Sunrise...Moon Set

I surprise even myself sometimes at the little things that make me happy.

I used to take so much time on the big things and became disappointed when things did not happen the way I wanted them to, or in the time table I wanted them to. I still sometimes have moments of sadness if I can't figure out how to get what I want. These are the big picture things. Big picture events take time, work, effort...you don't snap your fingers and they just happen. That's why stories have a happy ending - because there was effort.

This very morning, I woke up after not sleeping real well. That happens sometimes. It's a bitch to get older, I'm telling ya right now. Instead of focusing on that, I glanced at the clock and the realization hit me that the sunrise was mere minutes away. Here in the land of the apartment buildings, it wasn't something I was going to be able to see very well - if at all. I quickly threw on clothes, grabbed my keys, and off I went at a blazing 35 miles per hour to Rock Valley. (35 because number one, I live in a residential neighborhood, and number two, my turkey friends rule the hood in the early AM). No coffee (gasp!), no shower (a bit pungent), and hair not brushed. Beauty frickin' queen.

As I hit the intersection of Pepper and Mulford, I was treated to the beauty of the sun beginning to peek out over the field. Blues, yellows, pinks, oranges...sunrises and sunsets are important business, kids.  I pulled into the parking lot of Rock Valley and snapped a couple of nice glowy sunrise photos and one of the moon setting in the West. Not professional photographer quality, but just capturing that moment... the one that night turns back into day. It's glorious. I stood, watching the sun creep up for several minutes, wearing my satisfaction and happiness on my sleeve. Then, realization number two hit me. Like someone smacking me in the back of the head. The POND!

It's a bit cooler this morning than it has been. I looked at the temperature and it was 55 degrees. The reason that is important is because if the air is cooler than the water in the Duck pond, you have clouds of steam rising off of it as the sun comes up. I jumped back in the car, drove around to the other side of Rock Valley, walked quickly (because at this age in the wet dew of the grass I will probably fall and break a hip), and got to the pond. My efforts were rewarded, watching the steam roll off the pond as the sunlight hits it and warms the water. Just a magical sight and magical timing.
Even though my feet were soaked through my shoes, I got to see it. Snapped pictures which don't even begin to capture the majesty of the moment, but I shared them also.

It's these. These are the moments we need to appreciate. We can't always control what happens to us, but we can live in the sheer beauty and magic of the little moments of our lives. Mock me if you will, but what I like best about myself is that I see things in a different way than most. I am enthralled by clouds on a sunny day, I am in awe of a clear night and a sky full of stars out where the city lights don't take their majesty away. I giggle with glee when an animal goes from being a stranger to me to wanting to love me up with headbutts and snuggles. I love moments of laughter. I am thrilled to share my thoughts with people I care about. I don't have to be rich. I enjoy grilled cheese on the level of gourmet dining. I worship coffee as if it was godlike.

Appreciate every moment. If you do, the irritations, the frustrations - well, they will still be there - but you might not mind quite as much. You saw the world through the eyes of magic for the briefest of moments, and it made you smile.

Until we meet again,
Angie

Jane, Stop This Crazy Thing!...Or Life in Retrospect

It's a Friday night, and I'm partying heavily...

By that, I mean I have a glass of wine and my laptop in front of me, typing away at a story or two. I'm a loner, Dottie. A rebel.

I find it funny the amount of time I spend pondering things the older I get. I get an idea in my head, and it rolls around in there - seemingly having nothing to stop it. I was there for brains, I swear I was.

Lately it's been things like - oh, I remember how that tasted as a kid. Or, gosh -  I wish it was like it was when I was small. Recently for example: I am driving back from checking on my friend's house, and I am struck with this taste in my mouth for the hot dogs we used to get when I was little and there was an amusement park we would visit. I have tasted nothing like them since. Weird, right?

Today is my daughter's birthday. I am in awe over the person she is, and that I had a part in making her. I didn't go all Weird Science on her, rest assured. She came about the pleasant, old fashioned way that they teach y'all when you talk about the birds and the bees. Yes...the stork brought her. Well, duh!

 Today also marks the "day after" on a moment in my life. I made a decision back in June of 2014, and I don't regret it. Not for a single second. June 21, 2014. I walked away from a marriage that caused me pain, caused me self doubt, and left me often wondering if I was good enough for anyone. Abuse is not always physical, friends. Belittling people and making them feel like worthless garbage is just as bad and often times leaves even deeper scars. I still fight those self doubts. Every day. Yet, I know I am here for a purpose.

But everyone has those moments. Am I frustrated? Yes, somedays I am frustrated a lot. I learned though. I learned that everything happens when it's supposed to . We gravitate toward people who mean something to us. I have people in my life that have my back- no matter what. I have theirs. I made friends who are family to me. Maybe there are times I would like to have someone to hug me and tell me its going to be ok. I might not get that today. However, never underestimate a person's actions. Are they giving you kind words, asking if you're ok, or making you laugh? These are actions that speak volumes.The gift of time, laughter, and happy moments - these things last much longer than anything material ever could.

Maybe you don't understand how someone can walk away from security - be it a marriage, a job, a home - but you do what you need to do to survive, to live your life with purpose, to give yourself the greatest gift of all - piece of mind. I don't want things (except when I'm havng a childish moment and Amazon becomes my bff) that will ultimately end up in a box. I want to have things that will bring me happiness - that give me that sense of self. Things my daughter will pick up long after I'm gone and smile because it reminds her of me. Jess, I apologize in advance for the Oingo Boingo and Nightmare Before Christmas parephenalia that I possess...in addition to the number of books. Guess what? She will get to read all those story snippets I wrote over the years, the poetry, the odd character creations...I have no doubt that when I leave this earth (hopefully many years from now) that my daughter will see me everywhere in my things and see my love for her without question.

I wish to leave this life someday a long tme from now knowing that I touched lives. That I was  loved. That I left an indelible mark on this world. I may not be rich -  hell - I probably will never be rich, but I live with a richness that isn't something that can be bought. So many of you are my riches. My precious gifts that make me smile, make me laugh til I cry, and the light that shines in the darkness when I need you to the most.

Now that I've given myself the feels, I think I will go back to the writing and the wine. Spend a bit more time in that place where so many of you have touched my life. Bless you all.


Until we meet again,
Angie

Friends support Friends in Ohio

     Friendship is a gift. You have some friends you interact with daily, some monthly, some yearly...some you can go years between visits and nothing has changed. How do you say goodbye? It isn't necessarily a forever farewell, but life moves so fast that there are no guarantees. I am a big believer in telling people how you feel, and how much they truly mean to you. It's me. I was born this way. Emotion and I - wrapped together like a candy cane, never the two shall part. I have said goodbye to people over the course of my *ahem* years and it always comes back to this. I leave those who mean a lot to me with memories shared. 

     Allison Brannan, I am certainly going to miss you. I know that for Allison to join me on a big adventure was a lot for her. The adventure was a BIG adventure. I wanted to go to Carbondale, IL to see a Dungeons and Dragons park that I had read about. When I mentioned it, Allison was as geek thrilled as I was to see it. I knew this was a drive that I could not do alone in one day, but maybe with someone along? Doable. We left about 7am that day and returned at about 10:30 pm. That's a WHOLE lot of driving in one day, folks. The coolest part was getting to know Allison better. Lots of life conversations happened that day. We also stopped and saw the town that the creator of Popeye was from - and there were statues everywhere in the town. We had the most AMAZING sliders and I had a deliciously decadent alcoholic milkshake that day as well. However, the memory that stands out for the day has to be the unfortunate meeting of my passenger mirror with the evil orange barrel of hell. Woke Allison and I right up, and was SO close to home without incident. Dammit anyway.

     I will also remember fondly the times spent at the Olympic with Rosa and Allison. Nice getting together with the gals, sippin' some cocktails, eating a bit of delicious food - good times. There was also the Morgan, Angie and Allison adventure to the Galos Cave Spa and Myopic books, the Pabst mansion with the random deliciousness of sushi...these are the memories of our friendship, Allison, that I hope you take with you as you journey to Ohio. If you are broken, I believe that you will find your way back to being the best person you can be. 


     My advice to you? Take risks. Live every day like it was your last day on Earth. Don't forget the people who love and care about you, as you may think there are few - but in truth, there are oh so many. This is the beginning of a grand adventure. Do something you are afraid to do. Learn new things. Embrace new friends. Read much and often. Stretch your comfort zone and fly, Allison. You've got it in you. I know you do. Being your friend is an honor and a privilege. This isn't goodbye.  I have a feeling that we shall see each other again. Too many adventures yet for it to be goodbye.

     Know that you are loved and you will be missed immensely. Farewell for now, my dear friend.

Until we meet again,
Angie


     

Pay No Attention to the Girl behind the Curtain

2017.

A year of good mixed with bad. At the start, it found me putting the pieces back together from crippling depression.  Months of not feeling good enough for anyone or anything. My saving grace was friends who cared and supported me. I met new people. I returned to something I have always loved - the ability to write. I had been blogging for a long time, but this was revisiting writing stories and poetry. This was the ability to learn in the company of others who are supportive and forthcoming with critique.

I have now dived into 2018. Still medical issues. I feel good at times, but the exhaustion can overtake me in a minute. We have ruled out some pretty big things  - lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, any other anti immune diseases - so what now?

Next up, colonoscopy. Can I say I am less than fucking excited for this? One friend did tell me it’s going to be more action than they saw last year, so I guess that’s a plus. I still battle depression. I know those people who come up to you and say,  “Oh cheer up! Smile.” are meant to make you feel better. Christ, I do it myself. But the god’s honest truth? It’s not something that just “goes away”. Major depression is real, it’s fucked up, and can strike unexpectedly at any given moment. It’s caused by many things both physical and psychological. Some people never get better. I am better, but I always know it lurks right underneath my conscious being, and can be randomly set off by the stupidest things. When it happens, I can lay in bed or on the couch for days.

Where do we go from here? I am living life, one day at a time. I have great days, I have awful days - not gonna change. Am I lonely? Sometimes I am. Not really wanting to delve into romantic feelings right now. I have to believe that I will get there when it’s time.

For now, I may be quiet on the blogging front, but know it is because I am fighting my own personal battles. Thanks for those who support and care about me.

Until we meet again,
Angie