Advice to the younger me

Good morning my friends,

I was reading an article in People magazine where these celebrities were giving their younger selves advice, and that idea kind of stuck in my head. What kind of things would I tell the younger version of myself if I could go back and give some insight? It made the wheels in my brain turn.

I am exceedingly happy in my life. The choices I am currently making are rewarding, and fill me with a sense of contentment. The existential me often ponders if I had changed even one facet of my previous life, would I arrive to where I am now? There are choices I made that had consequences - one of which gave me my daughter Jess. I know that I would not want to change or give up the phenomenal person that she is. That being said, I have a few tidbits that I would have shared with teenage Angie.

1) You are amazing, just the way you are - I was constantly in pursuit of being thinner. I look back now and realize that there was absolutely nothing wrong with my figure. Pressure from the world around us at that time gave the perception that thinner is better. Not true. Toned is great, but love yourself. You are the only one with the power to change you. In order to have that physique, to accept who and what you are - you have to love yourself first.

2) Stop being so stubborn - I was set in my ways, and when I felt I was right, or being pressured to do something, I dug my heels in. At times, this meant making stupid choices and sacrificing things I cared deeply about for the sense of being right. No one has to be right all of the time. If you are told not to do something, and you get mad because you were told what to do - don't choose wrong just to prove a point. Keep your values the same as they always were. Talk to that person who gave you an ultimatum. Get past it. Let them know that you feel controlled, and maybe it will be a good conversation.

3) For the love of God, study! - High school for me was more of a regurgitation of knowledge. I was exceedingly good at looking at information, and being able to recall it by memory. I procrastinated with every paper I had to write, I thought nothing of staying up the night before it was due and cranking out a 10 page paper. I am incredibly shocked that I did have a good grade point average.  I went to college without preparation. What a rude awakening! I did horribly my first two years at college. I finally learned how to study, but the effects were far reaching.

4) Abuse can be BOTH physical and mental - It is NEVER ok for you to be abused by physical or mental violence. If a guy lays his hands on you in anger - even one time is far, far too many. Belittling you, making you feel small, saying mean things (too fat, too dumb - to list a few) - mental abuse is sometimes even worse than being hit. You are not crazy. Don't let him make you think you are. If any of you have been hit or made to feel like garbage - get out. It is not worth it. It is not going to stop after one instance. I finally did run, but I should have much, much sooner.

5) Stop and smell the roses - Appreciate the world around you. Don't focus so hard that everything passes you by. Life is amazing. Find that person that completes you. Don't settle. Don't let life become monotonous.

6) There is more to life than TV and couch potatodom - I love a good television show, but I have now learned that losing yourself in a world of sitcoms or movies is not helping you face your problems. Go out there. Grasp the brass ring. You may find that reading, listening to lectures, or pursuing your passions is far more rewarding.

7) Make every day count - Don't live with a regret. Each day is someone's last day. You need to be sure that those around you know how you feel. Take that risk. Tell someone you love them. Find your passion. Discover why you are the way you are, and why you do the things you do. You'll find that happiness is contagious.

I think 16 year old Angie needed to hear all of those things. I know present day Angie is aware of all of those and other things a hundred times over. I am in the next chapter of my life, and this book is becoming quite captivating. Let's read on.


Until next time,
Angie French

Feelings – Wait...I have those?

Gotta keep those lovin’ good vibrations a happenin’-a la the Beach Boys?

Or is it more  -It’s such a good vibration, It’s such a sweet sensation…come on, come on…feel it, feel it…Feel the vibration- a la Marky Mark?

I tease, of course. Yes, I feel things. Yes, I have emotions. They range from awe and wonder, like a small child discovering things for the first time, to passionate and heartfelt. It’s only within the past few months that those emotions have come to the surface, and I have allowed them out again. I had been so guarded before that I kind of shut all of that deep feeling up inside. When you perceive yourself to be small, to let someone know they can hurt you takes away even the slightest shred of dignity. You become a “yes” person. Whatever they say, whatever they want- you go along with it because that’s how to avoid conflict. If you show emotion, you give that person power over you. When you are alone though, you can let that emotion out. I am not ashamed to tell you that I cried many times with frustration, anger, hurt, and pain in my marriage. A healthy, caring relationship would have allowed give and take, and discussion of such unhappiness. That being said, as you can guess, it did not happen.

I had become the master of avoiding real conflict. Being the child of divorced parents, conflict in my mind was the bad thing – it was the thing that caused marriages to end. Even though the rational me knew the only way to communicate unhappiness was to talk about it, the fear had overtaken me. I’m not saying that in marriage #1 or marriage #2 that if I had communicated better, things would have been better. I don’t know that. I do know that it would have been the healthier way for me to approach things. Lack of communication sadly was only one of the factors leading to the breakdown.

No matter what - never, ever lose your sense of self. Each of us has our flaws. Our flaws are what make us who we are, not our perfections. Do not let someone change who you are at your core. It is the person that allows you to be yourself - someone who opens your possibilities instead of trying to control you – who is worth your time.

I know that a healthy relationship is give and take. It is not one person calling all the shots. It is allowing both parties to have an opinion. Sometimes you may disagree. That’s ok. If you disagree, talk about it. Don’t stubbornly dig your heels in and refuse to see it any other way. In other words, don’t be a child. It’s ok to argue, but remember, the best way is to stop, ponder, and see if you can see the issue from the other person’s point of view. Take into consideration the other person’s feelings. Some people have an obsessive need to be right. Probably not the way to approach your problems.

I am far from being an emotions/relationship expert. I have learned and grown. I enjoy not knowing everything, exploring little by little, and seeing what happens. I know compromise is important, as well as communication. It helps to have fun with the other person. Show them that you care. Even the smallest gesture at the appropriate time can have a huge impact. Sometimes, the gift of their time is a giant indicator of how much they care, especially when time is a precious commodity.

So these “feelings” I speak of? Feelings are so many things – intense, powerful, comforting, freeing, caring, amazing – I could go on and on. To be alive is to have feelings. That, my friends, is how you find this girl. I am alive, I am happy, and I am who I am meant to be. This girl – well, she is fabulous. Show your feelings. Allow yourself to be a bit vulnerable and step out of that comfort zone. I guarantee it will pay off in spades – maybe not today, or even tomorrow – but every day remember today is what we make it to be. Imagine the potential!

Until we meet again,

Angie