile...)
The whole world stops and stares for a while
'Cause, girl, you're amazing (amazing)
Just the way you are (are)

The way you are
The way you are
Girl, you're amazing (amazing)
Just the way you are (are)


When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
'Cause you're amazing (amazing)
Just the way you are (are)
And when you smile
The whole world stops and stares for a while
'Cause, girl, you're amazing
Just the way you are

Yeah

When I listened – really listened – I knew that my life would never be the same again. I have spent most of my adult life in the shadows of other people. I was just there. But to be amazing – was I? Was I more than just a mom, a wife (at the time), a daughter and so on? Accepting compliments was something I could never do. Now I blindly grasped the fact that I might be amazing. I might also be beautiful. There might actually be someone out there that thinks that about me, or could someday. Wow!

This was another turning point in becoming who I am today. I thought, I can really ask a guy if I look ok, and he could tell me I’m  amazing and he wouldn’t change a thing?  Guys can love the things you think are wrong with you? Am I awake, or is this Bizarro Rockford? I’d become accustomed to having flaws, or told I needed to lose weight, or I couldn’t possibly be right. I looked at myself in the mirror. I was able to see beyond the shell that I put there. You know what? I was amazing.

From that point, I moved forward. Now I am unstoppable. The best gift this year for my birthday (and a lot of stiff competition there) came in the form of words. I was told that I am beautiful.  I may not be perfect, may not be a size 6, and can be a little kooky occasionally – but I am 100% me.

All of you that play a part in my life are amazing. Just the way you are. I wouldn’t change a thing.

Enjoy your weekend,

Angie