Stanley the Bearhearted

In the process of reconditioning my thoughts and belief system, one of the things I have been thinking about is possessions. I have had this in my head for a while. I started conditioning myself when I left my marriage to be happy with less, but the whole concept has grown. In the midst of all this downsizing, I came to realize that I want to look back at the end of my life with memories that are precious. I could care less if I end up with objects. I only need a few things to make me happy. As long as I am breathing, sharing good times with those I hold dear, and seeking adventure, I am truly happy.

That aside, I began to wonder – what is the most precious thing I own? The answer is something you will never guess. It is not anything given to me in marriage, or by my daughter, or from any love of my life. It is not worth anything to anyone other than me. In fact, if the average person were to look at it, they would see something broken down and worn out. To me, however, it is the thing that has seen me through the darkest days of my life. Any ideas?

Yes, folks. The most precious thing I own is a careworn teddy bear. He has but one arm, and his name is Stanley. Stanley has been with me since I was small. He was given to me by my great aunt’s son Stanley (yep, I named the bear after the giver).  Stanley was there when I moved to a new school. He was there when various boyfriends broke up with me. Stanley saw me through an abusive relationship, the fear of a new mommy when her baby does not move during a stress test, and through 2 marriages. Stanley was there when I asked why my step father was killed tragically. Stanley was also there when I hoped that my step mother would survive the fall from her tree stand. Stanley has seen many tragedies, survived many tears, and always been my ultimate confidant. When I don’t know what to do or think, he is what I hold and ask for the strength to go on. When I feel like I am not good enough, pretty enough, or that something is wrong with me, I hold Stanley and know that these things will pass.

If I need a hug, I have my other teddy - Duffy bear. He rubs it in Stanley’s face that he has two arms. Stanley takes it in stride, as he is the Chuck Norris of bears and doesn’t need two stinking arms. I am a forty-seven-year-old woman with a teddy bear (two actually) and I don’t care who knows it. Take away everything I have – my books, my DVD’s, my clothes – just don’t take Stanley from me. I will probably be that old woman carrying her teddy with her that everyone thinks is a little crazy. Am I really? 

I have many people that I can reach out to when I need someone, and I do. However, sometimes you need to be alone with your thoughts and cry it out. Stanley is there. He is also there in the good times too. When things are good, he usually observes from the shelf next to his pal.

Life is too short to worry about things. Embrace every day. Believe in yourself. Love yourself. In the end, you have everything you have ever needed. You just have to see it.

Until we meet again,

Angie

Rub the Buddha's Belly

What a glorious month January is.

I say that a bit sarcastically, but I am learning to appreciate every moment, good and bad, that I have.

Things that are important come to you, just as you are. You don’t have to chase them. They will just happen. Sometimes in life we try too hard. In trying to force things, we end up disappointed and disillusioned. Those unpleasant stressful feelings? Those come from worrying about things that have not happened yet, being sad about things you think might have been (but is not necessarily what may have occurred) and living in fear of the next thing to come, what may go wrong with it or looking foolish. If I spend all my time living in fear, I am not looking at what is happening right now. I am not enjoying the feeling I am having, the wonderful experience I am a part of, the thrill that comes from living in the now. I don’t ever want to look back at my life and say I didn’t live.

It is important when those doubts start to get to you that you stop. Look them up and down, and think – what is the absolute worst that can happen? And then – what can I do about it? There is always something you can do. Realizing that the power is within you makes those fears and doubts easier to deal with. Instead of the elephant in the room, it becomes a small mouse in the corner. It might frighten you a little bit, but a mouse is something you can overcome.

In life, we need to appreciate each and every day, learn from it, and work with whatever come about.

If we keep life simple, it has its own power.

We don’t need to complain for the sake of complaining. Negativity breeds much more negativity. It becomes strangling, holding you back from the accomplishments and happiness that could be part of your life.

Embrace your inner nature. It makes you who you are. Whether you enjoy reading, traveling, exploring, dancing – there is something that is unique to you. Don’t ever compromise that value, that special piece of you. Everything in life has a place – a function. Some people don’t realize the contribution they bring. If you respect what is inside you, it will serve you well. You will know where you truly belong.

Take those things that others think are weaknesses and make them your strengths. I am an emotional person. All my friends and family know this. I can cry at the drop of a hat. But, there is no denying that I feel. I may be emotional, but that emotion makes me compassionate. It lets others know the depths of my feelings for them. Emotions are scary sometimes, but if you feel it, don’t hide it.

Man is a fickle creature. He is at times led away from his true nature. This is why it is important to understand who you are and respect yourself. Don’t be fooled into becoming what you are not.

A lot of these ideas are paraphrased from the Tao of Pooh and the Te of Piglet. I think one of the best things I read is this:

How can you get very far,

If you don’t know who you are?

How can you do what you ought,

If you don’t know what you’ve got?

And if you don’t know which to do

Of all the things in front of you –

Then what you’ll have when you are through

Is just a mess without a clue.

Of all the best that can come true

If you know What and Which and Who.

I am living every moment with enjoyment for what it is. I have had a few spectacular ones already this year. Here’s to living many more, and not giving up ever what may be. I will live the adventurer's life. 

Until we meet again,

Angie

The Yin Yang principle

Good evening,

This will be my last post of 2015. It's been a year of ups and downs, mostly good. So many wonderful adventures that I have shared with all of you, my opinions, my hopes and dreams - honestly, I am surprised that you still read my posts.

I am still trying to figure out my place. I have things I want to believe, dreams that I hope will come true. I am seeking enlightenment. Everything good or bad that has happened in my life has done just that - happened. It is great to have wonderful memories and experiences. I also realize that life is going to happen. You can dwell on the negative, rejoice in the positive, but all in all, it goes on. You can't apologize your life away, nor can you cry it away. Yes, some things hurt. Nothing is perfect. Just hope that the positive moments outweigh the negative. I am toying with new philosophies in life,

On that note, I am sharing poetry as my last post. I hope you like it. Here's to 2016.

Up in her ivory tower she sat,

Surveying the world.

Melancholy had become commonplace,

She longed for peace.

Her mind whirled a mile a minute,

She wanted to silence the hurt.

Wishing for it to go away,

To feel nothing.

In the calm of a moment,

Her thoughts washed clean.

She relied too much on the beliefs of others,

Her timetable was her own.

Shedding the expectations,

Releasing the anxiety,

Her heart suffered less.

She still wants,

But doesn’t make herself crazy anymore.

She deserves more,

Earns respect.

She is beautiful,

Even if no one tells her so.

She is compassionate,

And helps others first.

She is adventurous,

Always seeking something new.

She is intelligent,

Her wit a challenge.

Her mind is full,

Fighting to survive.

Above all,

She is determined.

She does not give up.

Life doesn’t come easily,

But she is resolute.

Her desires will happen,

She just has to stand tough.

Until we meet again, my friends.

Angie

Santa's Coming! I know him!

Good afternoon on Christmas to one and all.

It's a difficult thing to feel like Christmas with no snow and having it be warm outside. Quite the struggle. Little pieces of Christmas are coming to me today.

I am watching"While You Were Sleeping." There is a scene at the beginning of the movie where Lucy (Sandra Bullock) is mistaken for the fiancee of the man she saves. Peter (Peter Gallagher) is in a coma, so he can't confirm or deny this, and Peter's family insists she celebrate Christmas with them.
She is sitting there, holding a gift, looking at this family activity going on at this Christmas gathering with a rapt look of joy on her face. Lucy has no family. The look on her face and the feeling it gave me reminded me of spending Christmas with the Thomas family last year. If it could have been captured, I think that may have been a look on my face at one point of the day. Special.

Last night, I had Christmas Eve with my dad and my step mom. We aren't big on Christmas, we don't do the whole fancy Christmas dinner (we had tacos), but it felt good. I posted pictures on Facebook of me with each of them. It felt like something I needed to do. I love them very much.

I got a lovely Christmas greeting via Messenger from my friend Melissa. At that moment, I think someone sensed I needed it. Melissa, your timing was better than you know. Thank you.

Many greetings from friends and family, loved ones near and far. You all give me a piece of Christmas cheer. Reminded of my favorite line in "It's A Wonderful Life" - No man is a failure who has friends. I like to think that, like George Bailey, I have touched all of your lives in a good way.

Little things make me cry. The scene where everyone sings in "Elf", the moment that Sheldon hugs Penny in "Big Bang", listening to Faith Hill sing "Where are you,Christmas?" the moment that the Grinch's heart grew 3 sizes that day, the cane in the corner in "Miracle on 34th Street" - all teary eyed moments for me. I am richer for my emotions, even though at times it feels like my emotions get the best of me.

Getting through Christmas the best I can. I have one more holiday to get through, then on to 2016. I hope 2016 is the year that enhances my life. I want a few things to happen, and I am going to do everything in my power to make it so. Just let me be tough enough to make it there.

Until we meet again,
Angie

The Snow Doesn't Give a Soft White Damn Whom It Touches

I felt a lot like Lorelei Gilmore this morning. As I took my walk at RVC, I could smell snow in the air. Silly concept, but dead on today.

We are experiencing the first snowfall of the year. People are being overly dramatic as to the amounts, which is said to be 6-10 inches by the time it is all said and done. So what? We live in the Midwest, kids. Snow is a given. Please learn how to drive in this. Don’t be a fool.

I have this giddy feeling inside with the snow. Driving home from the store was the best kind of beautiful. I think when you drive and the snow is coming at you, creating kind of a magical vision, it is an amazing thing. I also stood outside, watching the flakes fall around me, smiling at the whiteness enveloping my hair. Snow is something magnificent. I hope it covers every piece of ugliness out there, coating the ground with something pure. A clean slate, if you will.

I am snuggled up in my apartment, watching the snow fall out the patio door. The trees are already beginning to coat with their first fleece blanket of the year. I am looking forward to going out tomorrow and taking the first snowy pictures of the season. Last year, I went to Rock Cut, and the pictures I took made me smile.

Some facts I know about snow? How about this one: Snow is actually not white. The complex structure of snow crystals results in tiny surfaces from which light is reflected. What little sunlight is absorbed by snow is absorbed uniformly over the wavelengths of visible light, which gives snow its white appearance. Incredible, isn’t it? How about all snowflakes have 6 sides?

We can ski, sled, walk on snowshoes, ice skate, make snow angels, snowball fights….

We can be indoors with hot chocolate, hot toddies, hot apple cider, bake cookies, sit by the fireplace…

We can wear those warm snuggly sweaters, curl up with a blankie and a good book…

Hoodies, gloves, hats, winter coats with the Eskimo fur hoods…

If we are lucky, there might be someone to snuggle with.

Nothing, NOTHING is more magical that Christmas snow.

So, embrace it. Don’t hate it. Part of the four seasons. We must have snow for the rebirth of everything else. If you hate it, move. I choose to give snow a chance. I want to let out the little kid with the goofy grin and let her run free in it, coming in with wet mittens, and rosy cheeks.

 Until we meet again,

 Angie 

Watching the Leaves of Life Fall

Good evening all.

A little visit back to my roots - poetry. I hope you enjoy.

Colors engage my eyes,

Crisp air tickles my nose.

The aroma of apples tempts,

Pumpkin envelops all.

The cycle of life continues.

Beauty in change,                  

Holding the promise of rebirth.

Embracing the future,

Growing from the past.

Curling up

Knees to chest

Eyes closed.

Envisioning potential,

Bursting forth from neglect.

The little girl hides.

The grown up woman shows.

Little girl keeps the fears,

Knees to chest.

The woman shines.

She believes.

She dreams.

She loves.

Head up,little girl -

Hurt goes nowhere.

Fill the void.

There are words,

Thoughts,

Dreams.

Life is miraculous.

Come on, little girl-

Take my hand

I want to show you the world.

Shall we explore?

Little girl-

The grown woman wants to hug you,

To dry your tears.

The little girl keeps the questions

The grown woman is afraid to ask.

How will it end?

Only time will tell.

Until we meet again,

Angie

Peter Pan Syndrome

It’s been a while. I think it’s like riding a bike – I’ll just climb back on and go like hell.

My last post came from a difficult time. I lost a dear friend, and it shook me to my core. I wanted to shut off so I didn’t hurt. Actually, I had done that one other time in my life. At least with Robin, I knew it was coming. With Debbie, she just had a heart attack, and died. I turned off emotionally for a long time. I just didn’t care. It was way easier just not to deal, not to feel, not to care. I was completely numb. I didn’t realize it for a while. Finally, I broke through that shell – just in time to experience all the pain of my first marriage ending. Swell.

Fortunately, I recognize those parts now. Instead of shutting down, I pushed through. Now my mind is focused elsewhere. The title? I think maybe it’s time to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I don’t know that the “growing up” part is going to happen, but wanting to know what I can see myself doing with my life – that’s a big one. The desire to learn and grow has always been there for me. I am not one to sit still and just do a mind-numbing job for eternity.

 I have a good job. This is not said as a slam on my current employer, or my current position. It’s an extension of the explorer within me. Where can I go? What can I do? What limitations do I possess? I’m not sick, I have a great attitude, and learn easily. There are a thousand things rolling around in my head that I could do. What am I not going to do? I refuse to live with regret.

So, what does that mean? Honestly, it means a lot more thinking. Planning. I am at this crossroads for a reason. Where will it take me? I don’t know yet. I am looking to others for inspiration, and maybe watching their success will push me even further than I have ever dared possible. There’s a great big world out there. Waiting. Watching.

Pretty soon, I will spread my wings and soar with the eagles.

Until we meet again,

Angie