Gooooood morning, Saturday Insanity!

Being that my body felt the insane desire to be up at 4 am today, I did some life pondering. I was reading some old saved stories. One I posted a portion of on this blog prior, but not to the extent that I had written. It began as a exploration of how love is supposed to be, as my marriage was a big pile of shit at that point. I began this years ago while married to my first husband, so this has been around a while...

I used the writing of this story to explore the topic of love, and its meanings and such. It helped me cope since I felt out of control. I then extended it to poke a little fun about dating, life, and the like. I think this needs to be allowed in its current form, with the full intent on me continuing this tale. I like it as an alternative expression of humor with a wee bit of true emotional rawness mixed in. So, those of you who viewed the initial content- my apologies for a bit of repeat. But - if you indulge me, you'll see the intent of posting in its current state of entirety.

Life, Love (?), and Other Lessons

What is love?

   Love is...the way you feel after an amazing date. It is the wonderful combination of coffee and cream. It can be passionate, it can be bittersweet, and it can be life changing. A spark can create it, or can ignite a flame of the past. It is like a flower that begins to bloom - looking innocent, but needs tending to make it grow into a beautiful plant. The stars align by it, songs are written of it, cards by the hundreds laud it, a whole Valentine’s Day exists for it, but what is it really? Do we fall into it? Do we grow into it? How does it begin?

   Does love come from mutual attraction, friendship, or sexual escapades? All have valid points, but is it merely chemical? Are we programmed to seek love? Children learn love from parents, but romantic love comes much later. Do we have this ingrained from watching our parents? We all know that procreation does not require it, so what causes a human being to be hardwired to search for love? For that matter, when we do "fall in love", how does one know that it is truly love? Could it be merely a passing fancy or a distraction? Is it our brain telling us that this is now - our desire to be wanted, to be needed - is answered?

   I think that true love is a goal our soul sets forth for us. It is what we strive to achieve, just as much as success or wealth. Now our soul may perceive a relationship as "true love", but as the relationship unwinds before our eyes, the structure may unravel, much as a worn rug, or favorite sweater. Question is at this point, do we pick up a needle and repair the damage, or do we toss it to the curb? Learning to adjust to the flaws is a major component. If you cannot see beyond the shabbiness, how can you continue to care?

     Seeking the answer to relationship problems – this seems like a vast task, but I have theories to test. When you tell someone you love them, and the relationship ends, do those feelings just go away? Do they lay dormant in your subconscious, lurking beneath the surface? Is there a vast storage facility for those feelings to go to?  I wonder. Is there the "love room" in your mind?  This would be the place of forgotten emotions, a place with a lock and key, where we hide the feelings that can ultimately hurt us, should we decide to dwell on said feelings.

     Relationships are hard. They test the idea that love is patient and kind, forgives all things, endures all things. Some of us live for that feeling - that initial "wow, I am seeing cupids and stars floating around" feeling in the pit of your stomach. But how can one make that feeling into something tangible, something that lasts for all time? That is the true question, as love seems to be a fleeting emotion, replaced by our friend comfort, and his companion, consistency. We can love a new puppy, we have love for our family, love a song, food, etc., but what of romantic love? How do we make that part of everyday life?

   I believe that your partner, be it man or woman, is seeking answers to the same question. It is a human emotion, flawed thought it may be, to desire romantic love. We get it, and the feeling is incredible, you go around with this silly, sappy grin on your face, and your heart says, “Yes, this is the one for all time.” Maybe it is, but that feeling fades, and you are left with the mask being pulled away from that fantastic love. You then are able to see the little flaws that lie beneath the surface. Our minds think "Wait, this wasn't what I signed on for", and your heart, still in its love-filled stupor, says “Ok, I can make this work. I can change my mate to make them who I want them to be.”

    But this is not reality talking, it is desperation. It is human nature to not be able to admit there was a mistake made. It is your need, as a normal human being, to be right or to prove others wrong for doubting your connection. So the struggle continues - you want so badly to capture that feeling you once had, and your partner being oblivious, not realizing the pain or irritation, as you swallow those true feelings whole. When you find that you are becoming a martyr to your real feelings, you should have the common sense to end it for the sake of sanity. Yet relationships such as these have been going on since the beginning of time. Husbands with a mistress, and the wife having complete knowledge, going along with it for whatever rationalization, and vice versa.

    Are we destined for one person? Do any of us believe in fate, or destiny, or the like anymore? I know that when you are with certain people, your heart pounds, your palms sweat, and you have that slightly nauseous feeling in your stomach. Is that the sign? Or does a great relationship start with common interests, friendship, and then love? These are many valid questions.

     Watching a couple in the initial phase of love is beautiful. There is much affection - much hand holding for some and long meaningful glances. Young love? In today's society, this aspect of love is not the same. Girls are having babies at younger and younger ages, but they mistake sex for love. What is left is a child, born out of passion, yet the child resented for the father running the other way. Sad really.

    Does anyone know what will make them truly happy? Does love have to exist for us to be happy? I think it does, but not necessarily in the romantic vernacular. I am not knocking romantic love. When it exists, it is mind blowing. However, the love of family and friends can be satisfying as well. I know I have put on my cynic's hat, but sometimes love in the romantic venue comes at a price. You have to decide what drives you.

     Now sometimes we want what we cannot have - or maybe should not have. At some point in everyone's life, you have experienced this. Maybe it is because you are lonely, or your current relationship is not satisfactory - either in the physical nature or in the emotional one. Some love, but do not grasp the concept of a partnership. Their emotions could be expressed, but yet they hold back out of fear of getting too close, or showing a weakness inside, or thousands of other pointless reasons. These people communicate, but the things they share are trivial. The unsuspecting partner is more of a sounding board than a true romantic companion, and this person becomes disillusioned with love. They seek an emotional connection - somewhere, anywhere.

     I will say this though, if you do not enter a relationship for the right reasons, it is destined to fail. The hardest part is deciding when to walk away. How do you do that without being emotionally scarred? For some, this is a repeat of a repeat - why does this keep happening? You begin to blame yourself - am I not pretty, thin, nice, sweet, and easy to get along with? Maybe it's me, am I the damaged one? I do not deserve to be happy. That's a load of crap. Everyone deserves to be happy, and some of us need to learn how to ask for what we really want. Period. It does not have to be a fantasy, it can be real, but you have to go get it. Don't let your dream walk away.

   True romantic love is something that happens. It is a love that is not forced. Each partner is there because they choose to be. These lovers share a connection on a physical, emotional, and intellectual plane. They do not have to define what they have, as the connection is enough. The two of them are there for each other, even if things are hard. It would be nice if it were easy, but the mere fact that it is a challenge is a key facet in the equation. Right or wrong, I think that this is the feeling worth having, and one worth fighting for. Don’t you?

     Our society is wired for you to be part of a couple. Go to dinner alone, and the host/hostess asks, "Only one?" How depressing. You then spend the rest of your evening pondering why it is ONLY ONE. Buck up folks! Maybe it is your choice to be only one, maybe you prefer the solitary time to muse over the day's events, or your life's journey. You and you alone chose to go to dinner by yourself. It does not have to be some sad commentary of how you were not part of a couple. Jeez. The ads you see on television are of couples, families, or singles desperately seeking their other halves. Show me a commercial of someone single, reveling in their aloneness. Can't think of even one

, can you?

    

Let's touch on a few topics.

First, the blind date.

Dear God, why would friends do this to another person?  You know nothing about this person that your friends, in their ultimate wisdom, have determined is "perfect" for you. Really? I mean really? You, as the desperate lonely loser (which is your friend's wording, not mine), are now relegated to go out to dinner with said blind date. Now you have to look presentable. Walk over to your closet - it is filled with dozens of items that you would not/should not be caught dead in. Should you ask your friend's opinion? I think not. Remember, this is the same friend who has determined that you are not going to be a crazy cat lady or creepy old man under their watch. I rather think their opinion at this point is mute.

     After many, many, MANY wardrobe changes, you find the look that says, "Ok, here I am. This is what I am about." Hair - check, deodorant – check. Oh wait. Did I put on enough? So off you go to slather more deodorant under your arms. Look in the mirror - is that deodorant stains on your shirt? Off to yet your millionth wardrobe change. Teeth brushed - check, blow out into your palm to check it - eeewww. Grab the mouthwash, chug half of the bottle, gag into the sink as swallowing mouthwash is disgusting. Ok, ready? Now you are a stressed out, sweaty, disgruntled mess....bring on the love of your life!

     Here we go, walk into the restaurant - so far, so good. Your friend did not forget to tell you what level of attire is suitable for said restaurant. You go to the host, as you have arrived 15 minutes prior to the time he/she is going to show up. Escorted to the table, you are conscious of other people looking at you in the restaurant. Oh dear God, why?

 Do I have a booger? Is my hair mussed? As you pass by the mirror in the restaurant, you realize why people are staring - and now pointing and laughing. There, stuck to the back of your jacket/dress, is a sock. Crap! You beg the host to please, please remove the offensive material, which they do. Sit down at the table. Determine which seat is optimal for you, make sure it is not under an air conditioning vent or heater vent. After a 5 minute debate on this subject, you are ready for the date to begin.

     Here he/she comes - ok, looks wise, not half bad. Yet there is something oddly familiar about this person. Hmmm - How do I know you? This is going to make me crazy. Was it school? Public place? Someone I work with? Blind date opens their mouth to speak, meanwhile you are completely lost in trying to figure out who they are. A blank stare comes across their face - oh no! She/he asked me a question, and you did not hear it, because you were too busy obsessing. Do you A) look like an ass and say "pardon?", B) say something clever like "Oh, I am sorry, I did not hear you over the kitchen noise/music/loud people talking, etc., C) spill your water in a desperate attempt to not look like a fool for not listening, or D) pretend you heard the question, and say something that only you deem smooth in your mind?  Yet you go with none of these. You choose option E) stand up, catch the tablecloth on your clothing, and pull all liquid beverages on yourself. Smooth!

     Now that you have sufficiently guaranteed that there will not be a second date, you try to diffuse the situation. Out comes the wine list. You try to impress your date with your wine knowledge - God bless the internet!  Your date looks at you with disdain, she/he is not a drinker. How dare you suggest such a thing? Ok, off to a rocky start to say the least. You apologize profusely, and then it happens - the moment where you remember HOW you know your blind date. This person went to the same party as you in college, and was so drunk they took their clothes off and streaked through the campus, until one of the campus police tackled them, and, as typical, in a large rose bush. You stifle the urge to laugh out loud- must...not…laugh, must.....not.....laugh. Suddenly it bursts out of your lips, initially like a balloon releasing air, then turning on to a chortle, and becoming a full on cackle. The entire restaurant turns to look at you, your face becoming a lovely shade of purple, tears streaming from your eyes, nose running - yet the ability to stop has left the building. Your date gets up, throws a glass of water in your face, utters a few choice words, and storms out.

Ah Karma, she's a bitch.

 Next up: being the single person at a wedding.

What a supreme joy, your dearest friend is getting married. You are happy for them, but in your mind, you keep thinking "Oh crap, I need to find someone to take to the wedding." Now usually, going to a wedding together is something that happens after you have been dating AWHILE. It's not like your first date is dinner and a movie, second date, hey let's go to a wedding together - are you fucking crazy?  He/she will look at you, and in their head go, "Run, dammit, run. Date two and this person is instantly thinking commitment? Run, Run.....for the love of God run!"  So you weigh the alternatives: A) Go with a family member - safe bet? Well, think again. Said family member, if they are acquainted with other people at the wedding, will automatically go into Match.com mode. "Hey look at that guy/girl. Aren't they good looking? You should ask them out." or - and my personal favorite, "Hello (insert name here), have you met my cousin, brother/sister? They were just talking about you and I think you two would really hit it off" - telling this person how alone and desperate you have become? No thanks.

B)Skip the wedding all together. However in this scenario, the repercussions are HUGE. Remember , this is the friend that knows every last dirty secret you have - and after a few drinks, becomes blabby. So, all of your family are at this wedding, and now Mom and Dad know about the drunken weekend bash you had when they were out of town. The person you've secretly crushed on all these years? Well, cat's out of the bag! Heaven help you if they manage to dig out the photographic evidence of the most horrific moments you have been trying to forget.  Hello,  late night phone call after the reception!

     Which leaves us with option C) Go alone. Ok, this option seems sad and desperate, but really? This is actually the smartest choice. Yes, you do look a bit pathetic, but on the plus side, you are in the driver's seat. You can do this.Think suave and sophisticated. Be the one that everyone looks at for the right reasons. Yeah...

Fast forward to the day of the wedding. Tumble out of bed. You have that killer outfit, the right shoes, the hat that says "Wow, I am awesome!" 5 hours until you have to be at the church. Off to the bathroom, glance in the mirror - OH, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY - look at the size of that zit! Right on the tip of your nose. Suave...um no. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer? That is much, much closer. Keys, keys - race to the drugstore. Never mind that you still have a nasty case of bedhead and are dressed in the world's rattiest pajamas -  the day will be ruined with Godzillazit! (For the  bride, of course) SHE'd be mortified.

     Burst into the drugstore, trip over your own feet, take a nasty tumble on the tile floor. Spectacular! Now not only do you have the zit of a lifetime, you now have bruises on your body. What is that red stuff? You are also cut and bleeding. Son of a bitch! Stumble up to the clerk, beg for a band aid, and plead for ANYTHING that will shrink the pimple down to a manageable size in four and a half hours.

   You leave the drugstore with $150.00 worth of desperation. Drive home at a break-neck pace, leap from the car, slather, pick, poke, scrub...then repeat. Look in the mirror again - not only has Godzillazit NOT shrunk, it has now brought a few of its closest friends, as well as a killer strawberry rash, and that lovely band aided gash on your forehead- naturally has a Hello Kitty band aid, as that is all the clerk at the drugstore had (or so she said. Personally,you think it is some sick vendetta since you disturbed her in the midst of a conversation with some good looking guy). Well, fuck.  Too late to back out now - only 2 hours until your doom.

     Trying to make the best of a bad situation, now you decide to shower. Naturally, no hot water.Why not? Teeth chattering madly, you get out, blindly grasp for the towel on the door, as you are still sporting soap in your eyes, which is stinging unlike any pain you have ever experienced. Then you manage to pry them open a crack - SWEET MOTHER - lo and behold, you have used your wedding outfit as a towel! Sit on the bathroom floor, a wet, naked, pimpled ball, and cry.

     After five minutes of self-piteous weeping (where even the dog is like "Come on, pull yourself together! What are you - three?"), you find the courage to go over to your closet. What do you have left to wear to a wedding? Well, remember, there IS still the coolest hat in all the universe, and the shoes...which are...right...NO SPOT NOOOOOOOO! Not only has the dog mocked you senselessly, the bastard has now reduced the shoe count from a pair to a single. Perfect. Well? Closet? Etu Brute'? Who dresses you - Bozo? Yes, let's pull out the plaid with the polka dot shirt...there has GOT to be something else. Has someone broken into your home and replaced the cool clothes with garage sale rejects?  There...in the back...what's this?  A presentable look....say it ain't so, Mable. Pray really, really, really hard that the one decent outfit in the closet still fits. Off the hanger...so far so good, over the ass...oh, my, this MIGHT work. Go for the zipper....up, damn you! Suck it in even harder...tug, tug, there you go! You are in! Big shirt...bless you, hide that gut. Look in the mirror - not half bad. Finish the look, even the pimple is shrinking in absolute fear. 30 minutes...you can do this. Grab the shoes that will make your toes wince with pain, but remember, beauty is pain. Force those piggies into them!  Throw on the chapeau, and OFF WE GO!

     Drive at a snail's pace to the church...right behind grandma and her blue hair. Plenty of time. Breathe, breathe...you can do this. Arrive at the church 5 minutes before the beginning .People look at you and smile. Your friend looks at you, stifles a giggle, and proceeds to walk down the aisle. Must be happy.  The church looks amazing, you are sitting next to other mutual friends, what could be better? Here comes the bride...beautiful, elegant, lacy, white (even though WE all know that is a crock), and you sigh at the utter beauty of it all. Hmmm...you are a little itchy. Gently scratch your forehead...realizing why you were getting smiles, and a stifled giggle. Well HELLO KITTY...why not? How for the love of all things suave did you miss this?  Rip the band aid from your forehead...SON OF A BITCH!  Bite your lip to prevent you screaming out loud like a child.

     Finally, the ceremony is over. As you try to gently slide out of the pew, trip over your own feet, fall facedown in the aisle. Oh, aren't you going to make some man/woman a wonderful catch someday? Fortunately, only 75% of the church saw it, there's still a whopping 25% that has the illusion of your utter coolness and sophistication. Score! Now off to the reception.

     You walk in, and your friend that did not make the ceremony comments how stylish you look. There's one in the plus column - up against negative 350. You are making progress. And ...then it collapses. In walks ex-girlfriend/boyfriend #1, closely followed by numbers 2 AND 3. What did you do to deserve this? It's your Karma...that's what you get for laughing when that woman in white stepped right in that puddle of mud. Said trio apparently have bonded...in their shared disdain of you. Terrific! Number one approaches (affectionately referred to as BIG HEAD in your twisted brain), and says - loudly enough for the ENTIRE reception to hear- "So I see that they even invited a loser like you to the wedding. Spectacular. I see you couldn't even get a date. How sad for you!" Numbers 2 and 3 both chortle with glee, and you take IMMENSE satisfaction seeing number 3 shoot champagne out of his/her nose. Ha Ha, sucks to be you.

     And then you see her/him, across the room, looking beautiful. How could someone this classy be at this wedding/reception? Not possible. You saunter over to this Greek god/goddess, and open your mouth to speak...when they start laughing hysterically. OMG, what now? Out of the corner of your eye, you see number 1 mimic you in the worst possible way. FanFLIPPINtastic. You slink away, metaphoric tail between your legs, walking the walk of shame. Off to the bar.

     Six martinis later (hic) and yoouu are ready (hic) to hit the dance floor and shake your groove thing...wait, is it hot in here? The unholy trinity has morphed into 6, and now don't look quite so bad. BIG HEAD is surprisingly a good dancer, and number 2 (hic) is not quite as fat as they used to be, but number 3 (spastic spaz) is looking FINE (hic). You stroll (ok, stumble) on over to option #3, and in your smoothest drunk, say, "Hey babe, you are looking so sexy tonight!" , or in your head, that's what you have said. To everyone else in the room, it comes out, "Hy bab, (hic) u ar so sxy ngt" in drunken slur. Number 3 starts talking, and you are starting to feel a bit queasy. Not now stomach (hic), I might still get lucky tonight and salvage my evening. Urp, uck....go down, stay in my stomach. Number 3 is just starting to look at you in that " I want to take you to bed now" way, and you become aware that you are sweating profusely. Fortunately, number 3 has also been drinking, so you are looking like a pretty fine catch. You lean in, trying to finalize the kill...and you throw up, RIGHT in number 3's face. Your life, and your evening, is now pretty much over.

     So what's left? How are you EVER going to meet the love of your life? Your Facebook friends comment on your wall often, telling you that you DESPERATELY need to meet someone...or get laid, whichever works. You try to tell yourself, it doesn't matter. You have Facebook, you have your guild in WOW, what more could you possibly need? AND on Facebook, you are getting poked on a regular basis...kind of like getting laid, right? Right.

     One late, lonely evening, after 6 cans of Red Bull, and hours of skulking along the Internet, it comes to you. Well, actually, it pops up on one of the porn sites you've been browsing, but that's neither here nor there. Internet dating! People who are lonely, love to be on the computer, and are seeking the same things you are...what could go wrong?

You enter one of those random sites, and lo and behold, a 30 day trial membership for FREE! Yes, the computer is speaking your language tonight. Looks simple enough, set up an account, answer 50 questions to find someone who is compatible, upload a photo - ok, lets do it! Question #1 - Describe your ideal mate. Are they a) witty,often referred to as the funniest at a party b) serious,loves to read,  c) down to earth,a stay at home person , d) a party animal, loves to be the center of attention, or e) a rebel, loves to go their own way. Oh, let's go with e. Question #2 - What would you most enjoy doing on a date?  a) Night out on the town - you have to get the party started!, b) a nice candlelight dinner, then a movie, c) making dinner for that special someone, and watching a DVD in, d) a nice picnic - the outdoors is where everyone should be, or e) whatever, hey -you are easygoing. Hmm..that's a tough one. You lean towards e, put this down, then panic....wait, does that make me seem cheap, easy, or the like? Well, too late to change it now. These questions go on and on - seriously, there is one that says, If your mate had a tattoo, where would you want it to be? And the answers are waaay more graphic than you'd think. Finally, you finish. Load the one picture of yourself that does not make you wince in pain when you look at it, and voila! Complete.

     About 2 hours later, you decide to check to see if you have any nibblers. Score! You look at the picture - wait, is that a guy or girl? Is that...no it can't be...wait, yes it is - a unibrow. Are you kidding? You have 3 options - unisex unibrow, #2 - cute , but lives with parents and has NO job, and #3 - yes, needs a green card and wants to marry you, even though you have never met. Slam head into desk repeatedly. Grab the bottle of wine you were saving for the first date, and down the whole bottle. Call it a night.

     You decide to give the process a few days. Come home from work, power up Betsy (as you are that geeky to name the computer), and load the site. My! You have 10 more responses. Bring these up, rate intially by looks. Weed out the first three this way. Then look at the cute notes they have provided - ugh! Weed out two more in this process. Employed? Two more hit the chopping block. Which leaves three, and not a bad looking three at that. Ok, where do I begin? Oh, profile! Uh oh...number one is out, as on their page, state that Satan IS their lord and master. Figures. Two and three, they have possibilities. Number two is a teacher...good, divorced...can live with that, two children...yeah, ok. Seems moderately intelligent - which is a FAR cry from at least your last dozen dates. Number three is a doctor...woo hoo! New in town, looking to meet people, saw your ad, thought maybe you could show them around town on a date. Shocked, you contact both of the possibilities via email. Both respond within about an hour. You now have a Friday night, and a Saturday night date. Life is good.

     Friday rapidly approaches, and you are left with the age old quandary - first date? What the hell do we do? Since your experiences for making a first date turn into a second are sorely lacking, you consult the age old sage - your mom? Not bloody likely, as Mom will ALSO mock unrelentingly. You can't ask your friends, as they view Internet dating as one stone's throw short of the loony bin. Sigh. Who can you trust to give you the advice and answer those questions you need answered? The answer comes to you...your most trusted and reliable source, the Internet! Where to begin? You randomly search for dating advice, some seems quite smart - other pages look like they are wanting you to hook up. Not necessarily a bad idea, as you are on the mammoth of all dry spells, but think better of the idea. Ok, first up...the teacher.

     It's Friday, and what is there for two intelligent (you are including yourself in the intelligent category - for now) people to do? SCORE! A classic movie festival downtown...featuring "Casablanca", "The Maltese Falcon", and "Sabrina", as it is Humphrey Bogart night. Spectacular! You MIGHT be able to pull this off. Ahh, the movie first date - the ultimate in casual. Not forced to make horribly desperate small talk in copious amounts -  only brief, meaningless chatter. Combine this with popcorn, and a dark theater...what could go wrong?

     You agree to meet at the theater, which is also a lifesaver - as your car smells infinitely of Spot, as today was the day he needed to go to the vet. Combine this with the fact that you both shared burritos last night, and he got a bath while at the vet, and you have wet, gassy dog smell...quite the aphrodisiac. You are to meet by the ticket window. You saunter over there, and there is strike one...the online picture apparently was a bit old. The teacher has aged...considerably. Try about 15 years. Strike two...and has gained about 100 pounds since said photo. You are a dumb ass. Hell, make the best of it. What's left to do at the last minute on a Friday night? Scrabble with Mom and Dad? Bond with Spot over the latest "Jersey Shore"? Crap. Into the dark, secluded theater you go.

     The teacher (a.k.a. The Deceiver) launches into a 30 minute monologue about how classic films are a dying art form, Humphrey Bogart was one of the last classic film icons, we should feel blessed that theaters still recognize the brilliance, and show those films from time to time...blah, blah, blah. All the while munching non stop on the COLOSSAL tub of popcorn and slurping incessantly on the ...wait for it...DIET cola. You pray that no one you know will see you here, and beg for the sweet, sweet release of someone yelling "FIRE" in the crowded theater. A three movie date...who was the moron who came up with this genius idea? Oh yeah, right...that would be you. Sighing loudly, you are determined to make the best of a horrible , horrible situation.

     And...in the going from bad to worse category in 2.1 seconds, the teacher begins to get...well, a bit AMOROUS. Passes are made and deflected, arms around shoulders are deflected, grabbing of hands are mercifully slippery, due to the tub 'o corn. You excuse yourself to go to the restroom, and The Deceiver plants one on your lips...greasy, buttery, slimy...just what you have been waiting for all of your life.  You sprint towards the restroom. In your head, you are desperately mapping out escape routes and strategies. Bolt and run? Feign illness? Crawl out of the bathroom window? All seem like viable options.  However, you realize by ending the date this way, you are setting yourself up for a confrontation down the road. You call a friend...this is the same friend who set you up with drunken college streaker...who OWES you one.

     Your friend agrees to make the "escape" call in 2 minutes. You linger in the restroom, hoping to avoid a bit of the slovenly groping. Finally, you come back to the seat, and miraculously find yourself ALONE. Incredible. Your friend calls, you tell them to call back in like 10 minutes, meanwhile you wait. The Deceiver has vanished. Maybe the teacher got the subtle hint? You are slightly, inexplicably disappointed. You watch the remainder of the films, in peace, and return home. Via the online dating site, you get a message from the teacher. "I'm sorry, but this isn't going to work for me. You are too much of a tease, and are way too thin for me to find attractive. Best of luck with someone else." The Deceiver is dumping ME? Are you SERIOUS? Wow! Well, isn’t that the rub?

            So this brings us to Saturday night, and to the doctor, no less. You still have no concept of how a doctor would find you attractive, as they are more educated, most likely more put together, and went to college without being forced. Hey, you’re the lucky one for this person’s momentary lapse of judgement – let’s take full advantage of it.

...here's where I stopped. I know I had more written on this, but apparently that file is corrupt. I hope you find the humor in my little dating saga. Now that I put it out here, I have to live up to the promise to continue. Writers gotta write, dammit!

Until we meet again,

Angie

Has Angie forgotten how to Adventure? Say it ain't so, Joe.

I still adventure. Let's not think that I no longer do that.

After my big Knoxville summer adventure, I came home. I felt a little sad. It was an awesome opportunity for me. Yet, I missed all my friends. My family is fabulous, but my friends?!?!? So many of them are so much more than just my friends. I feel like they are family. I support their ups and downs as they do mine. One of my greatest gifts is my emotional connection to other people. It's one of those things that makes me who I am.

The other thing is the writer within my soul. That's why I started this blog in the first place - to share my thoughts and observations on life, my poetry, my stories - all of it. I fully embrace all my craziness. I struggle. Just like any other person. I had to get help this year. I hit rock bottom. I felt distraught and disillusioned. I tried to get back to me. I fought hard. I needed help at times, and when I reached out, my friends were there. You may ask why I didn't go to my family. It is not a slight against them in any way. I felt like a big failure. A rug got yanked from under me, and I fell apart. I won't talk about the details because they are not important. The thing to know is that I had a period of time taking me all the way back to the person I had fought like hell to not be anymore. I was in essence broken inside. I woke up, I went to work, I put on this mask of being OK, I came home at night, I ate dinner, and I went to bed. This was my existence. One hell of a crappy life. I thought something was wrong with me.

Little by little, I peeked out at my existence, and I knew I had to change. For me. No one else. I had to decide if I was going to sit and wallow or if I was going to make myself better. The first thing that had to come was a change. The coordinator position could NOT have come at a better time. I was scared  -sure, but I like what I do. I hate the stress that comes with it, but I like the general tasks of my job. That's a fair way to say it. I am overwhelmed currently, but like anything else, I will take the challenge head on and give it all I've got. The depression held on longer than I would have liked it to so I asked my doctor for help there. Medication is not a horrible thing. When it's to make that sadness and worthlessness leave, it's completely worth it.

So here I am. 6 months into the coordinator position. Kind of a checkpoint for me. I feel good much of the time. I do have days where it overtakes me and the stress and anxiety become front and center. Today I had a bit of that. I had a reason for that from a memory that came up in my timeline. I let myself feel a bit of anger that I needed to feel. I let it go. It doesn't matter anymore. And guess what? When you feel like that, reaching out to the right people really helps your mood. Couple of nameless folks gave me support whether they knew they were or not. People who make me laugh? Priceless.

Spending all summer in Knoxville was a huge adventure. It was rewarding. I missed out on a lot at home though. This is not the end of the world. My life is far from over, and I have so many more things to experience. I want to have fun. I want to know some folks better. I want to continue to be me. That is the most important. I came out of my shell. I learned how to talk to people better. I made wonderful friends in Knoxville. I made wonderful friends at home. I still have times where I struggle. I have times when I do not want to be around people at all. No talking. It's OK though.

Where do I go from here? I am honestly not sure. I have put a lot of heart and soul into my writing lately. It's who I am, and I had forgotten that connection of writing and coping. In my notes section of my Facebook page, there are several poems I wrote, as well as a few in the blog here. I have several that came from my first divorce. The one I reposted today had nothing to do with that. It was just the very first poem I ever wrote. It still makes me proud today. The other poem that I am proud beyond measure is this one. I wrote it when I was struggling with making a decision in my second marriage to leave or go. It's powerful, and I put it out there to let anyone know if you are abused - mentally, physically  - you don't have to take it. You deserve more.

Casting eyes downward,

She avoids the gaze of others.

Questions she is not ready for,

She draws the strength inside her,

Making painful decisions.

A bag of her belongings on the floor,

She is on the run again,

Alone in her car.

A sanctuary where she escapes

A place that has no judgment.

She has become skilled at hiding,

Makeup camouflages her shame.

Outwardly, she appears unscathed

Hardly a flaw shows.

Inside, her soul is shattered.

No one knows or suspects

The control executed.

She becomes a child without opinion,

Without value.

She feels very small.

Looking in the mirror,

When did it happen?

She can be beautiful and vivacious,

Yet this part has been stolen,

Invisibility and worthlessness remain.

Her true nature screams inside,

Pushing, clawing, seething,

Reminding her that she is worth it.

She must break free,

End the cycle.

It has been too long

Since she felt pretty,

Since she was desired,

Since intimacy played a role.

She is merely subservient.

He makes her decisions,

He allows no compromise,

Expecting a slave from their union,

Friends cease to exist,

He exerts total control.

She knows this must end,

Living this way is insane,

But the fear is just below the surface.

It can explode at a moment’s notice,

And claim her in the fallout.

Run.

You have the power.

You have the strength.

You are more than this,

And you are worth it.

Much love to all of you, my friends. Today's lesson is to be yourself always. Life is filled with ups and downs, but it is how we cope that makes us who we are.

Until we meet again,
Angie

Lucky 7 in Tennessee

This has been one of the most rewarding and remarkable experiences of my life.

I am in week number 7 in Knoxville, which is to be my last week with Accenture. What an incredible journey. Not only did I develop a wonderful relationship with an IL colleague - I got to know some pretty terrific people from Accenture along the way.

I have watched these folks learn the crazy product we call HMO and develop from the first day we did claims - where each of them looked at me like I had 3 heads. It's a learning process, as I remind them daily. No one comes out of the gate knowing it all. I remember not being good at claims when I started my career at BCBSIL, but I never stopped trying, never stopped wanting to know why. That curiosity led me to become a Customer Advocate Specialist. My desire to find  a way to work around errors and problem solve, to make the puzzle pieces fit - well, that led me to my current position of HMO Coordinator. When I saw this position and the possibility of travel, I jumped at it. I thought that going around in Illinois would be fantastic. I never dreamt of an opportunity such as this.

I watch each of them learn and grow with each passing day and I find myself feeling like a proud mama. It truly shows on someone's face the moment they "get it". A few still struggle yet, but the most important part? They haven't stopped trying. I'm here to tell my Knoxville family - don't ever give up. It's much like life. The things that are worth the most are the things we work hardest for. It will come.

So many personalities in one room. I started out in a room full of strangers, and now Justin, Joe, DeAnna, Shara, Amanda, Cathe, Stephanie, Frank, Kathy, Bethany, Teagan, Chris, Taharin, Missie, Nazeem,  T'Keyah, and Milo - you are part of my extended family. I am blessed to have gotten to know you all. You made me feel incredibly welcome and cared about. I won't ever forget this time we shared together. I've seen you grow and develop. Liz and I laid the foundation for you - now you go and make it your own.

Thank you to Chris Gambill, Katharine, the Accenture security(who I got acquainted with daily), the Accenture IT people (my Monday laptop hookups), the Manila team- Al, Maryann and Mai (thanks for your support!), and Paul (Midwest people rock!). Every one of you contributes to this team in some way, and the team effort will lead to a successful result.

I had some adventure along the way - which if you know me at all, you know this is a prerequisite. I've seen Pigeon Forge, Gatlinburg, Chattanooga, - checked a second state off my list (North Carolina), been through Cade's Cove in the Smoky Mountains National Park and hiked a treacherously steep path to Clingman's Dome (had to catch my breath many times) and experienced the Lost Sea. I had a lovely day with Chris Stevens to the casino, then an accidental trip down the Dragon that we will never forget. My tummy is queasy thinking about it. Chris introduced me to McKays- this is a GINORMOUS used book, DVD, CD and video game store. Can you say heaven?? The only thing that would have made it perfect would have been a Starbucks inside. Hell, I had to have the trainer "hold" my books until this trip because I would have never, ever made weight.

So many restaurants. Food choices are abundant here. This probably will involve a bit of hard work at home to go back to normal...eh, it was totally worth it. A wide variety of adult beverages may have been consumed also. One of those job hazards you hear about. I say - while in Knoxville, do as the Knoxvillians would do. There is this highway called Alcoa, but referred to as Al- killya. That road I will not miss, as I must venture on it daily. The hot tub at the hotel is quite lovely to relax in at night. I take a book down and read and soak. I've hung out at Market Square, and gave a valiant effort to eat at all the available choices there.

I gave my family praise above, but three need a wee bit more. To Liz Taylor, I say - you are a fantastic individual. The effort you put forth for this class shines through in waves. These processors are blowing out of the water the initial expectations set forth for them. You related to these folks on a personal level, and truly cared. It speaks volumes for you as a professional. To add to that, I am glad to say I got to know you better and enjoyed the heck out of the adventures we shared. I will contact you on that flow chart we discussed so I know where I am (inside joke). Thank you for letting me be your sidekick.

To Rob - you are an amazing lead, and Accenture is fortunate to have you. Thanks for directing me to the best places to eat and making sure that I always had everything I needed to do my job. I will miss hearing the stories of your family. I am sure that your wife and your daughter are wonderful people. I hope you continue to grow and excel with Accenture in the future, as you deserve all the success in the world. I'd love to come back and visit again, and you are a large part of that.

Scarecrow- I think I'll miss you most of all. To my Tenacious D friend, Dale- I am glad we became friends. I don't know who I will play musicals trivia with, but I am sure that they won't be Musicals King of the World like you. You made my time here fun, and were kind enough to let me hang out with your family, which was endless amusement for me. You, Josh, and your brother remind me of the cruder version of the Three Stooges. Plus - puppies! I got to hold the fluffy, smooshy puppies! NYC is calling you, Dale.

The Moose hat made me cry, and I love the card. I will miss you all very much. Please keep in touch with me. Thanks for making me remember why I love my job. My friends at home thank you for letting me return. It is inevitable that we will meet again. I am so blessed to have been a part of your world.

Until we meet again,
Angie

Gone to Knoxville in 60 Seconds

I feel so grown up.

This was always one of my dreams. I wanted a job that allowed me to travel. To adventure. To show the world - hey, this is Angie and I am a force to be reckoned with. I am no one's bitch. I finally get to do that. I will be in Knoxville, Tennessee for approximately four weeks as the support for an HMO claims class.

I am excited and nervous all at once. This is going to be my first foray into something bigger. I thought when I first became a Coordinator this year that it was as big as it was going to get. I like being a Coordinator for the puzzle solving aspect of it. Is it frustrating? You betcha. Do I go home exhausted many a day? Absolutely. Do I shut off some nights wanting nothing to do with people or conversation or thinking? More often than not. In that same breath though, I thank God for not having to deal with escalation calls and getting screamed at. I am not a confrontational person. People that are mad about claims not getting paid can be cruel. I have taken as many as four escalation calls in one day. My adopted brother Andy holds the record with six in one day. That is insane. I have been called names, told I was a liar - even one time being wished I had cancer so that "I knew how it felt." Fuck that. Being angry is one thing. Wishing a terminal illness on another person - that's uncalled for.

I think though that I am ready to do this. I will take ahold of the opportunity with both hands and share what is sure to be the experience of a lifetime. I will share my travels and quirky stories with my friends and family. I will be the adventurer that I have grown to be. I might not be perfect, I may have much to learn in this life, but I am looking forward to the challenge.

At times it may seem that I am destined to walk a solitary path in life. Even the person who is leading the solitary life is never alone. We carry those who are most important to us in our hearts. All we need is a sail to catch the wind and lead us where we are supposed to go. I never said I didn't need anyone. I need, just like anyone else, someone to listen when I need to talk. Someone to watch a movie, tv show, or sporting event with. Someone to remind me when I'm feeling low that I matter in this world. I might act like I don't, but those who really know me and care know better. I also know that I would do anything for those I care about in the same need.

So, thanks for listening as always. My excitement can't be contained tonight, and I really wanted to talk and be heard. Join me for some fun.

Until we meet again,
Angie

You Didn't Hatch From an Egg

Happy Mother's Day to all of you celebrating or not celebrating. Some people don't have their mommas or are estranged from them for whatever reason. No judgement. A special thanks to those single dads and single moms that played both to your kids. Respect.

As always, I tell no one's story but my own. It might be Mother's Day, but I have the privilege of having Jess as my daughter. I am blessed. Not everyone has a great relationship with their child. She is a reason I exist. When I get sad or lonely, I think of her. When I struggled to pay my bills, she was the reason I got up every day and went to work. She was the reason I found affordable adventures for us. It's never truly a road trip until you get lost, and I seemed to fulfill that each and every time.

I reveled in the crazy fun her friends brought to my home. I was loved for being who I was. I struggled heavily with my self image after my first divorce. Those girls included me, and I was grateful. I lost a lot of weight. I pushed myself to be normal. I took a chance and had a second failed marriage. But, through it all, Jess supported me. She wanted me to be happy. Her encouragement, along with others, brought me to where I am today.

So I think we don't necessarily celebrate just Mom. We celebrate that relationship, good or bad, that helped shape who we are. Those that have a poor relationship with Mom, or maybe none at all...you're still celebrating something. The person that gave you life that due to whatever issue you have still contributed to who you are. Now, your Mom may suck. However, if you turned out fabulous despite her, or to prove her wrong - celebrate that instead of her.

I had to share my random thoughts with you today. I am celebrating life. I wake up, I get out of bed - sometimes reluctantly - to face what the world has to offer me. I don't always like what I get, but in this life, I think most things happen for a reason. Some days are truly awful. Some make the smile shine through your whole being. I hope for more of the latter.

Today count your blessings. Eat that cake. Drink that drink. Take that chance. It's the celebration of birth and where we come from. Love to you all.

Until we meet again,
Angie

Beer, Boys, Whiskey and Retrograde Women

I realized something last week.

I have a defense mechanism. When I am overwhelmed by the world, I do what I need to do to not focus on my pain. Instead, I take on someone else's issue. I focus my anger, frustration, and sadness into someone else's problem. I bury that depression for as long as I can. I do strengthen from being alone, but the pain sometimes is enormous. I want to say that I'm healthy and I handle my depression in an appropriate manner. Key is, I want to say that. I don't.

I am not as strong as you think I am sometimes. You may inadvertently hurt my feelings, and people have. What I need from you is honesty and caring. Don't lie. I have zero tolerance for being lied to. Every time I've been hurt, I hear - oh, time heals all wounds. That's a cop out. It doesn't heal them. You still bear the scars from that hurt, and you carry it as baggage. It's when that baggage lessens that we can truly move on. The time when you focus on other things.

Tell me what you really want to say. Don't sugarcoat it. I'd respect you more.

I like to believe that I am one of a kind. Oddball? Yes. As kind as I seem? Yes. It's not an act or a game. I believe in karma - therefore I try to treat everyone as I wish to be treated. Do I have harsh moments? Well, fuck yes. Every person does. Sarcasm is also a coping mechanism for me. If I am uncomfortable, I use humor - often sarcastic humor- to distract.

I know I've talked about depression before, but today I mention this because I asked for help. I was scared of the emotional roller coaster I was on.  Turns out my thyroid was whacked out. I still blame the retrograde for the wicked, wicked infusion of negativity and generally shitty feelings for that timeframe. Yeah, yeah- believe what you want. I believe what I want. I have much experience in oddball stuff with zero explanation for it, so whatever.

This is the year that I figure it all out. Instead of Clarissa, I hope that it's Angie explaining it all. This is unlikely, I'm sure. I know a little about a lot of things. But...I know nothing about certain things. Naive, clueless...at times. The opposite sex? You all are a mystery to me. I have guy friends and seriously? You fellas do NOT give good insight. I kid. I think you guys are great, and when you listen to me, it means a lot.

Things to do this year? Well...
Long road trip- maybe a several day drive. Windows down, music cranked, celebration of life.
St Louis - I need a willing accomplice. I fully intend to go to the City Museum again.
New things. I need to expand my world. I don't put anything past me. (Except no jumping from planes, at least not intentionally)
Concert? Possibly
I am such a spur of the moment gal. I could decide tomorrow that I am going away next weekend to Timbuktu and just do it. I have. ( Not Timbuktu, and when I have the funds to do so). And now? I have a passport...look out!
Always time to listen to new music, new podcasts or watch new shows.(all of the latter today, as a matter of fact. I have to say - some things are especially amusing)
And damn it...I am going back to Wizard Quest at the Dells. I enjoyed that. Solving puzzles, looking for clues in a fantasy world?? Well, they don't call me Geek Girl for nothing.

I share things, but I don't uber share. I'm sure you all know someone who does. There are still some things I do not tell. Not to anyone. Some stuff has to remain private. Just trying every day to survive this thing called life with as few scars as I can, and live it to its fullest. Do I drink? I do. I'm not Mary Poppins. Life isn't a damn spoonful of sugar all the time. But...I can also do without it. That's the key. I know how much I can have. I've learned the hard way of when to stop.

I don't like to feel that I need someone to talk to. You have your own lives. But, as I was reminded by a dear friend of mine, that's what friends are for. You might not see each other all the time, but guess what? Still here. This goes both ways. I am here if you need to talk. To vent. Or just to talk about life driving around in a car all night. I'm your gal. The people that I am especially addressing know, or should darn well know this. I'm a pro of switching to someone else's issues, so I can read those of you  who hold things inside.

Always a purpose with me and my blog. This week- depression is very real. It's very scary, and she fights like a bitch. Has one hell of a sucker punch. Don't be afraid to ask for help. It doesn't make you weak. It shows that you want to fight back. That you don't give up that easily. People care. You will always be missed if something happened to you. It's caused by a lot of things, and sometimes you don't get better without help. Never give up.


Things are looking up, my lovelies.

Until we have the privilege of meeting again,
Angie

More Lessons? Will the Learning Ever Stop?

What a week.

I am 3 weeks into my new job. I like it, but will admit that it is stressful. I want to shut off at the end of the day. Just off. No words. No deep thoughts. Just off. Now, anyone who knows me even a little bit knows my mind is on 24-7. I try to go to bed early to try to alleviate said stress and I make more. It goes a little bit like this:

*opens eye* 11 pm - Body:I'm tired - go back to sleep,  Stress: Hey girl - what's up? Mind: Are you two kidding me right now?*after 30 minutes, dozes off*

*opens eye* 1 am -  Body: Knock it off! Stress: Let's discuss your love life and why it sucks, Mind: If I fall asleep right now, I will still get a few hours in. *tosses and turns, falls asleep 45 minutes later*

*opens both eyes* 3 am - Body: I hurt everywhere, are we seriously going to do this? Stress: Let's think about what's wrong with you, and why you can't get along with certain people. Mind: Fuuuuck! Now I have to pee. *Gets up, uses the bathroom. Checks phone. Thinks about work for tomorrow. Goes on for about 30 minutes. Falls back into a deep sleep*

4:15 AM - Guess what? Let's get up! *Body, Stress, and Mind all give the alarm clock the middle finger*

Yeah, it's a nightly dance I perform called life. Good stuff.
On to the lessons.

I have discovered a few things:
1) If you watch Arrow and Flash before bed, you have some pretty amazing Superhero type dreams. Might be why I keep waking up in a pile of covers like I'm thrashing around in bed. Trust me, there is  no other reason involved.

2)Alcohol is a pleasant thing. I'm not saying I need it every night - exactly. A few glasses of wine relaxes me. Several glasses makes me happy. Shots make me stupid. Wine is good, vodka is better, rum is ok, but tends to give me a headache. Tequila- well, that's the liquor that makes bad Angie come out. This is why margaritas tend to be no more than two. Whiskey- various unpredictable reactions. Drunk Angie = honest Angie. Once I've had a few, I no longer have a filter.

3)Singing in the car makes me happy. Kareoke after a few drinks also makes me happy. I suck far less than I thought. No one booed and threw things at me. Granted, it was Jimmie, Linda, and I - but if you really suck, you can gage it from your friends' reactions.

4)I am way proud of myself for taking my Minnesota trip. I am ok being alone, but I had spent the past couple birthdays with a companion. I like hanging with people, don't get me wrong - but this was a me trip. Time to recharge. To remember I am kind of a cool chick. I'm not a troll. People like me for  being myself, being real.

5)I like to send people things to make them smile. Or laugh. It makes me happy. I don't do this for everyone, mind you. I have some folks that are way more than just friends to me. You all mean the world to me, and I hope it shows.

6)Every day that I think my daughter is done surprising me, she goes one step higher. This girl - she doesn't settle for the ordinary. She fought hard to get to where she is, and now? New job, higher pay. Go get 'em, Jess! That's my girl. I am so freaking proud of you and humbled to be your mom and your friend.

7)Coffee is my soulmate. The amount of caffeine I can handle astonishes even me.

8)I won't be supermodel material tomorrow. I know- shocker! If I want to lose weight, I will. I just want to be healthy, happy, and cared about. If I have a few extra pounds, it isn't the end of the world. All women, no matter what their size, are beautiful. I think the body is amazing and I like art of the body- male, female - doesn't matter. Women with curves are sexy. Guys with a belly are sexy. To me, it's the eyes, your smile, your sense of humor - the whole package. Never drawn to just one type.

9)Dealing with your ex husband is not enjoyable. I'd rather not. I also know why with 100% certainty why we are no longer married. I personally believe that marriage isn't a necessary component.
I've had two. I don't see the point of three. If you want to be with someone, it is your choice. A relationship is only as good as the communication in it. Are you friends? Do you like any of the same things? Do you enjoy sex? If something good happens to you, is this the person you want to share it with? Do they make you smile? If you can't say yes, then maybe that's not what you need. I couldn't be with someone if I can't share things with them. It is possible to connect with someone and never have a marriage.

10)I still love to write. I always will.

So yes, once again the self proclaimed Geek Girl learns more about life and such. And shares with you...you poor, poor suckers. Only kidding.

Much love until we meet again-

Angie

Huxley Never Had This Vision

Whole new world.

This promotion stuff is good. It's interesting. I have more freedom, I don't have to talk to the mean people about their created drama (granted, some escalation calls truly serve a purpose. Most do not). I can bask in the glow of the quiet - which I love. I'm a little scared and nervous, but I think that's true with anything different. I just feel all these emotions inside as of late. I mostly hold it inside. Am I thinking of my own mortality? I don't know.  I hate it - this feeling of thinking I don't matter. I know I do when I take a minute and think rationally, but sometimes you go to that dark place down the rabbit hole. The place where you're completely alone. It feels like no one is gonna pull you out of that hole. They have their own lives.

Now that's a bit ridiculous, I do admit. I've touched lives. I know this. Depression comes and goes, and sometimes you just need to talk. I'm a person who trusts few with the deep stuff. If I'm telling you stuff that's feelings related, you're in my inner circle. I've been burned more than once. I've been hurt physically and emotionally. You have coping mechanisms that come into play. Don't get too close - because the minute you trust, the football is getting yanked. Or at least, I feel that from time to time.

I am telling you all this for a purpose. It is a) not to feel sorry for me.
I am sad right now - yes. But will it pass? Yes it will.
And b) everyone gets sad. It's normal. It's when you can't talk about it, or sweep it under the rug that there's a problem. I don't want to die. I matter in this world. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

It's gonna be ok. I'm gonna be ok. So many folks feel like they aren't. No matter how bad you have it - someone else has it worse. Guaranteed. If that job falls through, if your crush doesn't like you back, if someone talks shit behind your back - so what? I've seen friends beaten to the point of serious brain injury, I've lost a family member to an industrial accident suddenly, and I've seen kids and animals that are starving or being abused. You're not alone. You're never alone. There is always someone who cares. Someone who wil reach down that hole with all of their strength until they pull you out.

You are loved. You are a force in this world. You will figure out your purpose. If you are meant to be with someone you will. If you aren't, that's ok too. Life is a precious, precious gift. Don't waste it.

Love each other always.

An Upside Down Tale in a Right Side Up World

Well, dear friends, this is my short story. I enjoyed writing this, so I hope you enjoy reading it equally as well. I truly believe that I was meant to write. Please feel free to share your opinions with me - good or bad. You can private message if you feel like you can't comment for the majority to see. As always, thanks for your support in all that I do.




The sky turned green, less like a shamrock but more the color of someones skin right before they manage to lose their lunch. I watched his eyes scan his surroundings, giving the facade of cool. He was like Sinatra at the Sands with the Rat Pack. As always, the epitome of calm. He fascinated me.

I was one to panic. My palms sweat, my body quivers, I tend to stammer - no one 

could ever mistake me for suave. Yet, a storm chaser was all I had ever wanted to do. Something about the pinnacle of anxiety gave me that rush, almost sexual in nature. As my fears rise, it is like I am reaching that orgasmic frenzy that only sex can give me. It's shockingly close.

I began to feel the air change as it stilled. My girl was coming. Tornadoes to me were always girls. They were temperamental, unpredictable, moody - and could potentially be life sucking bitches. I had followed her from Topeka. She started out small, teasing me. She gradually enveloped the unstable air, and grew exponentially. Starting out as a F1, my girl was now an upper F3 on her way to be a sure F4. 

My storm chasing partner was a lifer. He can't imagine doing anything but this for the rest of his life. I liked the rush, but someday I would settle down - leave the life of "luxury" - aka sleeping in a camper, eating meals out of cans or crappy diners. 

Until then, I slept as it allowed during twister season. Winters usually found me studying weather anomalies for the next season. I was fortunate as my father left me money when he passed. It wasn't a fortune by any sense of the word, but I survived without a second job.

"Tessa!" My cohort snapped me out of my daydream. "We need to go. We need to go...NOW." As I came back to reality, I saw her. My girl, now a healthy robust F4, was taking a turn. This turn was not common, as generally they never double back. Not today. I could see her sister, off to the left, headed on a collision course for my girl. Not good. Dual vortexes usually spelled dangerous trouble. Worse yet, now they were headed right for us. James, usually the cool headed one, was now in panic mode.

I went into automatic pilot as I had done before. Jumped in the driver's seat, threw the gearshift in reverse, and dropped the pedal to the floor. I was anxious, but felt so alive. Had James offered sex at that moment, we would have been sweaty in that camper until I screamed out his name. Jesus. I was so turned on.

"Are we gonna make it?" James screamed in my ear. I looked at the twins whirling and twirling, growing in size and velocity. My rational side said no, we could not beat the speed of these ladies. However, I said, "I didn't come this far to back down. Hang on!" I spun the wheel, and did a 180 to my right. It was going to be awfully close. It wasn't just the speed. It was if they knew we were interlopers on their turf.

The sound a twister makes as it bears down on you is something you never, ever forget. So often people describe it as the sound of a freight train. I get that, but I liken it more to the sound you hear with open car windows driving at 100 miles per hour - trust me, I know. Storm chasing was the career I stumbled on after race car driver and ambulance driver. I was the go to gal in this sort of situation, because I could handle any vehicle well in any situation. Well, I used to be able to say that. Until the twins got what they wanted. 

The back end of the camper caught the edge of the smaller vortex and lifted us into the air. James, who never managed to wear his seat belt, was sucked out the passenger window. It was like a horror movie moment. I heard him scream briefly, then just the sound of the tornado. I just held the wheel and closed my eyes. Daddy, your baby is coming. Round and round I went, then boom! 

I cautiously opened my eyes. I expected to see ruins everywhere, nothing left standing. I was not prepared for this. 

Beings of a shade of blue surrounded the vehicle. They had human features - kind of. All were lovely, but asexual. I was unable to tell if there was a distinction between male and female. Hair was an androgynous style, faces with full lips and eyelashes for days was all I saw. A tall one came to my door. It spoke.

"Be not afraid. We mean you no harm. We are just curious, as you look so different from us." I stared into the greenish gold eyes, and felt oddly at peace. I opened my door, and stepped out of the camper. My new friend put its arms around me, in a warm embrace. "You are beautiful. We wish you joy," my benefactor whispered in my ear. I felt what may have been its arousal on my leg. Interesting.

I was taken to a place of wonder. It seemed as if everything here was colorful, and full of passion. In a room off to the side, bodies enjoyed the pleasures of one another. I'd call it an orgy back home, but here it seemed a religious experience. Hands touching, lips kissing,organs intermingled...my desires seemed heightened. I found myself longing to be one of the participants. I became wet with desire. Oddly, my benefactor sensed it. 

The fingers stroked the small of my back, and it whispered in my ear, "I can satisfy your desire." Its lips kissed my neck, as the  hands fondled my breasts. I should be protesting, but somehow, I was more erotically charged than normal. I allowed myself to be touched. A second set of lips kissed the insides of my thighs. I closed my eyes, and felt wave upon wave of orgasm take my body. I might not know what these things were, but my body responded to them sexually.

After a few hours, I came out of the sexual fog I was in, and got up from being intertwined with my benefactor. I put my clothes on, and went wandering in this new world. Trees, skies, ground...it was all different. The sky was a greenish blue, the ground burgundy, trees purple...where was I?

I stood in the street, and heard it. "Tessa. Come inside." I went to the doorway of the large green building, opened the door, and went inside. A tall blue person looked at me and said, "The mayor is waiting for you." I peered down what was an enormous hallway and ventured forth. Floor to ceiling mirrors surrounded me, a green light cast a glow all around. Apparently I was not in Kansas anymore.

An oddly dressed little person stood before me at the end of the hallway. "Tessa, I assume?" I nodded my head, stunned by all that I had seen and was seeing. "Come now, don't dawdle. The mayor very seldom grants an audience." I followed quickly behind tiny legs, afraid I'd trip over my own feet and smash this poor soul. 

The room I found myself in was massive. If I yelled, I was sure to hear my voice echo back. In the center of the room was a large throne, glittering with emeralds and diamonds. In the seat, a black and white cat sat, staring at me. The cat looked as if it knew something and wanted to share it with me. The little person left me standing before the cat and exited the room. I wondered if this were the mayor's pet. Looking into its eyes, I was startled to hear the cat say, "You know it isn't polite to stare." My jaw dropped. 

"I..I am sorry. It's just...well, in my world, cats don't talk," I stammered. The cat's eyes got large, and appeared to have a smirk on its face. "Maybe you just aren't listening. Ever think of that? We all speak the same language, just harder to hear in some places," the cat said, a hint on disdain in its voice. 

"As you should have guessed by now, I am the mayor. I am Mr Buttons." I suppressed a giggle. Mr Buttons fixed me with a withering stare. "You seem awfully amused for one whose fate lies in my paws." He pulled a pipe from the side table. Looking at me, he lit up and took a puff.  "Catnip? I smoke only the purest blend." Once again, I choked back a laugh. Mr Buttons narrowed his eyes to slits. Clearly I had angered him.

  

"You pathetic woman! I command respect. I think some time in isolation will change your attitude," Mr Buttons spat. Suddenly I was surrounded in large blue beings, but these were definitely of the male persuasion, unless every being here has giant muscles and a bulge in their pants. I was unceremoniously picked up, and taken to the isolation room.

The room was dark and dank, no windows at all. It was rather small, with a single bed in the corner, and bathroom facilities midroom. Apparently privacy didn't apply in this prison, which I always thought I was too cute for. Great job, Tessa. Your mouth always gets you into trouble. I flopped down on the bed and stared at a nondescript ceiling. What was I going to do? Apparently Mr Buttons was angry from being laughed at from what he viewed as a far lesser being. But really...Mr Buttons? Smoking catnip like it is hash? My mind is in sensory overload. 

In the corner across from me, I saw a shimmer of light. But there wasn't anything there, and there was little light in this room to begin with. What was that? About ten seconds later, I saw it again. When the flash of light happened, the air around it glowed and had a translucent quality to it. 

The air then popped with little shiny sparks being emitted from nowhere. I saw a hand reach through, then a leg, and a small purple body popped out of the air. 

"Discombobulated way to travel. Gadzooks!" I stared at this tiny purple being. It had giant green eyes, 4 fingers on each hand, a large round belly, and it wore a topcoat. It carried an umbrella in its hand. "Tessa, I am Xanical. I am a traveler between dimensions. I saw you get sucked into this dimension and I followed you here. I know you humans have no concept of this. I figured you might need help."

Looking down into the green eyes, I felt kindred to this creature. I did not feel the sexual attraction as I had to the blue beings. I felt as if I knew Xanical. The guards in the corridor stirred. "Xanical! You have to go. They can't find you here,"

I hissed in a stage whisper. "Nonsense! The plane you see me in is singular to you. No one else. They cannot see me. The only one that can sense me, other than you, is Mr Buttons. The only reason he can do that is that he exists on nine planes at once. You know how you have always heard that cats have nine lives? It's kind of true - but they are concurrent. They are not sequential, " Xanical explained. Incredible. 

"How do I get home? Is Mr Buttons the only one who can send me home?" Xanical scratched his head. "I am not sure. The manner in which I travel between dimensions is something I have never seen a human do. The way you ended up here was a rip in the dimensional wall. The force of the tornadoes together did this. You know that tornadoes of that magnitude are rare, the combination of the two together is like winning the lottery. I am trying to fathom a way to get you home. Hopefully without having to curry Mr Buttons' favor." His huge green eyes looked solemn. I knew that Xanical was concerned. That worried me a bit.

One of the big blue bumbling guards appeared at the door, a tray of sustenance in his hands. "Insignificant life form! Mayor Buttons has taken pity on you. Here is something to keep you from starving." I was given a bowl of oatmeal looking food that seemed to possess a glue like quality. A glass of green juice was also on the tray. I took the tray and sat back on the bed. The guard lumbered away, and Xanical spoke. "What in the universe is that swill? Disgusting!" I looked at him and said, "I know, but as you said, you don't know if I can travel in your manner. The sister tornadoes of F5 levels is a never event. Keeping Mr Buttons happy might be my only shot at going home." Taking a spoonful of the oatmeal mush, I plugged my nose and swallowed. The words chalky and bitter would have been kind as to what this was. Nasty. I took a sip of the green juice. Thick. Marshy. Vomit. These are all the good things I can say about it. 

"Tessa, don't give up hope. I am going to ask a few other beings on this. Give me 24 hours. I promise I will be back." Xanical slowly faded into the air with more shimmering light. Once again, I found myself alone in the dank cell. Home, such that it was, was looking pretty amazing right now. If I ever made it back, my life was going to change. Period. No more storm chasing. No more coasting through life. I was in a sentimental mood as Mr. Buttons came to the cell door.

"Well, pathetic human. Have you changed your tune? I am feeling a bit forgiving at the moment. I suspect it was the catnip." I looked at Mr Buttons, and figured I had best try to get along. " Oh yes, Mayor Buttons, sir. I am truly sorry for mocking you in the manner I did. I beg your forgiveness, " I replied, looking remorseful. 

His eyes narrowed. "Even though I suspect this a weak attempt to placate me, I have a proposition for you. A favor, if you will, " Mr. Buttons rubbed against my legs. At home, this would be a cat showing affection. Here, I wasn't quite sure what it meant. I shivered uncomfortably.

"I need someone to find Socks," Mr Buttons looked at me with a knowing look. My mind spun. Socks? Socks? Like the kind you wear? "Whhhaaat exactly is socks?" I stammered. "Silly human. Socks is a who, not a what. Socks is my daughter. She is very independent and headstrong. Her mother died shortly after she was born. She was pampered in every way imaginable. Last year, she ran away. I have had the kingdom searched high and low for her, to no avail," he said, a bit of sadness in his voice. "We have a new lead though."

My head began to spin. How could I find anyone, a being completely out of my own dimension? Mr. Buttons was clearly insane. 

"Relax, human. I'm not sending you on an uncharted course. I believe Socks to be with humans, such as yourself, in the next locality over. You may be able to reason with her. Being a mere...pet. How is that a way to live? She is my legacy. Once I pass on all planes, she will take her rightful place as queen. That is, if you can convince her to come home. Or shall I say... ONCE you convince her to return home." I shuddered at the last statement. It seems my release is contingent on my bringing Socks home. Great. 

I was taken from the grey dankness of prison, and brought to a room filled with more clothes than I had ever seen in my life. Strange for a land with blue people and cats as rulers, but who was I to judge? There may have been human inhabitants prior to the current situation, or - and I hesitated to consider the alternative - maybe these are clothes from prisoners? If that was the case - where did they go? Not something I wished to ponder long. A tall blue being approached me, voice decidedly feminine.

"Miss Tessa? Mr Buttons insisted that we do something about your clothing. He referred to it as homeless chic...he can be so cruel sometimes. Please call me Bix. My full name is much more than I would ever wish for anyone to learn," my blue companion smiled. Her eyes were unusual. The color was best described as pink sparkles - not like the eyes of an albino being in any way. Her blue hands expertly manipulated a tape measure, measuring my waist, my hips, and my breasts. I was not thin, but not overly large. I liked to think of myself as curvy, which had always been the consensus from my boyfriends. They (not that there were many) always liked that little extra to hold onto. Plus, I ate like a guy, which seemed to be a plus. 

"I think this dress will fit just fine," Bix replied after surveying the selection with an expert eye. I took it from her hands and looked at it carefully. The top was fitted, with a flowing skirt. I slipped it on, and it was as if it were made for me. Blacks, greys, and whites gave it a geometric pattern which complimented my figure perfectly. "It's amazing, Bix. I don't think I have ever looked so nice before." She looked at me and smiled. "You look like her, you know." My mind raced. Her? 

"I sense your questions, Tessa. Let me explain. Mr Buttons was himself once a pet, as was his mother, as was his grandmother, and so on. My race brought Mr Buttons here. We've watched Earth for an immense amount of time. We have sought a fair and just ruler to lead us. Mr Buttons' ancestor was the pet of your grandmother Amelia. She was kind and beautiful. She treated everyone with importance and respect. Amelia was our choice to come be our leader. We were set to open a dimensional portal when we watched her love for your father. The love was pure and unconditional. Your father was a sickly baby and suffered with a great deal of colic. Amelia rocked him for hours upon hours, rubbing his chest with peppermint oil, sitting near a kettle on the stove to try to soothe her son. She never once complained. Never once. Mr Buttons's ancestor, Bootsie, loved that wee mite as well. Bootsie would curl up next to baby and keep him safe and warm. The thought of taking Amelia from your father was too much to bear. I myself was the deciding vote against," Bix revealed. I looked at her with shock. How? How could that be? 

"Imagine my surprise to see your face today, Tessa. I think maybe it's a little bit fated that you be the one sucked up into the vortex. Amelia shines through you like a diamond. You are definitely her grandchild." I smiled. Grandma Amelia was my guiding light. My mother passed away when I was small, and she cared for me when my father's grief enveloped him. She was my confidante, my friend, and a magician all wrapped into one. I instantly knew if anyone could be connected to this world, it would be her. I also knew that she would not have rested until Socks was safe at home. 

"Tessa, I don't have many powers left, as old as I am, but I want you to see this. I thought your grandmother was the most incredible person I had ever seen. You deserve a glimpse of who she was," Bix murmured. She touched my temple ever so gingerly. "Close your eyes, Tessa." I closed them, and it was if a television was playing in my head. There was my grandmother, holding my father and singing to him. She appeared to be so peaceful. I would swear if I didn't know better that my grandmother was an angel. It would not have surprised me to see wings wrapped around the two of them. This was young Amelia. I began to openly weep. 

"Oh child, don't cry. I didn't show you to make you sad. Just to show you her incredible nature. Also, to remind you that her many gifts live on. In you." Once again, I smiled. "Bix, thank you. My heart is indeed happy." She hugged me, and left the room. I put on a pair of shoes, embracing both comfort and style and proceeded on my way.

The road was well paved, brick of an indeterminate shade of perhaps yellow. It appeared to have lost some luster over the years. I had been told my destination wasn't far, and the path should get me there with little effort. Up a hill, around a cornfield where a scarecrow was perched above the tassel tops of the corn stalks. He looked familiar, but my mind wouldn't connect him to why. I stared at the stuffed figure for a moment and I swear he winked at me. I blinked my eyes, and shrugged off what I was sure was my imagination. 

As I continued to walk, a cottage popped up on the left. Outside, I saw a metal figure that appeared to be chopping wood. Beings here were certainly creative. Hanging around its neck was a heart shaped clock which was still ticking. How nice to be able to know the time. I peered into the clock face and saw that the measure of time here wasn't quite what I expected. The clock, instead of numbers, had close, closer, hot, hotter, on fire, cold, freezing , and off the beaten path written on it. How peculiar. The hand was currently pointed to closer. The metal figure had incredibly lifelike eyes and once again, I got that feeling of familiarity. This land was certainly odd.

Ahead lay a stretch of woods. I was almost hesitant to enter, as it seemed to grow darker and darker inside. As I started towards it, the air shimmered and popped loudly. "Tessa! There you are! I looked for you in the jail cell and you were gone. I was hoping maybe Mr Buttons sent you home." Xanical looked at me quizzically. "They've dressed you in finery. What manner of delusion is this?" I laughed. "Xanical, it's no delusion. Mr Buttons asked me to bring Socks home and he will send me back." Xanical's eyes grew wide, a look of shock on his face. He shook his head. "I don't believe that. I don't think Mr Buttons knows how to send you home. It's a trick. I can't even find a being in any dimension that can send you back," he stammered, the last part almost a whisper. I looked at him with horror. "That...that CANNOT be true! You said...you said before he could send me home. Was one of the only beings who could do that. He's even hinted that he can!" I screamed as tears flowed freely down my face. Xanical cast his eyes downward. "I don't know for sure, but those I have spoken to are extremely powerful beings. If they can't send you back, I doubt Mr Buttons can either."

I shook with pure rage. Why? Why am I in this place? What did I ever do to deserve this? Other than the sexual pleasures brought about by the blue beings, there was nothing here for me. The food was atrocious, no one was like me anywhere, and what would I even do? Hours of mindless sex - wait, no! Damn you libido! Stop going back to carnal pleasures. 

I looked at Xanical and pointed my finger at him. "You will damn well figure out a way for me to go home. Period. End of excuses." He looked astounded, and replied, " You can't always get what you want. Isn't that a song in your realm? I will keep trying, but you might realize that here you are looked on as precious and special - well, other than by Mr Buttons. There are much worse places you can be." Xanical disappeared with a poof. 

I ventured forth into the darkness of the woods. I wept openly, and a large quizzical Beast wandered toward me. It looked like a giant cat, maybe even a lion. It was large enough to eat me on the spot. I looked it right in the eye and spoke. "Go ahead. Eat me. I can't go home. I am lost and sad and frustrated. You may as well finish me off." To my shock, it rubbed against me like a cat, and curled up on the ground next to me. I laid my head on this gentle giant, and wept myself into an exhausted sleep. 

Morning came, and it nudged me with its cold nose. I awoke warm and relaxed, as it kept me safe. "Thank you, my friend. I needed that, " I whispered in its ear.  Purring was the response. I managed to get up and continue forth. The woods became less dark until finally I saw rays of sunlight streaming down. The road was becoming different. The dirty yellow brick turned into a sidewalk. Up ahead, there was a house - a house like I recognized. I began to walk faster. As I got nearer, I saw a small black and white cat sunning itself in the picture window. The tag on her collar said Socks. She looked right at me with huge eyes. Without hesitation, I ran to the front door and rang the bell. The door opened and...

"Tessa! Tessa! Wake up! Oh my god, I can't believe we found you. Thank God you're alive!" I slowly opened my eyes to find myself laying in the middle of a cornfield. I looked up to see two of my coworkers on their knees next to me. I heard an ambulance siren approach. " You were thrown clear of the vehicle in the tornado. James is dead. We had almost given up on finding you until she led us here." I weakly replied, "She? Who's she?"

Just then, a small black and white cat rubbed its head against my face. "That cat. She meowed like crazy until we followed her. She led us right to you." I lifted my hand to give her a nuzzle and noticed she was wearing a collar with a tag. The tag said Socks. The cat looked me in the eyes and purred. 

The ambulance arrived and it was a frenzy of activity. I was put in a neck brace, strapped to a backboard and loaded in. Socks jumped into the ambulance and curled up next to me, keeping me warm and safe. As we were ready to depart, one of the paramedics handed me a necklace. " This must've fallen off. It's a beautiful locket. Just glad we found you, Amelia." My eyes opened wide, and I asked, "Why did you call me that?" He looked at me and said, "Your name is on your locket." I looked at it, and sure enough, it said Amelia. Socks purred loudly.


Until we meet again,
Angie