Jane, Stop This Crazy Thing!...Or Life in Retrospect

It's a Friday night, and I'm partying heavily...

By that, I mean I have a glass of wine and my laptop in front of me, typing away at a story or two. I'm a loner, Dottie. A rebel.

I find it funny the amount of time I spend pondering things the older I get. I get an idea in my head, and it rolls around in there - seemingly having nothing to stop it. I was there for brains, I swear I was.

Lately it's been things like - oh, I remember how that tasted as a kid. Or, gosh -  I wish it was like it was when I was small. Recently for example: I am driving back from checking on my friend's house, and I am struck with this taste in my mouth for the hot dogs we used to get when I was little and there was an amusement park we would visit. I have tasted nothing like them since. Weird, right?

Today is my daughter's birthday. I am in awe over the person she is, and that I had a part in making her. I didn't go all Weird Science on her, rest assured. She came about the pleasant, old fashioned way that they teach y'all when you talk about the birds and the bees. Yes...the stork brought her. Well, duh!

 Today also marks the "day after" on a moment in my life. I made a decision back in June of 2014, and I don't regret it. Not for a single second. June 21, 2014. I walked away from a marriage that caused me pain, caused me self doubt, and left me often wondering if I was good enough for anyone. Abuse is not always physical, friends. Belittling people and making them feel like worthless garbage is just as bad and often times leaves even deeper scars. I still fight those self doubts. Every day. Yet, I know I am here for a purpose.

But everyone has those moments. Am I frustrated? Yes, somedays I am frustrated a lot. I learned though. I learned that everything happens when it's supposed to . We gravitate toward people who mean something to us. I have people in my life that have my back- no matter what. I have theirs. I made friends who are family to me. Maybe there are times I would like to have someone to hug me and tell me its going to be ok. I might not get that today. However, never underestimate a person's actions. Are they giving you kind words, asking if you're ok, or making you laugh? These are actions that speak volumes.The gift of time, laughter, and happy moments - these things last much longer than anything material ever could.

Maybe you don't understand how someone can walk away from security - be it a marriage, a job, a home - but you do what you need to do to survive, to live your life with purpose, to give yourself the greatest gift of all - piece of mind. I don't want things (except when I'm havng a childish moment and Amazon becomes my bff) that will ultimately end up in a box. I want to have things that will bring me happiness - that give me that sense of self. Things my daughter will pick up long after I'm gone and smile because it reminds her of me. Jess, I apologize in advance for the Oingo Boingo and Nightmare Before Christmas parephenalia that I possess...in addition to the number of books. Guess what? She will get to read all those story snippets I wrote over the years, the poetry, the odd character creations...I have no doubt that when I leave this earth (hopefully many years from now) that my daughter will see me everywhere in my things and see my love for her without question.

I wish to leave this life someday a long tme from now knowing that I touched lives. That I was  loved. That I left an indelible mark on this world. I may not be rich -  hell - I probably will never be rich, but I live with a richness that isn't something that can be bought. So many of you are my riches. My precious gifts that make me smile, make me laugh til I cry, and the light that shines in the darkness when I need you to the most.

Now that I've given myself the feels, I think I will go back to the writing and the wine. Spend a bit more time in that place where so many of you have touched my life. Bless you all.


Until we meet again,
Angie