I feel like sharing.
This is the point that I actually give you something I've written. I know - my blog IS written by me. Not what I mean. Today's excerpt began as an emotional exercise for me when I was struggling in my marriage. Just like the painful poem I shared with all of you, this sums it up pretty well. It was a tool to grow and connect with my own emotions. I was trying to swallow them. By writing this, I was able to step out of myself and see my pain. I hope that you enjoy it.
Life, Love and Other Lessons
What is
love?
Love is...the way you feel after an amazing date. It is the wonderful
combination of coffee and cream. It can be passionate, it can be bittersweet,
and it can be life changing. A spark can create it, or can ignite a flame of
the past. It is like a flower that begins to bloom - looking innocent, but
needs tending to make it grow into a beautiful plant. The stars align by it,
songs are written of it, cards by the hundreds laud it, a whole Valentine’s Day
exists for it, but what is it really? Do we fall into it? Do we grow into it?
How does it begin?
Does love come from mutual attraction,
friendship, or sexual escapades? All have valid points, but is it merely
chemical? Are we programmed to seek love? Children learn love from parents, but
romantic love comes much later. Do we have this ingrained from watching our
parents? We all know that procreation does not require it, so what causes a
human being to be hardwired to search for love? For that matter, when we do
"fall in love", how does one know that it is truly love? Could it be
merely a passing fancy or a distraction? Is it our brain telling us that this
is now - our desire to be wanted, to be needed - is answered?
I think that true love is a goal our soul sets forth for us. It is what we
strive to achieve, just as much as success or wealth. Now our soul may perceive
a relationship as "true love", but as the relationship unwinds before
our eyes, the structure may unravel, much as a worn rug, or favorite sweater.
Question is at this point, do we pick up a needle and repair the damage, or do
we toss it to the curb? Learning to adjust to the flaws is a major component.
If you cannot see beyond the shabbiness, how can you continue to care?
Seeking the answer to relationship problems – this seems like a vast task, but
I have theories to test. When you tell someone you love them, and the
relationship ends, do those feelings just go away? Do they lay dormant in your
subconscious, lurking beneath the surface? Is there a vast storage facility for
those feelings to go to? I wonder. Is
there the "love room" in your mind? This would be the place of
forgotten emotions, a place with a lock and key, where we hide the feelings
that can ultimately hurt us, should we decide to dwell on said feelings.
Relationships are hard. They test the idea that love is patient and kind,
forgives all things, and endures all things. Some of us live for that feeling -
that initial "wow, I am seeing cupids and stars floating around" feeling
in the pit of your stomach. But how can one make that feeling into something
tangible, something that lasts for all time? That is the true question, as love
seems to be a fleeting emotion, replaced by our friend comfort, and his
companion, consistency. We can love a new puppy, we have love for our family,
love a song, food, etc., but what of romantic love? How do we make that part of
everyday life?
I believe that your partner, be it man or woman, is seeking answers to the same
question. It is a human emotion, flawed thought it may be, to desire romantic
love. We get it, and the feeling is incredible, you go around with this silly,
sappy grin on your face, and your heart says, “Yes, this is the one for all
time.” Maybe it is, but that feeling fades, and you are left with the mask
being pulled away from that fantastic love. You then are able to see the little
flaws that lie beneath the surface. Our minds think "Wait, this wasn't
what I signed on for", and your heart, still in its love-filled stupor, says
“Ok, I can make this work. I can change my mate to make them who I want them to
be.”
But this is not reality talking, it is desperation. It is human nature to not
be able to admit there was a mistake made. It is your need, as a normal human
being, to be right or to prove others wrong for doubting your connection. So
the struggle continues - you want so badly to capture that feeling you once
had, and your partner being oblivious, not realizing the pain or irritation, as
you swallow those true feelings whole. When you find that you are becoming a
martyr to your real feelings, you should have the common sense to end it for
the sake of sanity. Yet relationships such as these have been going on since
the beginning of time. Husbands with a mistress, and the wife having complete
knowledge, going along with it for whatever rationalization, and vice versa.
Are we destined for one person? Do any of us believe in fate, or destiny, or
the like anymore? I know that when you are with certain people, your heart
pounds, your palms sweat, and you have that slightly nauseous feeling in your
stomach. Is that the sign? Or does a great relationship start with common
interests, friendship, and then love? These are many valid questions.
Watching a couple in the initial phase of love is beautiful. There is much
affection - much hand holding for some and long meaningful glances. Young love?
In today's society, this aspect of love is not the same. Girls are having
babies at younger and younger ages, but they mistake sex for love. What is left
is a child, born out of passion, yet the child resented for the father running
the other way. Sad really.
Does anyone know what will make them truly happy? Does love have to exist for
us to be happy? I think it does, but not necessarily in the romantic
vernacular. I am not knocking romantic love. When it exists, it is mind
blowing. However, the love of family and friends can be satisfying as well. I
know I have put on my cynic's hat, but sometimes love in the romantic venue comes
at a price. You have to decide what drives you.
Now sometimes we want what we cannot have - or maybe should not have. At some
point in everyone's life, you have experienced this. Maybe it is because you
are lonely, or your current relationship is not satisfactory - either in the
physical nature or in the emotional one. Some love, but do not grasp the
concept of a partnership. Their emotions could be expressed, but yet they hold
back out of fear of getting too close, or showing a weakness inside, or
thousands of other pointless reasons. These people communicate, but the things
they share are trivial. The unsuspecting partner is more of a sounding board
than a true romantic companion, and this person becomes disillusioned with
love. They seek an emotional connection - somewhere, anywhere.
I will say this though, if you do not enter a relationship for the right
reasons, it is destined to fail. The hardest part is deciding when to walk
away. How do you do that without being emotionally scarred? For some, this is a
repeat of a repeat - why does this keep happening? You begin to blame yourself
- am I not pretty, thin, nice, sweet, and easy to get along with? Maybe it's
me, am I the damaged one? I do not deserve to be happy. That's a load of crap. Everyone
deserves to be happy, and some of us need to learn how to ask for what we
really want. Period. It does not have to be a fantasy, it can be real, but
you have to go get it. Don't let your dream walk away.
True romantic love is something that
happens. It is a love that is not forced. Each partner is there because they
choose to be. These lovers share a connection on a physical, emotional, and
intellectual plane. They do not have to define what they have, as the
connection is enough. The two of them are there for each other, even if things
are hard. It would be nice if it were easy, but the mere fact that it is a
challenge is a key facet in the equation. Right or wrong, I think that this is
the feeling worth having, and one worth fighting for. Don’t you?
