Ode To A Friend

It has been a very, very long couple of weeks. One of the people who I admired greatly and who was an incredible supporter for me passed away. I have only known Robin well for a few years, but she was one of those people that you never forget. I have known her since working at Blue Cross and we became better friends in the past 2 years.

Robin and I began the Customer Advocate Specialist position at the same time. We went through training together, and leaned on each other through the struggles of a new position. The days were long, the concepts sometimes difficult, but at the end of the day – I could count on her to have my back, as she did with me. I learned about her love for her family. It was a beautiful thing. I also knew that she was a no nonsense kind of gal. If she had a problem with you, you knew it. Straight shooter.

When I was going through some of the toughest times of my life,  Robin was my cheerleader. She was one of the people that made me realize that life is short. She gave me courage, and made me see that I am not a doormat. I needed to be appreciated and loved – and I needed to be with someone who knows that this is not something to take for granted. My ex-husband took me for granted, and made me feel like I was not worth the effort. I spent many nights at Blue Cross, talking through this with Robin because I didn’t want to go home. I was less than nothing in my mind then. Robin made me realize that to be cared about means that you know you are cared for. You show the other person you care.

Robin left Blue Cross right before my personal D day. I still called her the day I left him, and told her I was ok, and that I had finally done it. It was an incredible rush. There are still not enough words to thank any of the people who led me to where I am now.

I had been to Robin’s home to see her after she left Blue Cross, and she got progressively worse. I was angry with myself for not going to see her when I wanted to after I got back from my trip to Hawaii. Unfortunately, life gets in the way. When I was told that Robin was very bad, and it would not be long, it was one of the hardest things for me to cope with. It hit me that this wonderful person would no longer be the rock for others to lean on. I was able to go see her the Wednesday before she passed away. It was difficult, but I am glad I was able to see Robin one last time.

Talking with her is something I will miss. She gave me advice, shared wonderful stories of her family, told me about some of the trips they took, and let me know that I had a gift. Robin told me that I could make the ordinary beautiful. One of the things she liked most was the photos of my Sunday adventures. She let me know that I could truly help others see the beauty in what we look at every day.

My love and support to the members of her family.

To Robin herself: I miss you a lot, my friend. I will remember the lessons you taught me. I am grateful that I got to know you. When good things happen, I will think of you and smile. I know I have one incredible lady up there, looking down and cheering on my successes. Be at peace. No more pain.

Have a great 4th, my friends.

Angie

Saturday Walks and Music lead to Reminiscing

I think listening to music is putting me in touch with the inner demons. It’s crazy. It’s powerful.

I woke up on a rainy Saturday morning, and went for a walk. This is not unusual, other than I was forced to carry an umbrella. I’ve discovered in the course of many early morning neighborhood strolls that I need music. If I walk with another person, I’m fine. If I walk by myself, music is a requirement. I lose myself in the music, and that’s a good thing.

I’ll even age myself a bit – “We’ll go dancing in the dark, walking through the park and reminiscing.” Reminiscing can happen. It often depends on the song, the lyrics, and my mood. The combo of the three can make me remember good times or bad times. I can be emotional, and from time to time, music has moved me to tears. Again, not unusual. Heck, I can watch a commercial on television and be moved to tears. Even animated films that I know are not real have made me cry. Tears are good. We should never be ashamed to cry.

This morning’s memory was a moment I will always remember. I listened to the song “Just the Way You Are” by Bruno Mars. I was taken back to the performance on television in December of 2010, where he performed the song acoustically on the Grammy Nominations show. If you have never listened to it performed this way, I recommend it highly. I got the chills the first time, and I still do. Here's the link: Bruno Mars "Just The Way You Are"

You might think – It’s only a song. It is and it’s not. The lyrics are important.

Oh, her eyes, her eyes
Make the stars look like they're not shinin'
Her hair, her hair
Falls perfectly without her trying
She's so beautiful
And I tell her everyday
Yeah

I know, I know
When I compliment her she won't believe me
And it's so, it's so
Sad to think that she don't see what I see
But every time she asks me, "Do I look okay?"
I say,


When I see your face (face, face...)
There's not a thing that I would change
'Cause you're amazing (amazing)
Just the way you are (are)
And when you smile (smile, smile...)
The whole world stops and stares for a while
'Cause, girl, you're amazing (amazing)
Just the way you are (are).
Yeah

Her lips, her lips
I could kiss them all day if she'd let me
Her laugh, her laugh
She hates but I think it's so sexy
She's so beautiful
And I tell her everyday,

Oh you know, you know, you know
I'd never ask you to change
If perfect's what you're searching for
Then just stay the same
So don't even bother asking if you look okay
You know I'll say,


When I see your face (face, face...)
There's not a thing that I would change
'Cause you're amazing (amazing)
Just the way you are (are)
And when you smile (smile, smile...)
The whole world stops and stares for a while
'Cause, girl, you're amazing (amazing)
Just the way you are (are)

The way you are
The way you are
Girl, you're amazing (amazing)
Just the way you are (are)


When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
'Cause you're amazing (amazing)
Just the way you are (are)
And when you smile
The whole world stops and stares for a while
'Cause, girl, you're amazing
Just the way you are

Yeah

When I listened – really listened – I knew that my life would never be the same again. I have spent most of my adult life in the shadows of other people. I was just there. But to be amazing – was I? Was I more than just a mom, a wife (at the time), a daughter and so on? Accepting compliments was something I could never do. Now I blindly grasped the fact that I might be amazing. I might also be beautiful. There might actually be someone out there that thinks that about me, or could someday. Wow!

This was another turning point in becoming who I am today. I thought, I can really ask a guy if I look ok, and he could tell me I’m  amazing and he wouldn’t change a thing?  Guys can love the things you think are wrong with you? Am I awake, or is this Bizarro Rockford? I’d become accustomed to having flaws, or told I needed to lose weight, or I couldn’t possibly be right. I looked at myself in the mirror. I was able to see beyond the shell that I put there. You know what? I was amazing.

From that point, I moved forward. Now I am unstoppable. The best gift this year for my birthday (and a lot of stiff competition there) came in the form of words. I was told that I am beautiful.  I may not be perfect, may not be a size 6, and can be a little kooky occasionally – but I am 100% me.

All of you that play a part in my life are amazing. Just the way you are. I wouldn’t change a thing.

Enjoy your weekend,

Angie

The Purple Passion Pride Project

                                        A special hello to all of my friends. 

Sometimes you get an idea in your head that can't be easily removed. Today, that thought was of my grandmother, and her love of the color purple. Everywhere I looked, there seemed to be purple flowers smiling back at me. 

Then I decided not only was I feeling loved, but that I was wanting to share all of those good feelings with others. So naturally I decided to do a bit of research. What can I say? I can't help myself.
                                
 Purple's rarity in nature and the expense of creating the color 
gave purple a supernatural aura for centuries. Purple is the
most powerful wavelength of the rainbow. It is the most
powerful visible wavelength of electromagnetic energy.

Purple symbolizes magic, mystery, spirituality, the sub conscious, creativity, dignity and royalty. Appropriately on Memorial Day,the Purple Heart is the American award for bravery.                               

The flowers are from around the neighborhood and the toes - duh, purple! I smiled a lot, so I wanted to share an idea:

The Purple Passion Pride project!

My idea is that every single time that any of you see a purple flower over the next few months, you think of one thought. It can be something you have a great passion in life for: a job, a hobby, a person. It can be a passion, or a pride of yours. The point is to make you smile.

One smile creates a tiny flutter of happiness. That tiny flutter can grow into something bigger, causing that smile to grow and become contagious.  What will we do with a whole lot of happy people? Promote good will and good feelings!

See that purple flower as the day's inspiration. Share love, friendship, faith, confidence, pride with those that mean the most to you. It will spread like crazy.

I am the crazy optimistic nut who wants people to be happy. Guilty! If happy is a crime, then I should have a rubber room waiting for me. Life is a good thing, people! Don't get bogged down in the negativity. No matter how bad you think you have it - I guarantee that someone else has it worse than you.

I miss my grandma. In life, I'd say she is the person I related to the most. To her, I was always her little angel. In this small way, this project is in memoriam of her.

So, let's purple it up.
Smile, be passionate, and be proud.

Have an excellent week!

Angie

Kevin Cronin is a God

As I get closer to a year removed from a bad situation, it’s the little things I am reminded of most that stand out. I was walking today, and this song came on my IPod. Many things were the beginning of the end in my marriage, but this song sticks with me to this day. I bought an REO Speedwagon hits album, and this was one of the songs. It was all there – every negative thing I had in my mind, how I was being treated, and the total disregard for my feelings and opinions. A reminder that if I pretended he was right, I was clearly living with his misconceptions of how love should be. He had all these grandiose ideas of how life could be better, but was unwilling to change, or to listen. Well, Kevin Cronin…you are right. That ain’t love.

You tell me what you think I'm feelin'
You know why I do what I do
Why should you listen to a word I'm sayin'
When it's already so clear to you

You tell me 'bout my bad intentions
You doubt the very things I hold true
I can no longer live with your misconceptions
Baby, all I can say to you

That ain't love, I believe you've got the wrong emotion
That ain't love, at least it doesn't feel like love to me
As long as I say what you wanna hear
Do what you wanna do, be who you want me to be
You think that's love, well baby that ain't love to me

We've got to talk it over sometime
These feelings won't just disappear
I'm just gonna keep telling you what's on my mind
Even if it's not what you wanna hear

Ooh, right now your world and mine are such different places
Through yours I wander lost and confused
And I feel like I'm speaking in a different language
And the only words I haven't used, are

That ain't love, I believe you've got the wrong emotion
That ain't love, at least it doesn't feel like love to me
As long as I say what you wanna hear
Do what you wanna do, be who you want me to be
You think that's love, well baby that ain't love to me

You keep tellin' me, you know a place
Where your life would be better
You're makin' plans long-range
But I don't know how you expect to get there
When you refuse to change, yeah

Ooh baby, that ain't love, I believe you've got the wrong emotion
No baby, that ain't love, at least it doesn't feel like love to me
As long as I say what you wanna hear
Do what you wanna do, be who you want me to be
You think that's love, well baby that ain't love to me

Ooh baby that ain't love, that ain't lo-lo-love
That ain't love, oh no, baby that ain't love, that ain't love

That ain't love
That ain't love
That ain't love

So if these lyrics ring true to you, you deserve better. I know I deserved better. My opinion mattered. Love is accepting the person you are with, and not thinking that they need to be something they clearly are not. I am a unique individual, not a Stepford wife.

Do I like my life now? Hell yes. Figuring it out is all part of the grand scheme. Every day is a new adventure. Where am I going? I am enjoying the journey. I have a few thoughts on this subject of what will happen, but they are thoughts. I know a few things (and people) that are constants, but I want to give everything a chance to grow into the best it can be. I think I’m a grown up. Who’d of thought?

Enjoy your weekend.

Until we meet again, my friends.

Angie

Teacher says I'm a sharer :)

I feel like sharing.

This is the point that I actually give you something I've written. I know - my blog IS written by me. Not what I mean. Today's excerpt began as an emotional exercise for me when I was struggling in my marriage. Just like the painful poem I shared with all of you, this sums it up pretty well. It was a tool to grow and connect with my own emotions. I was trying to swallow them. By writing this, I was able to step out of myself and see my pain. I hope that you enjoy it.

Life, Love and Other Lessons

What is love?

   Love is...the way you feel after an amazing date. It is the wonderful combination of coffee and cream. It can be passionate, it can be bittersweet, and it can be life changing. A spark can create it, or can ignite a flame of the past. It is like a flower that begins to bloom - looking innocent, but needs tending to make it grow into a beautiful plant. The stars align by it, songs are written of it, cards by the hundreds laud it, a whole Valentine’s Day exists for it, but what is it really? Do we fall into it? Do we grow into it? How does it begin?

   Does love come from mutual attraction, friendship, or sexual escapades? All have valid points, but is it merely chemical? Are we programmed to seek love? Children learn love from parents, but romantic love comes much later. Do we have this ingrained from watching our parents? We all know that procreation does not require it, so what causes a human being to be hardwired to search for love? For that matter, when we do "fall in love", how does one know that it is truly love? Could it be merely a passing fancy or a distraction? Is it our brain telling us that this is now - our desire to be wanted, to be needed - is answered?

   I think that true love is a goal our soul sets forth for us. It is what we strive to achieve, just as much as success or wealth. Now our soul may perceive a relationship as "true love", but as the relationship unwinds before our eyes, the structure may unravel, much as a worn rug, or favorite sweater. Question is at this point, do we pick up a needle and repair the damage, or do we toss it to the curb? Learning to adjust to the flaws is a major component. If you cannot see beyond the shabbiness, how can you continue to care?

     Seeking the answer to relationship problems – this seems like a vast task, but I have theories to test. When you tell someone you love them, and the relationship ends, do those feelings just go away? Do they lay dormant in your subconscious, lurking beneath the surface? Is there a vast storage facility for those feelings to go to?  I wonder. Is there the "love room" in your mind?  This would be the place of forgotten emotions, a place with a lock and key, where we hide the feelings that can ultimately hurt us, should we decide to dwell on said feelings.

     Relationships are hard. They test the idea that love is patient and kind, forgives all things, and endures all things. Some of us live for that feeling - that initial "wow, I am seeing cupids and stars floating around" feeling in the pit of your stomach. But how can one make that feeling into something tangible, something that lasts for all time? That is the true question, as love seems to be a fleeting emotion, replaced by our friend comfort, and his companion, consistency. We can love a new puppy, we have love for our family, love a song, food, etc., but what of romantic love? How do we make that part of everyday life?

   I believe that your partner, be it man or woman, is seeking answers to the same question. It is a human emotion, flawed thought it may be, to desire romantic love. We get it, and the feeling is incredible, you go around with this silly, sappy grin on your face, and your heart says, “Yes, this is the one for all time.” Maybe it is, but that feeling fades, and you are left with the mask being pulled away from that fantastic love. You then are able to see the little flaws that lie beneath the surface. Our minds think "Wait, this wasn't what I signed on for", and your heart, still in its love-filled stupor, says “Ok, I can make this work. I can change my mate to make them who I want them to be.”

    But this is not reality talking, it is desperation. It is human nature to not be able to admit there was a mistake made. It is your need, as a normal human being, to be right or to prove others wrong for doubting your connection. So the struggle continues - you want so badly to capture that feeling you once had, and your partner being oblivious, not realizing the pain or irritation, as you swallow those true feelings whole. When you find that you are becoming a martyr to your real feelings, you should have the common sense to end it for the sake of sanity. Yet relationships such as these have been going on since the beginning of time. Husbands with a mistress, and the wife having complete knowledge, going along with it for whatever rationalization, and vice versa.

    Are we destined for one person? Do any of us believe in fate, or destiny, or the like anymore? I know that when you are with certain people, your heart pounds, your palms sweat, and you have that slightly nauseous feeling in your stomach. Is that the sign? Or does a great relationship start with common interests, friendship, and then love? These are many valid questions.

     Watching a couple in the initial phase of love is beautiful. There is much affection - much hand holding for some and long meaningful glances. Young love? In today's society, this aspect of love is not the same. Girls are having babies at younger and younger ages, but they mistake sex for love. What is left is a child, born out of passion, yet the child resented for the father running the other way. Sad really.

    Does anyone know what will make them truly happy? Does love have to exist for us to be happy? I think it does, but not necessarily in the romantic vernacular. I am not knocking romantic love. When it exists, it is mind blowing. However, the love of family and friends can be satisfying as well. I know I have put on my cynic's hat, but sometimes love in the romantic venue comes at a price. You have to decide what drives you.

     Now sometimes we want what we cannot have - or maybe should not have. At some point in everyone's life, you have experienced this. Maybe it is because you are lonely, or your current relationship is not satisfactory - either in the physical nature or in the emotional one. Some love, but do not grasp the concept of a partnership. Their emotions could be expressed, but yet they hold back out of fear of getting too close, or showing a weakness inside, or thousands of other pointless reasons. These people communicate, but the things they share are trivial. The unsuspecting partner is more of a sounding board than a true romantic companion, and this person becomes disillusioned with love. They seek an emotional connection - somewhere, anywhere.

     I will say this though, if you do not enter a relationship for the right reasons, it is destined to fail. The hardest part is deciding when to walk away. How do you do that without being emotionally scarred? For some, this is a repeat of a repeat - why does this keep happening? You begin to blame yourself - am I not pretty, thin, nice, sweet, and easy to get along with? Maybe it's me, am I the damaged one? I do not deserve to be happy. That's a load of crap. Everyone deserves to be happy, and some of us need to learn how to ask for what we really want. Period. It does not have to be a fantasy, it can be real, but you have to go get it. Don't let your dream walk away.

   True romantic love is something that happens. It is a love that is not forced. Each partner is there because they choose to be. These lovers share a connection on a physical, emotional, and intellectual plane. They do not have to define what they have, as the connection is enough. The two of them are there for each other, even if things are hard. It would be nice if it were easy, but the mere fact that it is a challenge is a key facet in the equation. Right or wrong, I think that this is the feeling worth having, and one worth fighting for. Don’t you?

Domo Arigato, Mr Roboto (and 4G)

Today, I looked at the world around myself and found myself both happy and sad at the same time. Why, you ask? In a word – technology.

I know that we have so many possibilities in our lives because of technology. We are tuned in, turned on, and instantly up to date. If you need to understand something, you turn to your smart phone. It is incredible. It can keep track of your day, allow you to look up things you don’t understand, help you translate languages you don’t speak, and lets you follow friends/acquaintances/work colleagues via applications such as Facebook or Twitter.  It has almost magical, mystical powers. In a word, that’s great. Or is it?

Is it a good thing that we are so technologically dependent? Sometimes. Technology allows us to communicate with those far away, gives us the ability to remain connected to those we love. It also allows us to manage out time, keep track of our appointments or meetings, and do a whole lot of incredible stuff.  The smart phone gives us options, gives us that step up from email – instant messenger! Text messages are also a great improvement from email. Thank you, cell phone providers. Giving us unlimited messaging and data allows communication to be instantaneous.

Those are the perks. Now, the downside.

I am saddened by the fact that two people can be together, yet conversation is horrid because neither of them can leave their phones alone. Is it impossible to be device free on a date? Do we even remember how to talk to each other face to face? Imagine this: Two young people are on a date, and he is ready to tell her that she is the only one and say those three little words. He’s nervous, and has been rehearsing this for a while. She looks into his eyes across the table, he holds her hand, begins to speak and –bzzzzzzzzzzz. Her cell vibrates on the table. She looks away, at the phone, and says “Oh, so and so is having problems. I need to call her.” What? He shifts his eyes downward, and every bit of confidence he once had is now gone. Come on!

When did we become addicted to our phones? It seems to be an epidemic sweeping the nation. I can see both sides. All I can say is this: Take time to talk – really talk. I know that your long distance connections require technology for you to remain close, but I am referring more to physical proximity. If you want to keep your friends, your family or your loved ones, you need to know how to carry on a face to face conversation. What happened to fun? Do we play games anymore? I am not talking about apps or Facebook. I am talking about card games or board games. I don’t care that everyone is playing that game on their phones. I don’t care that he’ll give you 10 lives so you can keep playing. Interaction! Face to face interaction. Imagination! What of games like Pictionary, Charades, or Dungeons and Dragons? Remember Mad Libs and the giggling we all did once our words became the most ludicrous story in the world? How about I Spy? What about the games that require physical interaction, such as Hide and Seek, Tag, Duck Duck Goose, or Twister? Is the game genre dead? I hope not.

The next time you are with a loved one, I want this little rant of mine to come back to you. Instead of reaching for that cell phone, reach for each other. If you are with a friend, remind yourself that you wanted to get together with this person and be considerate. I know, I know – there are times that it is important that you answer/look/react. If you think about it though, is it really crucial? I’ll be dating myself a little bit, but remember the days before cell phones? The world still spun, life still went on. Guess what? It’ll still be that way. I am just as guilty as everyone else, but I try to be conscious of it. I have had so many amazing experiences in the past 9 months. One trip I took last year, I stubbornly refused to take a lot of pictures and post them. The reason? I wanted that trip to be a special memory for me (and Duffy too, of course) without sharing every detail. All of the trips Duffy and I have taken are special, but those moments that are just between the two of us mean a lot to me.

There is nothing wrong with sharing on Facebook or Twitter. It is actually quite fun. The problem lies in when doing so overshadows everything else, and sometimes overshadows the whole experience. Does everyone really need to know all of your business, both good and bad? That’s for you to decide.

I am not bashing cell phones, smart phones, computers, tablets or any other technological gadget. I did praise them at the beginning of this rant. I am advocating one-on-one conversation, time spent together, game playing (board and card – not emotional!), and physical activity. I recommend reading books in whatever method you choose, even if it is electronically. You have an imagination. Use it! You’ll find that once you flip that switch, you won’t want to turn it off.

And that, in a nutshell, is my rant.

Until we meet again,

Angie

Birthdays Are An Acceptable Reason To Eat Cake

Age is only a number, right?

I have been having a week full of angst over my upcoming birthday. Turned 30 - no problem. Turned 40 - not thrilled, but I lived. 45 - I was already in a crappy marriage, so I wouldn't have noticed a small thing like a birthday. Explain to me in logical terms why 47 is upsetting to me. It's not even a milestone birthday. I feel a bit ridiculous, but I think this year's birthday is bothering me a little bit. Maybe it's the realization that 50 is coming, maybe I'm just depressed  - it could be a million little things.

Don't get me wrong -my life is pretty amazing most of the time. I have absolutely loved every single minute of the past year since late June. I have taken these incredible trips, met fantastic people, reunited with all sorts of past relationships, and developed into a confident woman. This birthday is just a little itch under my skin and I just want to scratch it until it goes away. I have threatened to remain in bed all day, creating a blanket fort, and taking a coloring book and crayons with me. Ok...let's be realistic. It's more likely that I would stay in bed and take several books with me, and a lovely bottle of wine. Yet, it's there. The anxiety over this year's birthday.

I went out tonight after work with my friend Rachel, and I did buy myself a birthday present. Nothing extravagant, just enough to make me think happy thoughts. I think I have decided that I can have a birthday, but maybe if I don't think about the age portion, I'll do better. Upon reflection, I think the thing is not that I am turning 47. I honestly think that the part that bothers me is that Jess will be 25 this year. What. The. Hell. How is that even possible? She was just born yesterday...or that's how I see it.

It's time to embrace all of it. My age, my spirit, my aging daughter...just because that's all happening does not mean I am in the twilight of my life. The best stuff is beginning. I am a young looking 47. There's that. I have hit my stride. I am more confident now than I have been in over 30 years. I have some things I want in my life. I know the people that make me smile, and that I can depend on. I have to remember that there are things worth waiting for. I need to quit trying to speed things up. Even in fairy tales, the happy ending is on the last page.

So, on April 6th, think of me for a minute, and know that I am going to be just fine. I promise. And - if you want- take a minute and send me a message. It will make my day.

Thank you.
Until we meet again,
Angie