I realized something last week.
I have a defense mechanism. When I am overwhelmed by the world, I do what I need to do to not focus on my pain. Instead, I take on someone else's issue. I focus my anger, frustration, and sadness into someone else's problem. I bury that depression for as long as I can. I do strengthen from being alone, but the pain sometimes is enormous. I want to say that I'm healthy and I handle my depression in an appropriate manner. Key is, I want to say that. I don't.
I am not as strong as you think I am sometimes. You may inadvertently hurt my feelings, and people have. What I need from you is honesty and caring. Don't lie. I have zero tolerance for being lied to. Every time I've been hurt, I hear - oh, time heals all wounds. That's a cop out. It doesn't heal them. You still bear the scars from that hurt, and you carry it as baggage. It's when that baggage lessens that we can truly move on. The time when you focus on other things.
Tell me what you really want to say. Don't sugarcoat it. I'd respect you more.
I like to believe that I am one of a kind. Oddball? Yes. As kind as I seem? Yes. It's not an act or a game. I believe in karma - therefore I try to treat everyone as I wish to be treated. Do I have harsh moments? Well, fuck yes. Every person does. Sarcasm is also a coping mechanism for me. If I am uncomfortable, I use humor - often sarcastic humor- to distract.
I know I've talked about depression before, but today I mention this because I asked for help. I was scared of the emotional roller coaster I was on. Turns out my thyroid was whacked out. I still blame the retrograde for the wicked, wicked infusion of negativity and generally shitty feelings for that timeframe. Yeah, yeah- believe what you want. I believe what I want. I have much experience in oddball stuff with zero explanation for it, so whatever.
This is the year that I figure it all out. Instead of Clarissa, I hope that it's Angie explaining it all. This is unlikely, I'm sure. I know a little about a lot of things. But...I know nothing about certain things. Naive, clueless...at times. The opposite sex? You all are a mystery to me. I have guy friends and seriously? You fellas do NOT give good insight. I kid. I think you guys are great, and when you listen to me, it means a lot.
Things to do this year? Well...
Long road trip- maybe a several day drive. Windows down, music cranked, celebration of life.
St Louis - I need a willing accomplice. I fully intend to go to the City Museum again.
New things. I need to expand my world. I don't put anything past me. (Except no jumping from planes, at least not intentionally)
Concert? Possibly
I am such a spur of the moment gal. I could decide tomorrow that I am going away next weekend to Timbuktu and just do it. I have. ( Not Timbuktu, and when I have the funds to do so). And now? I have a passport...look out!
Always time to listen to new music, new podcasts or watch new shows.(all of the latter today, as a matter of fact. I have to say - some things are especially amusing)
And damn it...I am going back to Wizard Quest at the Dells. I enjoyed that. Solving puzzles, looking for clues in a fantasy world?? Well, they don't call me Geek Girl for nothing.
I share things, but I don't uber share. I'm sure you all know someone who does. There are still some things I do not tell. Not to anyone. Some stuff has to remain private. Just trying every day to survive this thing called life with as few scars as I can, and live it to its fullest. Do I drink? I do. I'm not Mary Poppins. Life isn't a damn spoonful of sugar all the time. But...I can also do without it. That's the key. I know how much I can have. I've learned the hard way of when to stop.
I don't like to feel that I need someone to talk to. You have your own lives. But, as I was reminded by a dear friend of mine, that's what friends are for. You might not see each other all the time, but guess what? Still here. This goes both ways. I am here if you need to talk. To vent. Or just to talk about life driving around in a car all night. I'm your gal. The people that I am especially addressing know, or should darn well know this. I'm a pro of switching to someone else's issues, so I can read those of you who hold things inside.
Always a purpose with me and my blog. This week- depression is very real. It's very scary, and she fights like a bitch. Has one hell of a sucker punch. Don't be afraid to ask for help. It doesn't make you weak. It shows that you want to fight back. That you don't give up that easily. People care. You will always be missed if something happened to you. It's caused by a lot of things, and sometimes you don't get better without help. Never give up.
Things are looking up, my lovelies.
Until we have the privilege of meeting again,
Angie
No comments:
Post a Comment